It's season three, Mike, it doesn't matter.
You guys said the same thing about the last two seasons. When's it start to matter?
Never.
I adapted that exchange from an episode of American Dad, but we might as well apply it to this episode and Girl Meets World as a whole. When I was done with part one, I wanted to see if part two would get the wheels turning a bit more and actually resolve the conflict in an interesting way. Actually have the characters deal with real-world issues that don't just resolve themselves and aspire to face their new problems in their new school head-on.
Needless to say, I was wrong. Part two was even worse than part one, and while the tone was pretty much the same, this one was vintage Girl Meets World. A lesson they beat you over the head with like a sledgehammer, unrealistic portrayals of human beings, an absence of comedy, and a lack of pacing that prevents the episode from being interesting in any possible way. You know what? How do the season premieres all stack up? Let's see.
Pilot (Best one)
High School: Part One
High School: Part Two
Gravity
Okay, so that seems fair. I really need to put this in perspective because you guys will never understand how much I hate "Gravity" until I give it a formal review. I hated it from the night it first aired, and have never bothered to watch it since then. It has to be in the bottom three of the series at this point, but that review will come when it comes. Part two reminded me of that episode in some ways, and while it was a little better, that means absolutely nothing to me. Let's dig in.
Also, spoiler alert: Angry Mike is here today, and he didn't have a good time watching this.
The first act was actually pretty decent and gave me hope that this episode was going to be an improvement. But I had hope, and when it comes to this show, hope is irrational. This is the one thing that never seems to escape me about GMW: It starts off really strong with the opening scene or the first act, then everything just falls apart because the writers just couldn't handle the pressure. That has to be a rule of thumb at this point. So anyway, the episode was cruising through during the first act. The cold open was really entertaining and it was interesting to see the characters deal with their surroundings without Riley and Maya. They have been involved with these kids for so long that the scene at the coffee shop actually intrigued me. Lucas and Farkle knew they wanted to come back to the girls, but felt guilty about leaving in the first place. That's another thing about this scene: Zay and Smackle just thought it would be easy to admit to Riley and Maya that they couldn't handle things but couldn't have anticipated how they would feel about being left behind. I could use more scenes like that.
So of course, Riley and Maya talk about their situation at the bay window and Cory tells them they have guests. No, don't bring out Angry Mike. Nobody likes Mike when he's angry. Don't unleash the beast with one of the worst scenes in the history of the series. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....
WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS THIS?! YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THESE SENIORS JUST WALTZED IN THE DAMN PLACE AND ARE NOW ABOUT TO JUSTIFY EVERYTHING THEY DID?! THIS IS SOME OF THE MOST INEPT STORYTELLING I HAVE EVER SEEN FROM THIS SHOW! THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MARTYRS OR GURUS OR ADVICE COLUMNISTS, THEY'RE DAMN TEENAGERS! OH, SO THEY ALSO HAD A TRIANGLE TOO?! ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME INSANE WITH THIS NONSENSE?! WHY DO THEY CARE SO MUCH ABOUT RILEY AND HER FRIENDS?! WHY DO THEY KEEP COMING OFF AS SICK PERVERTS TRYING TO PREY ON INNOCENT FRESHMEN?! HOW DID THEY EVEN GET THE DAMN ADDRESS?! THIS IS PATHETIC, INHUMANE, AGOOBWAH. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY DISGRACEFUL!!!!
Well, that was liberating. Sorry, I'm just sick and tired of this show's constant idealism. Anyway, Riley and Maya realize that in order to conquer high school, they have to stick with the rest of the group, and end up telling them so. There's also this scene in Cory's class where they learn about patriotism and whatnot and how they are no longer kings, but patriots. At this point, it ended up becoming a chore to watch this episode because the same point was repeated nine times over. Lucas and Zay realized that there are going to be people bigger and stronger than them, so trying to join a football team full of seniors probably won't work when they're freshmen. Farkle and Smackle realized that there will be people smarter than them because in high school, the expectations are a little higher (no pun intended) and as freshmen, they are expected to face competition. Then the stalker seniors come confront the kids in the hallway, talk about building a legacy, and hopefully, they never appear on this show ever again. Well, Ashley Argota is always welcome in another capacity. And that's our episode.
You know, last year, after watching "Gravity," I thought to myself that this show is in serious trouble and has to get better. I didn't expect the next couple of episodes to have so much likability, so much to chew on and laugh at and appreciate. Suddenly, it felt like Girl Meets World was on the verge of having a great season. Fast forward a year later and that ended up blowing up in all of our faces. It's at this point that I really don't understand why this show refuses to get better, to maintain any kind of consistency, to take full advantage of its potential and become a show genuinely entertaining to watch. The kids are in high school now but as the saying goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. As far as I'm concerned, these characters live in a world where they learn this deeply philosophical and groundbreaking stuff but nothing ever happens to them. Everything is wrapped up for them so they never have anything to truly worry about.
If GMW didn't take itself so seriously or have this overly smug attitude about its quality, I wouldn't have a problem with some of these episodes. But you can tell that these writers genuinely think they are doing God's work. You can tell Michael Jacobs sees the show as truly carrying on the legacy of Boy Meets World and is this super deep, super intelligent, perfect show that captures the truth about life. But it's not and it never has been. These kids aren't dealing with their problems. Everything gets fixed for them no matter what. Maya comes from a broken home, but we only care when it's brought up every other episode. Riley was getting bullied to the point where she lashed out at her best friend and broke down in tears because she felt powerless. We're never going to hear about that again. The seniors at a New York City public high school put kids in a hole because they have this odd obsession with teaching them that they should stick together. Wait, but they were going to stick together until you guys came in, so you basically created the problem yourselves and acted like you had planned it all along. What? No teenagers act like this.
I'm just a reviewer here outside of the target audience. I know everything these writers are trying to pull, but the kids don't. They're going to take this show's lessons and think the world is some magical, fuzzy place where they never have to worry about any major problems and evil does not exist. Who is Michael Jacobs writing for? This isn't a Disney Channel show, this is a freaking PBS Kids show. Which is a shame because Arthur and Martha Speaks could probably handle these kinds of situations with more sophistication. This episode represents GMW's main problem: It refuses to grow, take risks, or try new things. This show will continue to present messages as watered-down as possible, portray everybody as kind people with good intentions, and make everything as dramatic and tedious as possible. How are any of these characters meeting the world when the world is constantly shielded from them? There are a lot more episodes left, but overall, this season premiere just cast a dark shadow that GMW will probably never be able to get rid of.
Episode Grade: C-/D+
Episode MVP: Peyton Meyer and Amir Mitchell-Townes. I think they both deserve this award. I barely even touched it on part one, but Lucas and Zay really have the best chemistry out of anybody in the sextet. They're genuinely funny, they play off of each other well, and they come off as natural best friends who care about each other. If anything, these two might be the reason these group interactions become a highlight. Farkle and Smackle need more screen time and Riley and Maya? Enough of them, I want more Lucas and Zay.
EXTRA THOUGHTS
-So on June 24 (my graduation day), the 100th Disney Channel Original Movie airs for the first time. Adventures in Babysitting comes our way as a remake of the original one from 1987, which is an interesting choice for your 100th movie. Sabrina Carpenter is starring alongside Sofia Carson and I'm not exactly sure if I would watch it, much less review it. Either way, Sofia was looking really good in the previews I saw. Disney Channel has some bombshells for actresses, but you already knew that.
-The opening scene was full of so much potential, it's not even funny. Riley and Maya were genuinely fun to watch as they sat in the hole and realized how unsophisticated they are compared to the high school kids. I especially liked Riley's assessment of Zay using comedy to hide his inner turmoil. Lucas and Zay were great of course, but the real stars were the football players. I loved their fake excitement, screaming like animals in the locker room and knocking things down.
-Farkle and Smackle's scene of realizing they're not the smartest kids in school didn't work for me. I mean, I know what they were trying to do and it got a chuckle out of me but it just fell flat. I noticed something in this episode, however. Lucas and Zay just walked into the locker room and demanded to be on the football team, or at least try out. Farkle and Smackle just wanted to be among the school's top scientists because they believed they deserved to be. See, the kids are just demanding things without having to earn them. If this two-part episode started out with the kids more arrogant and sure of themselves, just expecting to take over the school, then it would make sense for the seniors to teach them their lesson. Just a theory.
-I can't believe I'm saying this, and it might just be because of how poorly the main plot was written, but Auggie and Ava actually had the less annoying story. Like, they were actually fun to watch. You contrast that high school hogwash with this and it's like two different shows for two different age groups. Either way, it was good. I like how Ava is starting to lose more of her arrogant, entitled personality in the event of her parents divorcing. I'm curious as to how her and Auggie work together in future episodes.
-Riley and Maya barely have a reaction to the seniors coming into Riley's room. I don't know about anyone else, but this felt legitimately creepy and unrealistic to me. I don't care what they were trying to teach, this is just out of some bizarre parallel universe now. The reaction isn't, "Why do you guys keep following us around like a bunch of child molesters?" The reaction isn't, "How did you even get my address?" The reaction isn't, "Why don't you weirdos leave us alone and start acting like actual teenagers?" It's just a casual "What are you doing here?" Maybe Cory had something to do with this, but it's never brought up or even hinted at so I have no idea why any of this is happening. I would seriously kick these guys out of my room if I was Riley or Maya, or call in Cory and Topanga or some kind of hotline if they tried touching me. Don't act like this didn't occur to you, these seniors came looking for some new freshman meat.
-Marley's back. I don't like Marley. Marley gives me anxiety. The first line out of her mouth is another meta statement, questioning why Cory doesn't just teach the class the basic stuff instead of trying to wrap some odd lesson behind it. I hear some people like this character and I honestly don't know why. She just regurgitates everything that the online crowd has said about GMW since season one, and the show has made fun of these things themselves, so she has no purpose for existing. It's just an excuse for the writers to make more meta jokes about how odd their show is sometimes, but they really have no plans to change anything about it. At least Marley comes around to Cory's teaching methods in the end, so I never have to see her again. Right?
-Mr. Feeny wasn't in this episode or the previous one. Michael Jacobs wanted to have Feeny in every season premiere but at William Daniels' age, I guess having him appear just can't work every single time. There's a really sweet moment where we see that Cory has put up Feeny's "Dream. Try. Do good." quote from the BMW series finale on the wall of the classroom above the board. It's like the one cherry-centered chocolate in a box of nut clusters that this episode was.
-"We were kings, Matthews." WE GET IT, YOU ALREADY POINTED THAT OUT 100 TIMES BY NOW. THE KIDS YOU WRITE THIS SHOW FOR AREN'T THAT STUPID, THEY CAN PICK UP ON SUBTLE MESSAGES TOO. And once again, why is it Maya that gets this kind of line?
-Everybody strap yourselves in, because season three is looking to be one wild ride.
For the record Angry Mike is my favorite kind of Mike. It's why I hired you! Well, not really. Plus, I didn't really "hire" you per se given that I have no money.
Anyway, here we are already at the seven minute mark and unlike Part 1 I have a lot less to say, which I'm sure is a relief both for my typing fingers and the eight of you who are probably sick and tired of my 3,000-word rant-essays. But the opening does illustrate how laughably pointless the hole is if Maya is free to wander about the downstairs at least - but at the same time the episode seems to be backtracking a little bit by pointing out it's not really a hole they're stuck in, just that they aren't allowed upstairs. Maya's sweet, and Riley does her scary anger voice thing at the mention of Lucas, and I kind of wish Rowan did more of that instead of her best Keanu Reeves as a wooden plank impression for Invisible Sister.
Actually, they spend this whole scene just looking at people walk by and making up stories about them based entirely on their footwear, and it strikes me as a really sorely missed opportunity - it really reminds me of the "people-watching" scene in Girl Meets Money, an episode I really liked and the people-watching scene being one of my favorites from that, in fact. I'd really like for them to make it a semi-regular thing - Riley and Maya can watch people's feet go by from The Hole at the start of episodes and make up stories that would somehow relate to the rest of the episode. Of course, that would be an example of actual scriptwriting talent and as we've seen the scriptwriting for the GMW team is just all over the friggin' place.
As for Lucas and Zay, their part is entirely pre-occupied with wanting to be Bella and the Bulldogs instead. Also, is it just me or did Amir Toombs just grow an extra foot in between episodes, which in the context of this episode would be literally overnight and in the context of the filming schedule should be about a week?
Ah, the credits - again, it just feels more natural than the old "clip 'em all" type of the previous two seasons. It much better fits the tone not only of what the show is aiming for, but the theme song itself. One thing I forgot to mention in Part 1 is how people noted it was an obvious homage to Boy Meets World's later seasons, well before the episode actually aired - and I can see some of the general homage-iness but really they made GMW's intro here it's own thing. They did right by that. It's great. It's definitely in my top five if not top three Disney Channel live-action show intros of all time, with Liv and Maddie's, Best Friends Whenever's, Sonny With a Chance's, Austin & Ally's and even Good Luck Charlie's (the only one of the "clip 'em up" type that really makes it there, thanks to its more or less literal framing device).
Meanwhile - yeah, here's the thing about The Hole. I get the railings and stuff are supposed to be symbolic of a prison but...I think The Hole could actually be Abigail Adams' The Bay Window. Here me out on it - well, you actually already did a few paragraphs ago. It just seems like a very natural spot to "people-watch." Plus, let's face it, a lot of the stuff that goes on at The Bay Window is about what keeps Riley and Maya anxious all the time, about relationships, school and life - those metaphorical prison bars again. I don't think it's a bad metaphor or symbol (or motif to be technical) to symbolize that anxiety as they do their people-watching and The Bay Window thing. Not only that but from even a composition standpoint the floor and the bars actually help frame Rowan and Sabs very nicely.
Farkle and Smackle don't seem to be doing too bad for themselves despite divorcing themselves of Miley - in fact while they act like a bad impression of marrying science and learning terms with Fresh Prince of Bel Air's glory days, they certainly come off better than the upperclassmen equivalent of themselves, who act like they're in the middle of an audition for the part of Borg drones in a Star Trek episode. I really do mean that, BTW, here, let me type word-for-word their opening dialogue:
Male Borg High School Drone: We are members of the Abigail Adams Society for Intellectual Advancement.
Female Borg High School Drone: How may we be of service?
I'm serious, it sounds like they were told to use a Speak n' Spell for an acting coach.
...aaaand they're taking the whole Borg Drone thing waaaaaay too far when they reveal Male High School Drone quite literally cloned himself. Yeah, let's not go there. Also, their shot composition totally gives it away that they're not using twins, just the one actor very poorly photoshopped. C'mon guys, you gotta step up your game. You know there's another show on this network that does this literally every single episode, right?
And there I go again reminding myself that a far better show exists.
Oh, I just noticed that Hot Ashley/Nikki and Blonde Vaklyrie/Francesca are watching in the background.
...and...and Female High School drone is a friggin' robot? Yeah, uh, Mike Nelson is it? Guy who wrote this episode? Yeah, lay off the Trek for a while.
Oh, hey look, they even continue the B-plot which I guess deserves credit in of itself. As we learned from Danger & Thunder the B-plot of these two parters often end up being just throw-away and in many cases not even contiguous. Anyway Auggie has an imaginary dog, something that absolutely wasn't annoying when they gave Zuri an imaginary mermaid over on Jessie. I'll give credit where credit's due though, Ava really did sell that being pulled by an invisible dog scene.
I thought the whole "Farkle and Smackle taking refuge among 'intellectual inferiors'" thing was thoroughly squashed back in Season 2, if not Season 1. I thought that was the whole point of their character evolution. Oh well, what do I know?! But hey, as dumb as it sounds I like Lucas and Zay's reaction to finding physical inferiors. It just seems...typical high school boy-realistic.
And then Lucas lays down some actual maturity and foresight by admitting that not only did he foresee kids being bigger than him (you know, because he's coming in with the youngest class) and that high school might be challenging (you know, because it's high school) but that the thing he's worried about is the same thing Riley's worried about, their friendships drifting apart. Instead of Riley however, who wants to take over things and use power to prevent that from happening, Lucas is just...resigned. He doesn't know what to do. Again, this is actually pretty damn realistic. Lucas has been maybe the only realistic character in this whole ordeal.
"They were massacred." "Oh, and then they walked upstairs?" Not only is that the most valuable thing to come from the classroom scene but it might just win dialogue exchange of the episode. When Farkle and Smackle gave their duet, it really did sound like two school nerds reciting facts because they're school nerds who like earning As - but again with credit where credit's due, Lucas and Zay's duet really do sound like two guys who want to talk about the Alamo because they're proud to be Texans.
There's also a lot of truth behind what Cory's saying about Kings eventually falling, strongmen eventually running afoul of stronger men, and patriots rising or falling on the strength of their cause. Freshmen become Seniors, Seniors gradate, Seniors become Freshmen again. I wish that was a lesson they better emphasized up to this point.
But that's a teacher's speech, not something actual kids would say to other actual kids. In this completely ridiculous scene where the seniors come friggin' visit Riley and Maya at The Bay Window it feels like Cory stole some of that Borg technology from Male and Female High School Drones and hijacked their minds to speak typical Cory Life Lessons (TM) at Riley and Maya. Again, this feels like what the college students in Meets Tater Tot were trying to do - something the episode wanted us to vilify them over, for some reason? Ok whatever.
Also, is the show trying to tell us that Big Lucas/Thor is banging Hot Ashley/Nikki and Blonde Valkyrie/Francesca at the same time? I'm pretty damn sure that's what the episode is trying to say. I'm pretty sure that's what Luke Benward's facial expression is trying to say. I'm pretty sure that's what Row's and Sabs' facial expressions are all excited about before she realized what a relationship "triangle" actually entails in the classic soap opera sense. Ewww. Ewww. Ewwww.
Ok, after pulling my mind out of the gutter and not trying to over-read people's facial expressions, it's pretty clear that this is all one big set-up for the Meets Triangle trilogy. Jacobs and crew seem very obsessed with this Triangle - while in the same damn breath categorically denying it. Whatever, man.
Back in Auggie-as-allegory-for-the-A-plot world, I'm actually touched by he and Ava. Yeah I'm a sap like that.
There's only two scenes left worth talking about, which I'll address below with grade assignment.
Episode Grade: C+. I seemed to like it a little more than Christian and Sean over at GMW Reviewed or Mike with the green text above, but that doesn't make this episode any less confusing or moreover just, again, all over the friggin' place. And this is after the benefit of first having seen both these episodes back-to-back (yay combination of procrastination and wanting to be an asshole by denying recorded DVR viewership within the time period Nielsen Corporation cares about!) I don't necessarily agree that this could've been condensed into a single half-hour (though I don't disagree with it either) but I think it was a major mistake splitting them up, even if it was only over the course of three days. They should've just aired this as a single hour-long contiguous special episode (it would've been GMW's first - and the way things are looking I'm wondering if it would ever get an actual hour-long special).
It also gets a special plus-modifier merit because I was actually touched by Cory's final classroom scene, especially with Maya's mini-speech of wanting to stick with Riley no matter what. It almost loses that plus-modifier with the final bullshit scene with Big Lucas/Thor, Hot Ashley/Nikki and Blonde Valkyrie/Francesca.
Episode MVP: Yup, gonna have to agree with Mike on this one. The sextet may not have been able to own high school just yet, but Peyton and Amir owned Part 2.
Extra Thoughts:
- I'm also with Spongey on this one: heh, sextet.
- Oh, that reminds me, if you don't see your comment appearing immediately it means I need to give it approval over e-mail. Because it's over e-mail it's probably going to take a while. Just hang tight with your comments. I'll make a special announcement about this as soon as I catch up with Mike's reviews.
- It looks like Mike and I are in agreement over the wasted potential of the opening scene.
- Yeah Mike and I are also in agreement with just how much of a beautiful bombshell Sofia Carson is. In fact if you don't mind the chauvinism I'd have to rate Sofia the prettiest Disney Channel starlet in Disney Channel's entire history. Yeah I may or may not have a huge thing for her. Look for more hapless fawning over Sofia and actual content in our Adventures in Babysitting review!
- And on that note, congratulations on your graduation, Mike!
- Based on this two-parter my initial impression of Season 3 is that it basically just wants to be Meets Bay Window and Meets Triangle. The. Whole. Damn. Season.
It's going to be a long season.
- Oh, I forgot to rank the season premieres so far ala Mike. Rather than rank them in order I'll just go ahead and give them grades:
* Girl Meets World/Pilot: C+. It was far from perfect - in fact, in that regard, it admittedly did its job as a pilot perfectly and certainly set the tone for the rest of the series, though probably this way wasn't intended. Perhaps its biggest offense was in how it didn't just tell, it friggin' telegraphed all the punches it had in store and kept insisting how this is Boy Meets World, but with Cory and Topanga's daughter! in the most straightforward, literally-spoken way possible. That's how you write instruction manuals, not television scripts (even for multi-cam kidcoms). Again, as far as pilot's jobs are concerned, it at least certainly set the tone for the rest of the series to come.
* Girl Meets High School, Parts 1/2: C. I...pretty much just spent all of the above plus another review on top of that explaining that C, so there.
* Girl Meets Gravity: A really, big fat F. There have been other Disney Channel season openers that are worse (or at least equally bad) but Meets Gravity certainly takes the cake of the three GMW premieres so far (and the way things are looking there's a good chance this'll be it). It doesn't necessarily commit any different sins than the other two premieres, but it's certainly got a greater number of them, and while it's at it it's doubling-down big time on those sins. It doesn't even pass muster for something out of a freshman high school creative writing course - this is exactly the kind of script I'd expect if Riley Matthews herself from this very episode itself had wrote it. BTW, in case it's not clear that's the exact opposite of a compliment.
While I'm at it I'll go ahead and mention that Season 2 had the widest disparity of episode quality so far - it's had the absolute best episodes of the series so far, but it's also had the absolute worst. The best episodes are really, really great television and are more than worth watching - seriously, go watch them - but I still feel that the worst episodes more than balance out the quality of the really good ones just enough so that I still feel like sticking by the D-something grade I gave them in our season wrap-up review. I guess if nothing else it's just my way of trying to signal the GMW knucklehead writers to try harder, even though, yeah, I'm absolutely certain they've never even heard of this blog.
- Final P.S. in case it wasn't clear Blonde Valkyrie/Francesca (I didn't catch the actresses' name since unlike Ben or Ashley I don't instantly recognize her from watching way too many Disney and Nick kiddie shows) is also Insanely Hot(TM). Maybe not quite Hunter King-Insanely Hot(TM) but more than close enough for it to not really matter.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Girl Meets World Reviewed: Girl Meets High School (Part One)
We're back......again.
I'm going to wait until Saturday - seven days after the premiere airing - to watch this episode. That way my viewing won't count towards Nielsen ratings. Because I'm an asshole like that - Unknown.
Hi everybody. Hopefully, Unknown will show up later (I will, later - much later. Because, again, I'm an asshole like that), but for now, let's get this review started by saying finally, Girl Meets World.....HAS COME BACK.....TO BLOGGER.
Is this a good thing? Well, it helps me with my procrastination so there's that. But the question is, can this show finally improve and be what we want it to be? Three months ago, we said that season three was gut check time. This was the season where all cards had to be thrown on the table, and GMW had to finally evolve from its predecessor in order to become a show worth watching. It's been going in circles for two years now, so does the season premiere show growth and potential?
The answer is no. It doesn't.
I'm at the point where I'm no longer angry at the show when it makes episodes like these, just disappointed. Actually, I'm still going to be angry. But part one of this season premiere isn't the kind of episode you lose your mind over. It's just you shaking your head because once again, Girl Meets World proves that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm serious, that saying might be in my top five all-time. It's so simple, but can be used effectively in many situations. Plus, this show is the epitome of that saying, so its relevance has yet to fade away.
But enough of that, let's talk about this episode. As a season premiere, it is miles ahead of the garbage pile that was "Gravity," but may or may not be better than the pilot based on what part two has in store for us. That's what sucks about reviewing this particular episode. If it sucks, I can't give it the complete thrashing I want to because part two might fix every little problem. It was a lot easier to do this with "Texas" because almost everything worked in those episodes, so treating them individually was a breeze. But since this is about the individual part one, let's pretend part two doesn't exist and this episode is simply that.......its own standalone episode.
It wasn't impressive and didn't give me a lot of hope for the new season. As someone who is graduating from high school in three weeks, I looked at Riley's gang and remembered how I felt on the first day. The kids were huge, the halls were huge, the building was huge. There was definitely that feeling captured within the show so I can't fault them for that. The only thing is, I went to a New York City public school just like these guys, and the similarities just stopped after a couple minutes. I don't know any kind of seniors that would waste their time treating freshmen like four-year-olds and putting them in the corner like that. It just seemed so stereotypical and cliche to make the seniors typical high school jocks, because it brings nothing to the table. It's the same thing we have seen done on every other live-action show aimed at teenagers throughout history.
Unlike several other shows, however, Girl Meets World chooses to portray classroom scenes the same way they always do: With Cory just watching the kids talk about their bad day and interrupt class time. Are you kidding me right now? We were getting sick and tired of this crap in season one. Now Cory's letting Riley and her friends hijack the class in high school too? I mean, eighth graders tend to act like eighth graders in ninth grade as well. Once the year is over, they slowly get out of that junior high mentality and realize what kind of environment they are in. But this has nothing to do with being realistic. They're just doing the same thing they did for two seasons completely straight. Do the writers not realize that this has to stop at some point? It's beating a dead horse. In Boy Meets World, we all knew Feeny had ultimate control of the classroom other than those rare occasions. He would never stand for his students constantly interrupting him like this. Cory has to do something about these children......soon.
So the main conflict here is, of course, Riley and the gang coming to terms with the fact that they are small fish in a big pond. And immediately, I think of that Full House episode where D.J. starts high school and pretty much feels the same way these kids feel. Of course, D.J. never assumed she was going to take over the school on her first day, she was just overwhelmed by her surroundings and struggled to adapt to them. Here, it legitimately feels like the kids thought that they were going to run the joint like they did in junior high. No kid thinks like this. Once you go to high school, you know your place and you just go on with your life. We get it, you were kings in junior high and now you're not. You have anything more to say? The worst part is, Maya of all people is dumbfounded at the fact that they're not running anything. It's Maya. Isn't she supposed to be the street-smart member of the group? Why does she feel this way when she should have known how things were going to be? Cory just wanted no Feeny and a chance to befriend Harley so nobody would bother him in high school. Why is this news to them?
Lucas gets legit pissed off at Riley for her undying optimism, and this is where the episode actually gives us something to chew on. For so long, Riley has been the cheerful leader, the one that tries to find the absolute best in people. But as you get older, you realize that not everyone has good intentions. Assholes exist, evil exists, and some people only want to torture you. Either that, or they just don't care about you at all. It's a harsh lesson I had to learn in high school, and one that I wish the show would teach to these kids so they get a taste of the real world. In the real world, people are going to smack you in the mouth for no reason. Lucas sees that, Zay sees that, Farkle and Smackle see that, and I know Maya sees that. But Riley doesn't see that, and that conflict with herself is one that I hope the writers delve into as the season goes on.
So the episode ends with everyone realizing that junior high is over and Riley can't be their gatekeeper anymore so they all abandon her except for Maya. And then they cry about it because this show is like, really emotional, man. What's comedy to them? Who cares when you can make these girls cry about everything that ever happens?
Yeah, part one's not looking so good right now. I want to hope for the best in part two, but as I've seen many times before with this show, hope might be an irrational thing to have. It's season three. It's high school now. This is where most shows start to enter their peak years before declining miserably. If you ask me, this show is still finding its voice. That's not a good thing to say three seasons in.
Episode Grade: C
Episode MVP: Me, because I had to sit through it. No, I'm just kidding. Wait, you know what? It's me, because I literally can't think of anybody that deserved this award.
EXTRA THOUGHTS
-I can't get over this hollow feeling I had while watching this episode. I didn't even get angry that much or laugh at a lot of jokes. It was just a really average 22 minutes, and I don't want it to get to the point where this show becomes boring. It's one thing for episodes to be terrible, but when this show isn't even worth reviewing, it becomes just like every other live-action show for kids, only with more attempts at emotion.
-I watched a couple minutes of Stuck in the Middle before this episode came on. The single-camera format is horrible. I know this was a stylistic choice, but the work here is piss poor and makes the show look more like a cheesy five-minute short than an actual series. The camera is way too close to every single character, the lighting is distracting, and I feel like the format hurts the pacing because the show felt like it was fifty minutes long. Seriously, there's a way to do a single-camera show. JONAS was single-camera, and it was a lot more easy on the eyes than this show. Go back and watch some season one episodes of JONAS, the camera work there compared to this show is like night and day.
-I don't know what it is, but this show also looks slightly different. Like, the lighting is more expressive for some reason. Either that, or it looks like the characters rubbed extra shiny cream on their skin. A little distracting, but I can live with that.
-The opening joke with Riley and Maya inadvertently knocking down their lookalikes at the door was pretty funny. Don't drink that joke in one gulp, because you'll be pretty thirsty for the rest of it.
-I guess the show thought it was really, really slick by completely redoing the opening sequence of Boy Meets World from seasons 5-7. It took me some time, but after a couple seconds, I realized what they were doing and it just annoyed me. If they used this sequence as a joke, or as a one-time homage, that would be pretty cool, but as far as I can tell, this is the new opening. They're not even playing with the original scenes, it's just the characters reenacting the whole thing. I don't know why they got rid of the first opening which actually gave this show an identity, but now it feels like they really want you to remember that this is Boy Meets World's child. It's lazy, it makes no sense to use, and it just reminds me that BMW will always be the better show.
-I also can't get over how the seniors are used here. They put these new freshmen in a hole because they have nothing better to do. Lucas thinks it's just them being assholes, while Riley thinks this is meant to teach them something. Cory even thinks the seniors singled them out for a certain reason. You'll never guess who ends up being right. I dare you to guess right now. Apparently, the seniors did do this to teach them a lesson about exploring the world beyond their own. Apparently, the seniors have also been in Topanga's coffee shop for as long as they can remember and have been watching the kids come and go, but they never noticed them before. GIRL MEETS WORLD, STOP. JUST STOP. THIS IS AWFUL, AND IF THE EPISODE WASN'T GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS, I WOULD BE MORE UPSET. I DON'T KNOW THESE DAMN KIDS. I'VE NEVER SEEN THESE DAMN KIDS BEFORE IN ANY OTHER EPISODE. I'M NOT STUPID, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
-You know what? Because that one moment pissed me off so much, I'm going to talk about it some more. I don't buy for one second that the seniors were trying to teach the freshmen anything. Nobody does stuff like this in school. This is as unrealistic as the show has ever been, and all it does is remind me that GMW consistently has poor execution when it comes to telling their stories. Why couldn't the seniors have just been assholes looking to clown the guys? Why was it revealed that they are these mystical omnipotent creatures hiding in the coffee shop for two damn years waiting for Riley and the kids to go to high school so they could teach them this lesson? If the seniors were older, I would have called the cops because chances are, they're most likely just child molesters or pedophiles or rapists. I understand the intention, but I don't care about these stupid kids and what they want to teach Riley's gang. You're not Feeny, you're not Alan, you're not even Cory, so don't try to sell me that nonsense.
-There's a subplot here, but I don't know how I feel about it. Basically, Ava's parents have been fighting a lot lately, and in the end, Ava's father leaves the family. I'm not really invested in Ava as a character so I don't care that much about her endeavors, but this is definitely her best performance yet. The actress really sells it as a kid seeing her parents fight and not understanding why or if she had a role to play in it as well. I don't know why this plot exists, because at the end of the day, it's still a plot starring a character I'm not interested in, but as the late, great rapper Phife Dawg once said, "You get an E for effort, and T for nice try."
-Because the writers want to let you know they're in on the joke, and they're aware of what they are doing, we have a new character here named Marley. I really hope she's only around for this one episode because all she does is sit in the classroom and comment on how strange it is that Riley and the kids have full-on conversations while Cory does absolutely nothing. Like Mr. Enter always says, pointing out your problems does not make it okay. If anything, it makes the show look worse because we know the writers are aware of what they're doing and they know we know what they're doing but they're never going to stop because now the characters can comment on it in the show! Besides, isn't Zay supposed to be the character making meta jokes? Why do we need another person doing this?
-Speaking of Zay, I almost forgot to talk about this. With him and Smackle in the same high school with the rest of the gang, the quartet is now officially a sextet. I like this because now there are more characters to play off of each other and more potential for new stories. This is actually one of the things where GMW has the point over BMW. In the original show, they started introducing new cast members to the main cast on a whim. The only problem is, none of those characters ended up becoming as endearing or memorable as the core four (Cory, Shawn, Topanga, Eric). Jack was pretty decent, Angela did her thing, and Rachel was Rachel but they all came off as recurring characters given a role they really didn't need. The best part about the sextet is that none of them are new additions to the show. Hell, Smackle made her presence felt in the first season and one of the show's best episodes was centered around her. So yeah, I think this new arrangement could work out.
-Another joke I liked: The kids complaining to Cory about how much he failed to prepare them for high school, including Smackle. Cory then points out that Smackle never went to their school, and she responds by saying she wants to join the love triangle. Also, Maya comments on Riley by saying something like, "I'm in a triangle with this?" Wait, but Michael Jacobs told me there is no triangle. Whatever.
-To make the cypher complete when it comes to Girl Meets World, the episode has to have some crying. At the coffee shop when Riley is confronting Farkle, it really looks like Sabrina Carpenter is on the edge of tears for reasons that escape me. Then when Maya talks to Ava about her family situation, she starts remembering her own and gets emotional. Then she talks to Riley about the episode's events and they're both crying. I don't know why crying and sadness and drama is such a thing with this show. It meant something in "Rileytown" when Riley and Maya cried because everything had been building up to that point. It was completely unexpected, and it was something we had never seen before. Now, I just roll my eyes whenever these kids cry. I'm calling it right now, there's going to be a future episode where Riley loses her lucky pencil and starts crying about it after ten minutes. Or another one where someone mentions the rapper Father MC and Maya bursts into tears at the word "father."
Ok after a lengthy absence I'm back and ready to tackle GMW again! Yeah, the whole thing about not trying to get my viewings of GMW to count towards Nielsen ratings because I'm an asshole is kind of backfiring on me. By not bothering to at least record it on my DVR I...waited too long until the episode wasn't even on Watch Disney anymore and I had to wait to record it when it appeared on actual Disney Channel again. Yeah, I'll quit being an asshole.
I've already read Mike's review, and Sean and Christian's review because trying to avoid Girl Meets World spoilers is like trying to avoid Game of Thrones spoilers (you got to be on top of that, man!) So yes, I know that there are some parts that work brilliantly, I know there are some parts that work disastrously, and that on the whole the two-parter is either "meh" to "yeah the whole thing is a disaster too." I also find it interesting that instead of splitting it up by a week (like they did with the three-part Fight the Future Lab special for Best Friends Whenever, airing around the same time) or just airing it as a one-hour special they aired it on Friday, then skipped Saturday, then aired it Sunday (effectively burying the Season 3 finale of Liv and Maddie under Part 2, something this show seems really fond of - but like I said in the Danger & Thunder review, I'll cover more of my frustration with that in Meets Jexica).
...wow, did they just open up with a faux-Riley/Maya fake-out? Like, we would literally forget what Rowan Blanchard and Sabrina Carpenter would look like, or be convinced that aging one year in the middle of puberty completely changes your physical appearance? Oh, no wait, this is the fake-out Sean, Christian and Mike mentioned where they get slammed against the doors by the real Riley and Maya who make the same "we're gonna take over" declaration. I think at least one of the three thought it was pretty funny - I just think it's incredibly mean-spirited. By the show itself, who apparently wants to carry on the proud Disney tradition that non-major actors need to earn their scale through physical abuse, and by Riley and Maya, whether intentional or not but it does make their time in the hole or whatever look a little deserving if it means bringing them closer to some humility by a notch (you know, that thing that Riley and Maya had a lot of from the very first episode to right before this one?) In fact, back to this scene and the show itself, I feel like this is how the show itself actually sees itself regarding its position on the network - it's gonna take over, and it can just shove the doors against all the other shows. But again, I'll try to save that rant for Meets Jexica (you'll see why it has to be that episode when I get around to that episode - again, it's related to a theory about "Jexica" herself).
Well it looks like Zay is trying to help those girls up, but it devotes literally less than a second to this (yes, I friggin' timed it). It's barely enough time for Zay to extend a hand in sufficient enough motion to make it clear he's extending his hand. Yeah, that's just the show not giving af.
Jesus Christ why are there three Smackle clones? I know it has to be this way for Farkle's joke to make any lick of sense but it only emphasizes how the writers of this show (or even Micheal Jacobs specifically, although I'm praying this isn't the case) can only see things in terms of Riley/Maya/Lucas/Farkle and now Zay and Smackle. No, I don't mean from their perspectives, I mean actual Riley/Maya/Lucas/Farkle and now Zay and Smackle. In that, everyone in existence has to fit into these four pre-conceived paradigms, now conveniently and begrudgingly increased to six. It goes along with that faux-Riley/Maya getting smacked against the doors "joke" from less than 30 seconds earlier. It's like what people tell me of only being able to see redheads (including fake redhead Jessie Prescott) in terms of my ex but, yeah, that's not the point. What is the point is that I really don't want the show to only be able to see people in terms of Riley/Maya/Lucas/Farkle or related archetypes. That's one of the things that's really holding the show back.
The high school set really doesn't impress me, coming off as cramped, cheap and overall just a redress of the pre-existant John Quincy Adams Middle School set of prior. What does impress me, actually, is Corey Fogelmanis himself - and yeah, it's very obviously clear that the whole Donnie Barnes thing really was necessary. He really does looks like Disney Channel leading material himself now, and you just can't really pull off old, dorky Farkle off anymore with something like that. You do have to make the character evolved because guess what, people do - and it's one of the things the show has done best relative to other things so far, even if it was somewhat bumpy and roughly handled and even if only because Corey's biology itself essentially forced the show to. If Corey didn't end up looking like a legitimate rival to Peyton Meyer (or what's his face from Bunk'd) for lead-worthiness, they'd probably still be pushing the old Farkle, son of Minkus Prime act. As evidenced that Smackle is still fundamentally the same Smackle, still dressing the same because even though they don't make clothes like that in actual teen sizes, Disney's wardrobe department can make it happen anyway. In fact, the Smackle clones themselves are dressed more chic-ly than Smackle-Prime, even if in at least two of the cases only by a notch or so (I think the one on the far left, in the red-and-mustard number, really pulls off the demure chic look far too well than what the director or writer were aiming for).
Also, the I thought they were you! excuse doesn't work when she's standing right in front of you. Consider that High School Lesson #1, Farkle.
Ok, so about the whole "owning high school" thing. Yeah, I guess I need to talk about that. Sean and Christian already talked about that. Mike already talked about that in the green part above. All three of them did it exceedingly brilliantly and with better writing talent than the knuckleheads behind this actual episode. Anyway, I remember when I was entering into high school for the first time and even before, with the anticipation of 8th grade ending (and now I'm reminded of yet another superior show, 100 Things to do Before High School, which sadly is dearly departed after just one season). I knew there was no way I was going to walk in to high school owning the place as a freshman, and in fact I was kind of on the defensive against upperclassmen because, see, even back then they had these TV shows and movies that talked about how rough it can be for freshman to survive high school. being all the way at the bottom of the food chain and all. One of these TV shows, in fact, was a quaint little multi-cam family sitcom called Boy. Meets. Friggin'. World. I really don't know how the same exact people can make that and then trip over themselves by being so busy fawning over the Riley/Maya/Lucas/Farkle/Related clique. Boy Meets World was written as an actual story - not as television (there's a distinction) but as a story, which is why rival network TeeNick is so desperate to get reruns of Boy Meets World running 15 years after that show concluded. Girl Meets World so far seems to be written almost as if Micheal Jacobs is under the belief that Riley Matthews and Maya Hart are the avatars for the daughters he's never had, and so he has to coddle and protect them at all costs, as if what happens to these characters provides a reverse Dorian Gray-like conduit (I'm sure there's a less awkward term for what I'm looking for) to transfer events and experiences onto these would-be Jacobs daughters.
BTW, that thing I just described? Surprisingly common in the fiction-writing world. It's one of those traps writers, especially novice writers, really need to look out for (writers have a tendency to get really attached to characters either of the opposite sex, avatars for their children/would-be children, and especially a combination of both - yeah, I'm looking right at you again, Jacobs). But given what's tweeted out of the "official" Girl Meets World Writers account, it seems like they slept through most of Creative Writing 101.
That said, the whole idea of Riley and Maya thinking they can own high school as freshman is actually a great setup and a potential lesson in hubris. It'd be a nice way to address one of the most common complaints Sean, Christian and most of the adult audience have of the show, and while bringing Riley and Maya down a notch or two would be excessively cruel, it would be nice to see what kind of humane (or humane-ish) lesson the show has in store about teaching them humility and how to deal with adversity and people using their superiority in physical stature, social status and age to bully those less advantaged.
Of course, having already read the green text above, I know there's no way in hell that's happening p.s. jon snow is brought back to life and cersei friggin' nukes the whole goddamn sept.
And again I remind myself of a much superior show I kind of would rather be watching right now. I really need to stop that.
The doubt Maya voices to Riley also really drives home the fundamental differences between these two characters, and why I think a lot of it boils down to writing faux-pas on the staff's part than any actual creative intention. Maya actually acts like how a freshman should act like - that there are seniors here who have spent the last three years trying to climb to the top, that eating freshman for a breakfast is pretty much a hobby for them, and that there are plenty of sophomores and even other freshman who easily outsize her (sorry Sabs). Riley...either acts like someone who's deluded herself that she's going to be the top Queen Bee not at the end of four years but at the end of this year, tops (you know, like Regina in Mean Girls - i.e. the exact opposite of Riley Matthews) or she acts like Rowan Blanchard who's read ahead in the script and knows Riley is pre-destined to not only be Queen Bee after all, but the most benevolent Queen Bee the world has ever seen, because the writers can't help themselves but intend this (again, see the coddling thing above). In a show that's explicitly about coming-of-age, a show that's the sequel to another show explicitly about coming-of-age, it's exceedingly frustrating for the show to have this attitude so prevalent. It more or less destroys the entire concept of coming-of-age to begin with! What's the point of using fictional examples to try to learn from their struggles on how to better ourselves as real people, if these fictional examples are just going to be portrayed as perfect and ultimately just serve as a reminder of how we, as real people, suck and how much the real world just sucks in comparison? Again, this is why Victorious was such a brilliant show for what it was - it showed actual teens struggling, and Tori didn't win all the time. In fact by the whole Tori won rarely - she mostly had to just shrug off her losses and just fake it like she made it. The whole faking it thing, and pulling it off successfully, was Tori's real success. Again, this is one of the reason why people say Victorious actually comes off as more realistic and relatable than Shake it Up, where as long as they put enough effort into it CeCe and Rocky always won - or Girl Meets World where Riley is pretty much pre-ordained to win by Act of Friggin' God and therefore has to put literally zero effort into everything.
And yes I'm even going to play the Jessie is better than Girl Meets World card again because especially in the first two seasons Jessie got the utter crap beat out of her - mostly metaphorically but sometimes very literally - and often times at the end she "lost," or at least she didn't necessarily gain anything personally, but the kids were able to gain something in the process. That's a lesson in sacrifice right there. Tori Vega is a lesson in how to win even when losing. Girl Meets World is...gah. I'm just going to say it. It's voyeuristic fantasy about having a dream daughter being played on basic cable's #1 live action tween's entertainment network. I'm sure if Christian or Sean read this, especially after saying that Jessie is better than GMW, they're going to editorially rip me a new one, but I'm also hoping they see what I'm getting at with the differences between what a show ostensibly intends on-paper and in-PR and what it's actually accomplishing story-wise and character-wise on-screen. After reading their reviews, I think they'd get it, easily.
Or on to Lucas, who has another at least realistic attitude about it - after all, people in high school are just that, people in high school. But if there's one thing I've learned from reading teen literature in high school settings it's that people can be vicious af. Like "Thor" here, who I instantly recognize as Luke Benward from the DCOM Girl vs. Monster, Teddy's boyfriend Beau from Good Luck Charlie and from the penultimate episode of the original CSI (who he co-guest starred in with Hunter King who is Joey King's older sister and, ummm...may or, um, may not be insanely hot but yeah back to GMW!) I mean just look at Thor here lording over his power as he just casually inserts himself in between what I'm assuming are two of these "Valkyries" the green text above refers to, again one of which I instantly recognize as Ashley Argota who has done the whole kidcom tour circuit here and there, including having a main role in the short lived Nick-com Bucket and Skinner's Epic Adventure as well as main roles in the much-better lived Nick-com True Jackson, VP and Freeform's The Fosters; the main antagonist in the DCOM How to Build a Better Boy and as especially seen in this very episode, um, again may or may not be insanely hot.
I don't know who blondie is but yeah we can just chalk her up in the "insanely hot" column too while we're at it and abusing words until they're stripped of all their real meaning.
Ok so Riley gives her big "best friends coming apart in high school speech," and I guess I get her motivation for wanting to "own" high school from day one of freshman year, but her motivation's more misplaced than that of the villain's from the last Captain America movie. Not that that's even unrealistic, mind you - all kids think their relationships are static and invulnerable to the whims of character and personality evolution. I sure as hell thought that. I can understand how "ruling high school" can make Riley think it would give her the power to force her relationship with Maya at least to remain forever static. It's actually not too different from what motivates a lot of villains from gaining absolute power - to use that power for good and completely forgetting that absolute power just happens to corrupt absolutely.
The whole "getting run over in the hallway" thing isn't just completely realistic, it's by far the most realistic thing in this episode so far. Also, I love Farkle's confidence in actually being able to own this place by being able to avoid being trampled through leaping onto a chandelier. See that's actual writing!
Now we finally get to the revamped credits after I've already spent almost three thousand words writing about this episode - yes that's a thousand words per minute of air time. As for the credits themselves, I understand it's a bit controversial or at least hit-or-miss with a lot of people. And...actually, I really like it. Not only that but I think it's actually the best single thing of the whole damn series so far. I mean it. It much better fits both the tone of the show itself and the tone of the very theme song over the "random mini-clip show" variation the show's used before (BTW using that as a credits sequence is kind of a pet peeve of mine. I eagerly give kudos to shows that bother to do a more bespoke sequence like how, say, Liv and Maddie, Stuck in the Middle or XD's Kirby Buckets and now GMW included). In fact, again, it does a much better job of actually communicating what the show's supposed to be about, and it's just pretty damn slick overall. I really wish they had just used something like this to begin with, but I also think that the age and maturity of everybody in it now helps pull off how slick it is. Especially, again, Corey Fogelmanis. He pulls off a very palpable, almost tangible slickness in the opening credits sequence. That, my friends, is slick.
It's odd that the mascot of Abigail Adams High School Patriots is some big burly white guy who looks like he got rejected to be the mascot of the actual New England Patriots over at Gilette Stadium. Given modern sensibilities and given it's named after Abigail I would think the mascot would somehow manage to combine the patriot theme with women's representation. Maybe even forget the patriot theme altogether and go with Athena, always a popular female mascot choice (but then Riley's joke wouldn't make sense).
And then right off the bat Ashley Argota (yeah I'm just gonna call her and Thor/Luke Benward by their real names) tells them to get in the hole.
Yes. The Hole. The Infamous Hole.
Victorious has Tori's feet slathered in ketchup. iCarly has Carly's toe stuck in the faucet. Shake it Up has the anorexia comment. Jessie has the Gluten scene. And the steam cleaner scene. Now Girl Meets World will forever have The Hole. And Jakee Haley as Evelyn Rand, Crazy Hat Lady.
But anyway, Maya standing up to Ashley is pretty good and dare I say realistic, or at least it's what I expect of her. Likewise with Lucas, although the whole "strong as a horse" speech seems awkward, like it's just straining to be a callback when Dump Truck got lost looking for the Liv and Maddie set and ended up at GMW instead. Too bad for him he's not the Biggest Lucas on campus anymore, and Even Bigger Lucas is having none of it. That's not going to stop Now Suddenly Small Lucas from backing down, and he's asking all the right questions. Why do people act like this is one of the questions people should be asking themselves in high school, and perhaps not enough as it is. See GMW this is what you should be doing, making the audience ask the questions they should be asking and providing even just possible theoretical answers that at least seem good on television.
Also, freshman songs don't work like that. The freshman song ends up being self-defeating if it's meant to humiliate freshman yet it's the seniors who make themselves look like jackasses by singing it. Especially the pirouette Ashley and Blonde pull off (though given how insanely hot they are I'm gonna let it slide). Seriously though, Ashley and Blondie act exactly like the type of non-bullies Riley and Maya themselves would act like - although, again, we'll find out that's exactly the point and it's so stupid it gives me a headache. Also they throw in a little thing in there to remind people that Ashley Argota also sings (and currently signed by Hollywood Records, a Walt Disney Company).
Riley is all too happy to go down to the hole and sing, which, granted, is entirely in-character. Zay also acts in-character, but at least it's a narrative contribution.
Another thing I like - besides the credits - is that, everybody's intimidated in their own way to go into the hole. Riley, er, sing-songs her way in, Farkle tries to hide but relents, and Zay just gives up before the battle's even fought. But Lucas won't go down without fighting every step of the way - and he does it with diplomacy and reason. That's the Lucas we all know and love in this show. He's a fighter, but he's a rational fighter - but he's still going to fight and claw for as long as he's breathing.
The subplot, from a narrative standpoint, really isn't worth commenting further on than what the green text from Mike already covered - except that, I'm actually really impressed with not only Danielle's acting, but like Ava's too. They really make it worth watching more than the bare narrative itself, or at least their delivery is what manufactures all the humor the subplot has to offer.
The classroom scenes and especially Marley - the other thing this episode has to offer for contention against The Hole. Actually, and call me crazy, but I feel like Marley might actually be Jacobs' potshot directly at Sean and Christian (not Mike and me though, the eight of you who bother to read this blog aren't nearly enough to get it up on Jacobs' radar). And they right off the bat even have to throw in an obvious, blatant reference to Meets Triangle, an episode that's three or four episodes into the future. There's foreshadowing, and then there's just telegraphing your punches.
I like how har-hurr has become Maya-speak for blah blah blah.
Oh, and about The Hole - It doesn't make any friggin' sense. It's the landing between stairways - it's either completely full of people getting to class or completely empty because people are already in class. Unless Big Luke, Hot Ashley and Blonde Valkyrie want to waste their entire free period staring at The Riley Bunch in The Hole it's completely unenforceable. It only works because it's a TV set they can conveniently clear as the plot demands, like right now.
Cory's big speech, har-hurr this har-hurr that, a bunch of confusing dialogue that doesn't make sense except in Micheal Jacobs' world and oh hey The Hole is metaphorical, let's blame the girl we're gonna blame for leading us down into it.
The only thing really worth left to discuss in this episode is the "confrontation" at Topanga's, which I'll get to when assigning this episode a grade, right below:
Episode Grade: A solid...C. This episode just felt like it was all over the place. It had some great potential, but squandered all of it tripping all over itself trying to express half-assed ideas it barely knew how to articulate, if at all, making meta humor and callbacks, specifically seeming either to Meets Bay Window (with alterna-Rileys and alterna-Mayas) and to Meets Triangle, a future episode. Not to mention tripping over itself bizarrely coddling Riley in particular.
That aforementioned "confrontation" just serves to encapsulate everything I was just talking about. It's bizarre, it's poorly and ineptly handled and it doesn't communicate at all what the episode wants to say or even anywhere vaguely near a specific point. Yeah, I get that it's about how to deal with drifting relationships and challenges in high school, but only because the characters themselves outright, very explicitly state as much, in actual, plain words. That's the very definition of telling, not showing! Plus the "threatening" high school seniors...don't seem threatening at all. In fact they actually do seem like they were trying to offer advice, just extremely cryptically. It's the exact same problem Meets Tater Tot had. I really don't know what's in Jacobs' head that older students who try to offer younger students life advice are suddenly a dire threat. I'm wondering if he's lost it - in more ways than one. He is getting old after all.
This episode would've gotten a C+ but it gets a grade demerit for how mean-spirited I found the opening gag to be.
Episode MVP: The two girls door body-slammed by thoughtless Riley and thoughtless Maya. So there.
Extra Thoughts
- yeah, I'm pretty sure the whole Marley thing is a cheap shot at Christian and Sean, specifically. Well at least it gives another young actress a speaking role.
- Wait, Thor's name is actually Thor? And Hot Ashley and Blonde Valkyrie have actual names? (Nikki and Francesca, apparently).
- Again, this episode is all over the place. So much so that it warrants additional mention here in Extra Thoughts, just to sum things up.
- Rowan is far too young to even elicit any interest in attractiveness from me, let alone to comment on it, but I will say the actual dress she wore during the interstitial cut (where she's throwing the paper airplane) sure is damn pretty. Sadly I can't seem to find it anywhere, I don't know if it's a "custom" job by the wardrobe department or not.
- The word count for my contribution of the review after mentioning the credits is only ~1,350 words, or roughly just a third of the part that comes before. Yeah I need to learn balance and editing.
I'm going to wait until Saturday - seven days after the premiere airing - to watch this episode. That way my viewing won't count towards Nielsen ratings. Because I'm an asshole like that - Unknown.
Hi everybody. Hopefully, Unknown will show up later (I will, later - much later. Because, again, I'm an asshole like that), but for now, let's get this review started by saying finally, Girl Meets World.....HAS COME BACK.....TO BLOGGER.
Is this a good thing? Well, it helps me with my procrastination so there's that. But the question is, can this show finally improve and be what we want it to be? Three months ago, we said that season three was gut check time. This was the season where all cards had to be thrown on the table, and GMW had to finally evolve from its predecessor in order to become a show worth watching. It's been going in circles for two years now, so does the season premiere show growth and potential?
The answer is no. It doesn't.
I'm at the point where I'm no longer angry at the show when it makes episodes like these, just disappointed. Actually, I'm still going to be angry. But part one of this season premiere isn't the kind of episode you lose your mind over. It's just you shaking your head because once again, Girl Meets World proves that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm serious, that saying might be in my top five all-time. It's so simple, but can be used effectively in many situations. Plus, this show is the epitome of that saying, so its relevance has yet to fade away.
But enough of that, let's talk about this episode. As a season premiere, it is miles ahead of the garbage pile that was "Gravity," but may or may not be better than the pilot based on what part two has in store for us. That's what sucks about reviewing this particular episode. If it sucks, I can't give it the complete thrashing I want to because part two might fix every little problem. It was a lot easier to do this with "Texas" because almost everything worked in those episodes, so treating them individually was a breeze. But since this is about the individual part one, let's pretend part two doesn't exist and this episode is simply that.......its own standalone episode.
It wasn't impressive and didn't give me a lot of hope for the new season. As someone who is graduating from high school in three weeks, I looked at Riley's gang and remembered how I felt on the first day. The kids were huge, the halls were huge, the building was huge. There was definitely that feeling captured within the show so I can't fault them for that. The only thing is, I went to a New York City public school just like these guys, and the similarities just stopped after a couple minutes. I don't know any kind of seniors that would waste their time treating freshmen like four-year-olds and putting them in the corner like that. It just seemed so stereotypical and cliche to make the seniors typical high school jocks, because it brings nothing to the table. It's the same thing we have seen done on every other live-action show aimed at teenagers throughout history.
Unlike several other shows, however, Girl Meets World chooses to portray classroom scenes the same way they always do: With Cory just watching the kids talk about their bad day and interrupt class time. Are you kidding me right now? We were getting sick and tired of this crap in season one. Now Cory's letting Riley and her friends hijack the class in high school too? I mean, eighth graders tend to act like eighth graders in ninth grade as well. Once the year is over, they slowly get out of that junior high mentality and realize what kind of environment they are in. But this has nothing to do with being realistic. They're just doing the same thing they did for two seasons completely straight. Do the writers not realize that this has to stop at some point? It's beating a dead horse. In Boy Meets World, we all knew Feeny had ultimate control of the classroom other than those rare occasions. He would never stand for his students constantly interrupting him like this. Cory has to do something about these children......soon.
So the main conflict here is, of course, Riley and the gang coming to terms with the fact that they are small fish in a big pond. And immediately, I think of that Full House episode where D.J. starts high school and pretty much feels the same way these kids feel. Of course, D.J. never assumed she was going to take over the school on her first day, she was just overwhelmed by her surroundings and struggled to adapt to them. Here, it legitimately feels like the kids thought that they were going to run the joint like they did in junior high. No kid thinks like this. Once you go to high school, you know your place and you just go on with your life. We get it, you were kings in junior high and now you're not. You have anything more to say? The worst part is, Maya of all people is dumbfounded at the fact that they're not running anything. It's Maya. Isn't she supposed to be the street-smart member of the group? Why does she feel this way when she should have known how things were going to be? Cory just wanted no Feeny and a chance to befriend Harley so nobody would bother him in high school. Why is this news to them?
Lucas gets legit pissed off at Riley for her undying optimism, and this is where the episode actually gives us something to chew on. For so long, Riley has been the cheerful leader, the one that tries to find the absolute best in people. But as you get older, you realize that not everyone has good intentions. Assholes exist, evil exists, and some people only want to torture you. Either that, or they just don't care about you at all. It's a harsh lesson I had to learn in high school, and one that I wish the show would teach to these kids so they get a taste of the real world. In the real world, people are going to smack you in the mouth for no reason. Lucas sees that, Zay sees that, Farkle and Smackle see that, and I know Maya sees that. But Riley doesn't see that, and that conflict with herself is one that I hope the writers delve into as the season goes on.
So the episode ends with everyone realizing that junior high is over and Riley can't be their gatekeeper anymore so they all abandon her except for Maya. And then they cry about it because this show is like, really emotional, man. What's comedy to them? Who cares when you can make these girls cry about everything that ever happens?
Yeah, part one's not looking so good right now. I want to hope for the best in part two, but as I've seen many times before with this show, hope might be an irrational thing to have. It's season three. It's high school now. This is where most shows start to enter their peak years before declining miserably. If you ask me, this show is still finding its voice. That's not a good thing to say three seasons in.
Episode Grade: C
Episode MVP: Me, because I had to sit through it. No, I'm just kidding. Wait, you know what? It's me, because I literally can't think of anybody that deserved this award.
EXTRA THOUGHTS
-I can't get over this hollow feeling I had while watching this episode. I didn't even get angry that much or laugh at a lot of jokes. It was just a really average 22 minutes, and I don't want it to get to the point where this show becomes boring. It's one thing for episodes to be terrible, but when this show isn't even worth reviewing, it becomes just like every other live-action show for kids, only with more attempts at emotion.
-I watched a couple minutes of Stuck in the Middle before this episode came on. The single-camera format is horrible. I know this was a stylistic choice, but the work here is piss poor and makes the show look more like a cheesy five-minute short than an actual series. The camera is way too close to every single character, the lighting is distracting, and I feel like the format hurts the pacing because the show felt like it was fifty minutes long. Seriously, there's a way to do a single-camera show. JONAS was single-camera, and it was a lot more easy on the eyes than this show. Go back and watch some season one episodes of JONAS, the camera work there compared to this show is like night and day.
-I don't know what it is, but this show also looks slightly different. Like, the lighting is more expressive for some reason. Either that, or it looks like the characters rubbed extra shiny cream on their skin. A little distracting, but I can live with that.
-The opening joke with Riley and Maya inadvertently knocking down their lookalikes at the door was pretty funny. Don't drink that joke in one gulp, because you'll be pretty thirsty for the rest of it.
-I guess the show thought it was really, really slick by completely redoing the opening sequence of Boy Meets World from seasons 5-7. It took me some time, but after a couple seconds, I realized what they were doing and it just annoyed me. If they used this sequence as a joke, or as a one-time homage, that would be pretty cool, but as far as I can tell, this is the new opening. They're not even playing with the original scenes, it's just the characters reenacting the whole thing. I don't know why they got rid of the first opening which actually gave this show an identity, but now it feels like they really want you to remember that this is Boy Meets World's child. It's lazy, it makes no sense to use, and it just reminds me that BMW will always be the better show.
-I also can't get over how the seniors are used here. They put these new freshmen in a hole because they have nothing better to do. Lucas thinks it's just them being assholes, while Riley thinks this is meant to teach them something. Cory even thinks the seniors singled them out for a certain reason. You'll never guess who ends up being right. I dare you to guess right now. Apparently, the seniors did do this to teach them a lesson about exploring the world beyond their own. Apparently, the seniors have also been in Topanga's coffee shop for as long as they can remember and have been watching the kids come and go, but they never noticed them before. GIRL MEETS WORLD, STOP. JUST STOP. THIS IS AWFUL, AND IF THE EPISODE WASN'T GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS, I WOULD BE MORE UPSET. I DON'T KNOW THESE DAMN KIDS. I'VE NEVER SEEN THESE DAMN KIDS BEFORE IN ANY OTHER EPISODE. I'M NOT STUPID, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
-You know what? Because that one moment pissed me off so much, I'm going to talk about it some more. I don't buy for one second that the seniors were trying to teach the freshmen anything. Nobody does stuff like this in school. This is as unrealistic as the show has ever been, and all it does is remind me that GMW consistently has poor execution when it comes to telling their stories. Why couldn't the seniors have just been assholes looking to clown the guys? Why was it revealed that they are these mystical omnipotent creatures hiding in the coffee shop for two damn years waiting for Riley and the kids to go to high school so they could teach them this lesson? If the seniors were older, I would have called the cops because chances are, they're most likely just child molesters or pedophiles or rapists. I understand the intention, but I don't care about these stupid kids and what they want to teach Riley's gang. You're not Feeny, you're not Alan, you're not even Cory, so don't try to sell me that nonsense.
-There's a subplot here, but I don't know how I feel about it. Basically, Ava's parents have been fighting a lot lately, and in the end, Ava's father leaves the family. I'm not really invested in Ava as a character so I don't care that much about her endeavors, but this is definitely her best performance yet. The actress really sells it as a kid seeing her parents fight and not understanding why or if she had a role to play in it as well. I don't know why this plot exists, because at the end of the day, it's still a plot starring a character I'm not interested in, but as the late, great rapper Phife Dawg once said, "You get an E for effort, and T for nice try."
-Because the writers want to let you know they're in on the joke, and they're aware of what they are doing, we have a new character here named Marley. I really hope she's only around for this one episode because all she does is sit in the classroom and comment on how strange it is that Riley and the kids have full-on conversations while Cory does absolutely nothing. Like Mr. Enter always says, pointing out your problems does not make it okay. If anything, it makes the show look worse because we know the writers are aware of what they're doing and they know we know what they're doing but they're never going to stop because now the characters can comment on it in the show! Besides, isn't Zay supposed to be the character making meta jokes? Why do we need another person doing this?
-Speaking of Zay, I almost forgot to talk about this. With him and Smackle in the same high school with the rest of the gang, the quartet is now officially a sextet. I like this because now there are more characters to play off of each other and more potential for new stories. This is actually one of the things where GMW has the point over BMW. In the original show, they started introducing new cast members to the main cast on a whim. The only problem is, none of those characters ended up becoming as endearing or memorable as the core four (Cory, Shawn, Topanga, Eric). Jack was pretty decent, Angela did her thing, and Rachel was Rachel but they all came off as recurring characters given a role they really didn't need. The best part about the sextet is that none of them are new additions to the show. Hell, Smackle made her presence felt in the first season and one of the show's best episodes was centered around her. So yeah, I think this new arrangement could work out.
-Another joke I liked: The kids complaining to Cory about how much he failed to prepare them for high school, including Smackle. Cory then points out that Smackle never went to their school, and she responds by saying she wants to join the love triangle. Also, Maya comments on Riley by saying something like, "I'm in a triangle with this?" Wait, but Michael Jacobs told me there is no triangle. Whatever.
-To make the cypher complete when it comes to Girl Meets World, the episode has to have some crying. At the coffee shop when Riley is confronting Farkle, it really looks like Sabrina Carpenter is on the edge of tears for reasons that escape me. Then when Maya talks to Ava about her family situation, she starts remembering her own and gets emotional. Then she talks to Riley about the episode's events and they're both crying. I don't know why crying and sadness and drama is such a thing with this show. It meant something in "Rileytown" when Riley and Maya cried because everything had been building up to that point. It was completely unexpected, and it was something we had never seen before. Now, I just roll my eyes whenever these kids cry. I'm calling it right now, there's going to be a future episode where Riley loses her lucky pencil and starts crying about it after ten minutes. Or another one where someone mentions the rapper Father MC and Maya bursts into tears at the word "father."
Ok after a lengthy absence I'm back and ready to tackle GMW again! Yeah, the whole thing about not trying to get my viewings of GMW to count towards Nielsen ratings because I'm an asshole is kind of backfiring on me. By not bothering to at least record it on my DVR I...waited too long until the episode wasn't even on Watch Disney anymore and I had to wait to record it when it appeared on actual Disney Channel again. Yeah, I'll quit being an asshole.
I've already read Mike's review, and Sean and Christian's review because trying to avoid Girl Meets World spoilers is like trying to avoid Game of Thrones spoilers (you got to be on top of that, man!) So yes, I know that there are some parts that work brilliantly, I know there are some parts that work disastrously, and that on the whole the two-parter is either "meh" to "yeah the whole thing is a disaster too." I also find it interesting that instead of splitting it up by a week (like they did with the three-part Fight the Future Lab special for Best Friends Whenever, airing around the same time) or just airing it as a one-hour special they aired it on Friday, then skipped Saturday, then aired it Sunday (effectively burying the Season 3 finale of Liv and Maddie under Part 2, something this show seems really fond of - but like I said in the Danger & Thunder review, I'll cover more of my frustration with that in Meets Jexica).
...wow, did they just open up with a faux-Riley/Maya fake-out? Like, we would literally forget what Rowan Blanchard and Sabrina Carpenter would look like, or be convinced that aging one year in the middle of puberty completely changes your physical appearance? Oh, no wait, this is the fake-out Sean, Christian and Mike mentioned where they get slammed against the doors by the real Riley and Maya who make the same "we're gonna take over" declaration. I think at least one of the three thought it was pretty funny - I just think it's incredibly mean-spirited. By the show itself, who apparently wants to carry on the proud Disney tradition that non-major actors need to earn their scale through physical abuse, and by Riley and Maya, whether intentional or not but it does make their time in the hole or whatever look a little deserving if it means bringing them closer to some humility by a notch (you know, that thing that Riley and Maya had a lot of from the very first episode to right before this one?) In fact, back to this scene and the show itself, I feel like this is how the show itself actually sees itself regarding its position on the network - it's gonna take over, and it can just shove the doors against all the other shows. But again, I'll try to save that rant for Meets Jexica (you'll see why it has to be that episode when I get around to that episode - again, it's related to a theory about "Jexica" herself).
Well it looks like Zay is trying to help those girls up, but it devotes literally less than a second to this (yes, I friggin' timed it). It's barely enough time for Zay to extend a hand in sufficient enough motion to make it clear he's extending his hand. Yeah, that's just the show not giving af.
Jesus Christ why are there three Smackle clones? I know it has to be this way for Farkle's joke to make any lick of sense but it only emphasizes how the writers of this show (or even Micheal Jacobs specifically, although I'm praying this isn't the case) can only see things in terms of Riley/Maya/Lucas/Farkle and now Zay and Smackle. No, I don't mean from their perspectives, I mean actual Riley/Maya/Lucas/Farkle and now Zay and Smackle. In that, everyone in existence has to fit into these four pre-conceived paradigms, now conveniently and begrudgingly increased to six. It goes along with that faux-Riley/Maya getting smacked against the doors "joke" from less than 30 seconds earlier. It's like what people tell me of only being able to see redheads (including fake redhead Jessie Prescott) in terms of my ex but, yeah, that's not the point. What is the point is that I really don't want the show to only be able to see people in terms of Riley/Maya/Lucas/Farkle or related archetypes. That's one of the things that's really holding the show back.
The high school set really doesn't impress me, coming off as cramped, cheap and overall just a redress of the pre-existant John Quincy Adams Middle School set of prior. What does impress me, actually, is Corey Fogelmanis himself - and yeah, it's very obviously clear that the whole Donnie Barnes thing really was necessary. He really does looks like Disney Channel leading material himself now, and you just can't really pull off old, dorky Farkle off anymore with something like that. You do have to make the character evolved because guess what, people do - and it's one of the things the show has done best relative to other things so far, even if it was somewhat bumpy and roughly handled and even if only because Corey's biology itself essentially forced the show to. If Corey didn't end up looking like a legitimate rival to Peyton Meyer (or what's his face from Bunk'd) for lead-worthiness, they'd probably still be pushing the old Farkle, son of Minkus Prime act. As evidenced that Smackle is still fundamentally the same Smackle, still dressing the same because even though they don't make clothes like that in actual teen sizes, Disney's wardrobe department can make it happen anyway. In fact, the Smackle clones themselves are dressed more chic-ly than Smackle-Prime, even if in at least two of the cases only by a notch or so (I think the one on the far left, in the red-and-mustard number, really pulls off the demure chic look far too well than what the director or writer were aiming for).
Also, the I thought they were you! excuse doesn't work when she's standing right in front of you. Consider that High School Lesson #1, Farkle.
Ok, so about the whole "owning high school" thing. Yeah, I guess I need to talk about that. Sean and Christian already talked about that. Mike already talked about that in the green part above. All three of them did it exceedingly brilliantly and with better writing talent than the knuckleheads behind this actual episode. Anyway, I remember when I was entering into high school for the first time and even before, with the anticipation of 8th grade ending (and now I'm reminded of yet another superior show, 100 Things to do Before High School, which sadly is dearly departed after just one season). I knew there was no way I was going to walk in to high school owning the place as a freshman, and in fact I was kind of on the defensive against upperclassmen because, see, even back then they had these TV shows and movies that talked about how rough it can be for freshman to survive high school. being all the way at the bottom of the food chain and all. One of these TV shows, in fact, was a quaint little multi-cam family sitcom called Boy. Meets. Friggin'. World. I really don't know how the same exact people can make that and then trip over themselves by being so busy fawning over the Riley/Maya/Lucas/Farkle/Related clique. Boy Meets World was written as an actual story - not as television (there's a distinction) but as a story, which is why rival network TeeNick is so desperate to get reruns of Boy Meets World running 15 years after that show concluded. Girl Meets World so far seems to be written almost as if Micheal Jacobs is under the belief that Riley Matthews and Maya Hart are the avatars for the daughters he's never had, and so he has to coddle and protect them at all costs, as if what happens to these characters provides a reverse Dorian Gray-like conduit (I'm sure there's a less awkward term for what I'm looking for) to transfer events and experiences onto these would-be Jacobs daughters.
BTW, that thing I just described? Surprisingly common in the fiction-writing world. It's one of those traps writers, especially novice writers, really need to look out for (writers have a tendency to get really attached to characters either of the opposite sex, avatars for their children/would-be children, and especially a combination of both - yeah, I'm looking right at you again, Jacobs). But given what's tweeted out of the "official" Girl Meets World Writers account, it seems like they slept through most of Creative Writing 101.
That said, the whole idea of Riley and Maya thinking they can own high school as freshman is actually a great setup and a potential lesson in hubris. It'd be a nice way to address one of the most common complaints Sean, Christian and most of the adult audience have of the show, and while bringing Riley and Maya down a notch or two would be excessively cruel, it would be nice to see what kind of humane (or humane-ish) lesson the show has in store about teaching them humility and how to deal with adversity and people using their superiority in physical stature, social status and age to bully those less advantaged.
Of course, having already read the green text above, I know there's no way in hell that's happening p.s. jon snow is brought back to life and cersei friggin' nukes the whole goddamn sept.
And again I remind myself of a much superior show I kind of would rather be watching right now. I really need to stop that.
The doubt Maya voices to Riley also really drives home the fundamental differences between these two characters, and why I think a lot of it boils down to writing faux-pas on the staff's part than any actual creative intention. Maya actually acts like how a freshman should act like - that there are seniors here who have spent the last three years trying to climb to the top, that eating freshman for a breakfast is pretty much a hobby for them, and that there are plenty of sophomores and even other freshman who easily outsize her (sorry Sabs). Riley...either acts like someone who's deluded herself that she's going to be the top Queen Bee not at the end of four years but at the end of this year, tops (you know, like Regina in Mean Girls - i.e. the exact opposite of Riley Matthews) or she acts like Rowan Blanchard who's read ahead in the script and knows Riley is pre-destined to not only be Queen Bee after all, but the most benevolent Queen Bee the world has ever seen, because the writers can't help themselves but intend this (again, see the coddling thing above). In a show that's explicitly about coming-of-age, a show that's the sequel to another show explicitly about coming-of-age, it's exceedingly frustrating for the show to have this attitude so prevalent. It more or less destroys the entire concept of coming-of-age to begin with! What's the point of using fictional examples to try to learn from their struggles on how to better ourselves as real people, if these fictional examples are just going to be portrayed as perfect and ultimately just serve as a reminder of how we, as real people, suck and how much the real world just sucks in comparison? Again, this is why Victorious was such a brilliant show for what it was - it showed actual teens struggling, and Tori didn't win all the time. In fact by the whole Tori won rarely - she mostly had to just shrug off her losses and just fake it like she made it. The whole faking it thing, and pulling it off successfully, was Tori's real success. Again, this is one of the reason why people say Victorious actually comes off as more realistic and relatable than Shake it Up, where as long as they put enough effort into it CeCe and Rocky always won - or Girl Meets World where Riley is pretty much pre-ordained to win by Act of Friggin' God and therefore has to put literally zero effort into everything.
And yes I'm even going to play the Jessie is better than Girl Meets World card again because especially in the first two seasons Jessie got the utter crap beat out of her - mostly metaphorically but sometimes very literally - and often times at the end she "lost," or at least she didn't necessarily gain anything personally, but the kids were able to gain something in the process. That's a lesson in sacrifice right there. Tori Vega is a lesson in how to win even when losing. Girl Meets World is...gah. I'm just going to say it. It's voyeuristic fantasy about having a dream daughter being played on basic cable's #1 live action tween's entertainment network. I'm sure if Christian or Sean read this, especially after saying that Jessie is better than GMW, they're going to editorially rip me a new one, but I'm also hoping they see what I'm getting at with the differences between what a show ostensibly intends on-paper and in-PR and what it's actually accomplishing story-wise and character-wise on-screen. After reading their reviews, I think they'd get it, easily.
Or on to Lucas, who has another at least realistic attitude about it - after all, people in high school are just that, people in high school. But if there's one thing I've learned from reading teen literature in high school settings it's that people can be vicious af. Like "Thor" here, who I instantly recognize as Luke Benward from the DCOM Girl vs. Monster, Teddy's boyfriend Beau from Good Luck Charlie and from the penultimate episode of the original CSI (who he co-guest starred in with Hunter King who is Joey King's older sister and, ummm...may or, um, may not be insanely hot but yeah back to GMW!) I mean just look at Thor here lording over his power as he just casually inserts himself in between what I'm assuming are two of these "Valkyries" the green text above refers to, again one of which I instantly recognize as Ashley Argota who has done the whole kidcom tour circuit here and there, including having a main role in the short lived Nick-com Bucket and Skinner's Epic Adventure as well as main roles in the much-better lived Nick-com True Jackson, VP and Freeform's The Fosters; the main antagonist in the DCOM How to Build a Better Boy and as especially seen in this very episode, um, again may or may not be insanely hot.
I don't know who blondie is but yeah we can just chalk her up in the "insanely hot" column too while we're at it and abusing words until they're stripped of all their real meaning.
Ok so Riley gives her big "best friends coming apart in high school speech," and I guess I get her motivation for wanting to "own" high school from day one of freshman year, but her motivation's more misplaced than that of the villain's from the last Captain America movie. Not that that's even unrealistic, mind you - all kids think their relationships are static and invulnerable to the whims of character and personality evolution. I sure as hell thought that. I can understand how "ruling high school" can make Riley think it would give her the power to force her relationship with Maya at least to remain forever static. It's actually not too different from what motivates a lot of villains from gaining absolute power - to use that power for good and completely forgetting that absolute power just happens to corrupt absolutely.
The whole "getting run over in the hallway" thing isn't just completely realistic, it's by far the most realistic thing in this episode so far. Also, I love Farkle's confidence in actually being able to own this place by being able to avoid being trampled through leaping onto a chandelier. See that's actual writing!
Now we finally get to the revamped credits after I've already spent almost three thousand words writing about this episode - yes that's a thousand words per minute of air time. As for the credits themselves, I understand it's a bit controversial or at least hit-or-miss with a lot of people. And...actually, I really like it. Not only that but I think it's actually the best single thing of the whole damn series so far. I mean it. It much better fits both the tone of the show itself and the tone of the very theme song over the "random mini-clip show" variation the show's used before (BTW using that as a credits sequence is kind of a pet peeve of mine. I eagerly give kudos to shows that bother to do a more bespoke sequence like how, say, Liv and Maddie, Stuck in the Middle or XD's Kirby Buckets and now GMW included). In fact, again, it does a much better job of actually communicating what the show's supposed to be about, and it's just pretty damn slick overall. I really wish they had just used something like this to begin with, but I also think that the age and maturity of everybody in it now helps pull off how slick it is. Especially, again, Corey Fogelmanis. He pulls off a very palpable, almost tangible slickness in the opening credits sequence. That, my friends, is slick.
It's odd that the mascot of Abigail Adams High School Patriots is some big burly white guy who looks like he got rejected to be the mascot of the actual New England Patriots over at Gilette Stadium. Given modern sensibilities and given it's named after Abigail I would think the mascot would somehow manage to combine the patriot theme with women's representation. Maybe even forget the patriot theme altogether and go with Athena, always a popular female mascot choice (but then Riley's joke wouldn't make sense).
And then right off the bat Ashley Argota (yeah I'm just gonna call her and Thor/Luke Benward by their real names) tells them to get in the hole.
Yes. The Hole. The Infamous Hole.
Victorious has Tori's feet slathered in ketchup. iCarly has Carly's toe stuck in the faucet. Shake it Up has the anorexia comment. Jessie has the Gluten scene. And the steam cleaner scene. Now Girl Meets World will forever have The Hole. And Jakee Haley as Evelyn Rand, Crazy Hat Lady.
But anyway, Maya standing up to Ashley is pretty good and dare I say realistic, or at least it's what I expect of her. Likewise with Lucas, although the whole "strong as a horse" speech seems awkward, like it's just straining to be a callback when Dump Truck got lost looking for the Liv and Maddie set and ended up at GMW instead. Too bad for him he's not the Biggest Lucas on campus anymore, and Even Bigger Lucas is having none of it. That's not going to stop Now Suddenly Small Lucas from backing down, and he's asking all the right questions. Why do people act like this is one of the questions people should be asking themselves in high school, and perhaps not enough as it is. See GMW this is what you should be doing, making the audience ask the questions they should be asking and providing even just possible theoretical answers that at least seem good on television.
Also, freshman songs don't work like that. The freshman song ends up being self-defeating if it's meant to humiliate freshman yet it's the seniors who make themselves look like jackasses by singing it. Especially the pirouette Ashley and Blonde pull off (though given how insanely hot they are I'm gonna let it slide). Seriously though, Ashley and Blondie act exactly like the type of non-bullies Riley and Maya themselves would act like - although, again, we'll find out that's exactly the point and it's so stupid it gives me a headache. Also they throw in a little thing in there to remind people that Ashley Argota also sings (and currently signed by Hollywood Records, a Walt Disney Company).
Riley is all too happy to go down to the hole and sing, which, granted, is entirely in-character. Zay also acts in-character, but at least it's a narrative contribution.
Another thing I like - besides the credits - is that, everybody's intimidated in their own way to go into the hole. Riley, er, sing-songs her way in, Farkle tries to hide but relents, and Zay just gives up before the battle's even fought. But Lucas won't go down without fighting every step of the way - and he does it with diplomacy and reason. That's the Lucas we all know and love in this show. He's a fighter, but he's a rational fighter - but he's still going to fight and claw for as long as he's breathing.
The subplot, from a narrative standpoint, really isn't worth commenting further on than what the green text from Mike already covered - except that, I'm actually really impressed with not only Danielle's acting, but like Ava's too. They really make it worth watching more than the bare narrative itself, or at least their delivery is what manufactures all the humor the subplot has to offer.
The classroom scenes and especially Marley - the other thing this episode has to offer for contention against The Hole. Actually, and call me crazy, but I feel like Marley might actually be Jacobs' potshot directly at Sean and Christian (not Mike and me though, the eight of you who bother to read this blog aren't nearly enough to get it up on Jacobs' radar). And they right off the bat even have to throw in an obvious, blatant reference to Meets Triangle, an episode that's three or four episodes into the future. There's foreshadowing, and then there's just telegraphing your punches.
I like how har-hurr has become Maya-speak for blah blah blah.
Oh, and about The Hole - It doesn't make any friggin' sense. It's the landing between stairways - it's either completely full of people getting to class or completely empty because people are already in class. Unless Big Luke, Hot Ashley and Blonde Valkyrie want to waste their entire free period staring at The Riley Bunch in The Hole it's completely unenforceable. It only works because it's a TV set they can conveniently clear as the plot demands, like right now.
Cory's big speech, har-hurr this har-hurr that, a bunch of confusing dialogue that doesn't make sense except in Micheal Jacobs' world and oh hey The Hole is metaphorical, let's blame the girl we're gonna blame for leading us down into it.
The only thing really worth left to discuss in this episode is the "confrontation" at Topanga's, which I'll get to when assigning this episode a grade, right below:
Episode Grade: A solid...C. This episode just felt like it was all over the place. It had some great potential, but squandered all of it tripping all over itself trying to express half-assed ideas it barely knew how to articulate, if at all, making meta humor and callbacks, specifically seeming either to Meets Bay Window (with alterna-Rileys and alterna-Mayas) and to Meets Triangle, a future episode. Not to mention tripping over itself bizarrely coddling Riley in particular.
That aforementioned "confrontation" just serves to encapsulate everything I was just talking about. It's bizarre, it's poorly and ineptly handled and it doesn't communicate at all what the episode wants to say or even anywhere vaguely near a specific point. Yeah, I get that it's about how to deal with drifting relationships and challenges in high school, but only because the characters themselves outright, very explicitly state as much, in actual, plain words. That's the very definition of telling, not showing! Plus the "threatening" high school seniors...don't seem threatening at all. In fact they actually do seem like they were trying to offer advice, just extremely cryptically. It's the exact same problem Meets Tater Tot had. I really don't know what's in Jacobs' head that older students who try to offer younger students life advice are suddenly a dire threat. I'm wondering if he's lost it - in more ways than one. He is getting old after all.
This episode would've gotten a C+ but it gets a grade demerit for how mean-spirited I found the opening gag to be.
Episode MVP: The two girls door body-slammed by thoughtless Riley and thoughtless Maya. So there.
Extra Thoughts
- yeah, I'm pretty sure the whole Marley thing is a cheap shot at Christian and Sean, specifically. Well at least it gives another young actress a speaking role.
- Wait, Thor's name is actually Thor? And Hot Ashley and Blonde Valkyrie have actual names? (Nikki and Francesca, apparently).
- Again, this episode is all over the place. So much so that it warrants additional mention here in Extra Thoughts, just to sum things up.
- Rowan is far too young to even elicit any interest in attractiveness from me, let alone to comment on it, but I will say the actual dress she wore during the interstitial cut (where she's throwing the paper airplane) sure is damn pretty. Sadly I can't seem to find it anywhere, I don't know if it's a "custom" job by the wardrobe department or not.
- The word count for my contribution of the review after mentioning the credits is only ~1,350 words, or roughly just a third of the part that comes before. Yeah I need to learn balance and editing.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
2016 Radio Disney Music Awards Reviewed
Ummm...I literally don't even know how to quote this to begin with.
What is it? The Disney Channel awards presentation show, and the only serious and true competition to the KCAs. Unlike the KCAs however it is not a live event as discussed in detail below.
Where did it air? Well it's the Radio Disney Music Awards so it might have aired on some sort of Disney-owned Channel....
Who stars in it? There are multiple presenters and multiple awards recipients so it's all over the place to the point where it's not even worth contemplating lest you explode your brain. The most heavily advertised and promoted presenters were Katherine McNamara and...I don't even know enough of her name to even look it up, but it doesn't matter because both of them ended up being on the show for literally less than five minutes, what a ripoff.
Why did we review it? Because it's the only thing Disney Channel has ever had that's even remotely close to the KCAs.
So I have to address one thing straight away - yeah, this is almost a whole solid month after the RDMAs premiered - which was back on May 1, and this is already May 28, Memorial Day Weekend. Back when the RDMAs premiered it was actually snowing (at least where I live - yeah I more than kind of want to move to where it's actually warm) and just this morning the neighborhood swimming pool just opened for the first time this season. Part of it's laziness, part of it's things come up and again part of it is that I'm just now finally catching up to not being sick anymore (that whole trilogy review special with Undateabale-Crowded-Grandfathered? That was supposed to happen before the KCAs even. It was supposed to happen the same week as the Mysteries of Laura reviewed to form an actual quartet, not have this one thing over here and then a few months later we get these three reviews and then all of a sudden Criminal Minds Beyond Friggin' Borders thrown in too. Hell there's a lot of stuff actually relevant to the title of this blog you see every time you open it up that we still need to catch up on - more Stuck in the Middle, Backstage, Mako Mermaids, School of Rock, The Loud House, stuff Mike wants to do...yeah it's been piling up.)
Anyway let's pretend it's still May 1 and instead of rushing to the pool and waiting for it to open we're staring out our window and going yup, I wished we lived in a warmer place.
Now there are awards given to kidcoms and kid-dramas at the "big adult shows" like the Daytime TV Awards and the Emmys and etc., but the KCAs and the RDMAs are kind of seen as the real battleground for which kidcoms and the small handful of kid-dramas fight for recognition. At least in the eyes of the demos they fight for - really, the KCAs and RDMAs really don't strike me as having any real legitimacy with the "adults" that people (whether they be actors, producers, writers, reviewers, what have you) have to go to in turn beg for legitimacy in their craft. And both Nickelodeon and Disney Channel are just fine with that - they're spectacles first and foremost to just keep getting that demo glued to the TV sets, or even more importantly get them hyped for Nickelodeon and Disney Channel-owned properties. Nowhere is this any more blatant than the KCAs, which is nothing more but a two-hour commercial for Nickelodeon shows and movies that Nickelodeon itself either sponsors/produces or in turn have sponsored the KCAs for further exposure and showering Nick's parent company CBS-Viacom for dollars - the sequel to TMNT (I don't know if it's TMNT 2, or 6, or even 5 which is what the stylized TMNT logo itself seems to be suggesting, conveniently forgetting there was a CGI-only movie, although it seems the whole world has forgotten about that anyway) of course being Nick's own property (fun fact: Nick owns TMNT "in perpetuity" along with Power Rangers) of which you can tell by having an admittedly kinda-cool action scene in the middle of their awards show. Of course, on the flip side you have the whole intro action sequence featuring Star Wars, fully owned by Nickelodeon's arch-rival Disney and featuring for the first time in KCA history the KCA's host killing a guy (or woman, which I suppose is within the theoretical now but yeah we all know it's supposed to be a guy in that suit, nor does it take away from the fact that Blake Shelton killed a guy as part of his KCA hosting duties). Of course that happened because Disney is all too happy to dump a bunch of money right at the feet of their own arch-rivals if it means another opportunity to remind the audience of this franchise that literally everybody in the entire world has seen a dozen times over and went online and bought the BB-8 remote control toy which will literally be the only time in their lives they shop from Sharper Image or Sky Mall.
But for all the blatant commercialism, to the point where it's obvious even to the youngest, most naive viewer that they're watching a two-hour commercial for the very network that's hosting it, for all of Blake Shelton killing a guy, you can't deny the KCA's have panache. It's the one thing they're really known for, it's the one thing they're really good at, it's the one thing that makes the KCAs otherwise stand out and even make dignified actors and actresses with a boatload of awards big enough they can actually go out and buy a boat like Emma Stone and Robert Downey Jr. revert to their tween and teenaged selves and let their inner child completely take over and realize that there's something about this carefree nostalgia where, yeah, being a teen isn't a cakewalk but there's a ton of fun about being a kid too. Mike especially, and I a little bit, talked about the KCA's glory days when we reviewed the '16 model. In fact I really should bug Mike to do a full-blown essay about it. Yeah, sure, the '16 awards may have phoned it in but the KCAs were such a massive spectacle to begin with even phoning it in means bringing something worthwhile to the table if you want to pretend to have any sort of street cred with the demo at all. Yeah, the execs may have a poor opinion about kids, even teen kids and young people in general, and their naivete (I've read some blind items about some ABC/Disney execs meeting with Shay Mitchell and Troian Bellisario and basically asking them why aren't they with their parents, particularly Troian's well-established dad, and both of these women are 30 years old - and yeah I should stop randomly name-dropping Troian before it becomes a problem and Patrick J. Adams puts his boot up my ass) but they still realize if you don't bring the slime, you're wasting our time. We got a bunch of slime being shot everywhere. We got, um, some sort of lame slime booth thing that was even lamer than last year's "slime car wash" (remember '13's freakin' slime rodeo?) Weren't we promised some sort of slime drone or something? Well at least we got some Super Mario Bros. thingie with the Game Shakers cast. We got a pretty cool DNCE performance that puts Katy Perry and her left shark to shame (note to self: stop name-dropping Troian Bellisario and stop referencing dank memes). We got a pretty cool live-performance commercial for TMNT Whatever Number It Is Now. We got Blake Shelton killing a guy. My point is, the Nick execs know that they need to put on a show, that the KCAs themselves legitimately constitute a show within itself. It's entertaining to watch even if you don't care about the awards given out, or to whom they're given out. And that phoning it in or not, this is an art they've perfected since well before either Mike or I could even comprehend the visuals and the information going on, particularly in Mike's case since it predates him even being born. The KCAs, for that matter, predate most of its very own live audience and award recipients being born, even the older teens. It predates KCA winners Taylor Swift and Emma Stone being born.
Then you have the Radio Disney Music Awards and even if it tried it can't be much more of such a stark study in contrast. Let's start with how long they've been going at it - the RDMAs were officially established with the 2013 awards - yes, that's right, the RDMAs are barely older than Girl Meets World. It's only six months older than Sabrina Carpenter's entire career on Disney Channel given that she was in that one episode of Austin & Ally - actually, by technicality Sabrina Carpenter's Disney Channel career is actually older as they would've filmed the episode back in February. This is only the fourth RDMA Awards Show period. And unless you were watching the RDMAs on Watch Disney Channel back in '13 (and by that, they had a smattering of performances from the show made available on the app) or you were there as part of the live audience you'd have no idea what was actually going on as they never even bothered to televise it. I simply can't comprehend how bizarre that is, especially given how massively hyped it was on Disney Channel itself. So this makes it only the third RDMA awards show ever to be actually televised.
And then we have the fundamental difference in how they're even televised. Nickelodeon famously televises the KCAs live, and with no tape delay given that it's produced on the West Coast through a single feed (though I doubt they'd resort to NBC's insanity and do the whole thing over again regardless). So what you see at the KCAs, even on television, is happening "raw" although there are indeed mechanisms in place so that Nick can cut to a different camera and/or host if something upsetting happens (usually upsetting to the wallets of the sponsors or Nick itself). Nick even goes so far as to have a "pre-launch" show that's also live. Perhaps it's a sign of Disney's infamous controlling reputation but the RDMAs are actually filmed the day before - the preceding Saturday, April 30 - and then aired the next day through massive tape delay (at that point becoming no different than a scripted episode already in the can). I remember either last year or the first televised airing they tried a pre-launch show (and trust me, every time I watch I get jealous of how they get to feel comfortable in short-sleeves and v-necks without any coats that time of year) but this year other than reading about the coverage on Just Jared Jr. or Twist Magazine, I don't remember any pre-launch events televised. I certainly would've spotted it on the channel guide and recorded it on my DVR. Maybe it's a minor gripe, but it does feel like it takes away a lot of the "oomph" and even the specialness when you know everything's been pre-recorded, especially given that the KCAs are live. You'll note we covered the KCAs as they aired (or tried to, given how I was sick already back then). With the RDMAs, a lot of the enthusiasm to cover the events as they're televised just evaporated. Most people who care hit the 'net and read about the results and the winners from the RDMA's own website (or most likely from the social media of the nominees they actually care about) right after the actual event back on April 30, or even as it was happening (again, this whole social media thing that apparently Disney Channel doesn't quite understand yet).
And there's comparing the events themselves. Again, the KCAs are a legit spectacle in their own right, even if it's still just a two-hour, live-performance commercial. You're going to get a guarantee that slime will be involved. The RDMAs are...a lot less imaginative. Since the RDMAs are strictly a music awards show and no TV series have anything at stake to claim, the focus is on music which means...a lot of live music performances. Some you'll be really enthusiastic about because they're artists you care about. Some...not so much (seriously, how many of us were super-excited about opening number Our House by Flo'Rida?) And, ummm...that's pretty much it. You have your favorite Disney Channel stars like Dove Cameron and Ryan McCartan...stand there and spend ten seconds introducing the next act (Hailee Steinfeld and a medley of her best hits). Or randomly having Allyson Stoner - an actress who doesn't have a job with the network anymore as far as I'm aware given Phineas and Ferb's finale (and they have to go back to mention Camp Rock as her most prominent Disney Channel role) accompanied by Mark Friggin' Cuban for some bizarre reason (Disney/ABC sure loves kissing up to him for some unfathomable reason - perhaps because for some equally unfathomable reason Shark Tank actually happens to be one of their few successful shows that isn't Shondaland or Modern Family. Seriously I saw a few episodes of Shark Tank and my reaction still remains this is somehow considered valid entertainment?) Oh, and Mark sure loves emphasizing how he owns the Dallas Mavericks!
The only thing even remotely on the level of the KCAs is how they had Mark and Allyson introduce the category Best Fans - and when I was hoping, hey cool, maybe they had a special fan picked out somewhere, maybe this special boy or girl sent in some audition tape or something - but nope, they're going by the broadest of all generalities. The "nominees" are Beliebers (a fandom I was pretty sure was damn near extinct by this point), Directioners (again, a fandom that has pretty much imploded since Zayn left and has slowly been rebuilding), Harmonizers and Swifties - and except for Fifth Harmony and evergreen TayTay, these are all things that strongly indicate Disney, Disney Channel, Radio Disney and the RDMAs really being stuck in a 2013-14 pop culture mentality at best (BTW Harmonizers won and given that I think Camila, Dinah Jane, Ally, Normani and Lauren are collectively the hottest women on Earth and possibly all of history I'm not complaining - but it's still odd for an artist or artist group to go up stage and accept an award explicitly and specifically meant to be awarded to their fandom). You can even tell it's difficult for Dinah Jane to resolve in her very acceptance speech that this is an award for Fifth Harmony and...wait, it's really an award for the fans? But for us too?
It's not an odd category in the slightest - in fact it's a brilliant idea, it's just boggled up so impressively ineptly. What should be an opportunity to pluck a luck fan and bring her or him right onto the RDMA stage is instead just another opportunity for an artist or artist group to yet again inflate an award count, and on something so almost impossibly intangible to boot.
They also had Rachel Platten introduce a segment about endangered funding for children's arts programs, particularly music programs, and the Give a Note Foundation helping to correct this through outside monetary sources - and about how the foundation has given the task of surprising students at school about the program and its funds to Justin Bieber. Again, this is very 2013-14 thinking (really 2012-13 with Bieber). Rachel Platten herself would've been a much better choice, as is any given member of 5H if not the whole group, or Meghan Trainor, or hell Disney Channel's own Sofia Carson or Sabrina Carpenter. Trust me, Sabrina Carpenter resonates much better with middle and younger high school students than Justin Bieber, whose biggest fanbase is now aging into college or even graduate school at this point (if they're even still fans) and his career arguably being a shadow of what it once was, even if it's on another upswing (and let's face it it's mostly for Love Yourself which I'll admit is a really catchy tune). I mean, seriously, having Rachel Platten go to these schools herself is such a no-brainer. Why is Disney Channel so attached to Justin Bieber? His connection with Selena was severed long ago. Selena's connection with Disney was severed long ago at this point. There are much fresher artists out there that resonate more with the kids these days. Many of these artists were at this awards show. Many of these artists are Disney Channel employees.
Of course that's going to be sprinkled throughout the show in rather annoying fashion (again, the KCAs would've just lumped this into a single segment). Really, the only other thing that really tries to stand out at the level of the KCAs are the segments right before and right after a commercial break - what's commonly known in the industry as "bumper segments" - where often times they try to cram in "interesting" content to make sure you'll pay attention at least during the first commercial and hopefully pay attention throughout so you won't miss the return bumper (as is what they're doing here) - but also often other times just cram in disposable content to serve as nothing more but a signal that the commercial break is approaching, that this is where you get your fast forward buttons ready. Consequently, a lot of people (both viewers and marketing and advertising execs that run both the advertisement airwaves and, consequently and ultimately, the Nielsen Corp.) also treat it as disposable. And in all honesty - yeah, the content the RDMAs is shoving here is pretty damn disposable. Like they have Pete Wentz and Andy Hurley of Fall Out Boy have a little segment before the awards they're nominated for (and yes, as in the Pete Wentz who is also playing himself as a minor recurring character on arch-rival Nick's School of Rock) where they ask him what Ardy (the name for the Mickey Mouse guy in the RDMA statue) is listening to, and Pete Wentz guesses it's a podcast, and all I have to say is Debby did it better.
Or Mark Cuban pretending to be excited about Ariana Grande.
Oh, and they make a big deal of the RDMAs being "hosted" by Shadowhunters stars Katherine McNamara (who, yeah, given she's a redhead I have to admit a strong liking to her and hey she graduated from Drexel University at the age of 17) and Emeraude Toubia (yeah I have an easier time pronouncing and spelling Troian Bellisario) and here we are at the 30 minute mark and both of those two actresses have appeared on the RDMAs so far for a total of less than five seconds as we get just their headshots of them sitting in the audience. In fact at this point it's Jordan Fisher of Teen Beach and Liv and Maddie fame and Sonika Vaid of American Idol hosting, and while they may have been mentioned as being a part of the RDMAs you'd naturally think they'd be both up as nominees given that they're both strongly known for being recording artists (and since I already admitted my liking for KatMac I might as well further admit that Sonika is ridiculously pretty too). BTW they're introducing Freshest New Artist which Kelsei Ballerini won. Oh, and some random guy in a suit shows up right behind Jordan when Kelsei's already making her acceptance speech, makes me wonder if like some sort of threat notice came from nowhere. And then right as soon as Kelsei's done they have Dan + Shay, and again, you're going to assume oh they're nominees but nope they're hosting and introducing again (not an award, Ariana Grande's Dangerous Woman if you're wondering). The actual "hosts" advertised for the awards ceremony are still just watching from the seats like everyone else. I guess it's a minor thing to nitpick, even if all, but again, it just seems so bizarre. Everything about the RDMAs seems so bizarrely and poorly organized and conceived compared to the KCAs, even the laziest of KCAs.
I have to admit though, even sitting here with the weather warm enough to keep the windows open, that fur coat Ari's wearing looks really damn comfy.
You can read the watermark to figure out where this image is from!
In fact the whole champagne-colored, sparkly-theme contrast with the dark yet sharp colors just makes the whole performance feel very comfy which...I don't know if that's the actual effect they're going for.
Anyway, blah blah blah commercial break blah blah blah a commercial for Captain America: Civil War after the actual commercial break. Then Skai Jackson (who has to be one of the youngest to be a presenter at these things) and Zack Lavine (if you don't know who he is Google it) introduce introduce the Heroes for Change award and Thank God this one actually features young people actually doing things, not the complete and total BS awarding "hero" awards to friggin' Shakira (and Gwen Stefani for this year). And at least they were nice enough to let the kids introduce the next act by Jordan Smith. Oh and speaking of Gwen Stefani winning her whatever for change award, yeah, they really don't explain what it is that makes Gwen Stefani more of someone who's been changing the world for good than any other celebrity or recording artist (like, say, literally everybody else that has been on this awards show so far, and especially to say nothing of Rachel Platten whose song have actually managed to, you know, inspire people). I really don't get what the point of this is, to just give yet even more fawning over not only celebs, but specifically huge-name celebs like Shakira and Gwen Stefani, for giving back to their communities in ways they don't even really tell us about and are super-vague about. That's another clear thing where Nickelodeon has a distinctive advantage over Disney Channel - they've got the HALO Awards which actually recognizes actual teens doing actual things. And yes, the RDMAs did just get done doing that too, but it just seems bizarre if not outright insulting to have these teens (and pre-pre-teen on one case) be recognized and then shove them off so the RDMAs can go, ok, let's all recognize Gwen Stefani for being a hero for, uh, something.
There's another commercial break and then oh hey remember Ashley Tisdale? Pepperidge Farm remembers, or something. She introduces Sabrina Carpenter, Sofia Carson and Laura Marano in "three of your favorite Disney Channel stars brought together in a way only Disney Channel can," except they're not really together they're just three separate performances just without any interruption in between (except there's actually a pretty clear pause between Laura's and Sofia's performances) and wow that thing Laura is wearing looks kitschy as hell.
It's like the Austin & Ally writers are in charge of her wardrobe now.
And no, your eyes don't deceive you. Those are glowing LEDs on there. Strategically placed glowing LEDs.
Oh hey, remember that they were supposed to be doing something with the Biebs and some high school's music program? Yeah I already forgot about that too. Justin walks into this music class while they're in the middle of a lesson, talks about how their music program is having trouble and apparently the solution to their funding woes is to play "Love Yourself." Yes, I know the program that arranged for it (I already forgot what it is and I'm too lazy to scroll up) will provide actual money but it just seems kind of odd - well, ok, granted the students appreciate it but standing in the middle of class and playing "Love Yourself" isn't going to make money magically appear.
...at this point the whole damn "review" is just going to be a summary of all of the presenters that are left, and since this review is already in desperate need of some editorial shrinkage I'm just going to shove them over into "Stray Observations" AV Club/Mike-style for those of you genuinely curious. So let's just fast-forward straight to the very last award where finally we have KatMac and...Enuaaaaah What's Her Face, I'm sorry. It literally took me weeks - and a pronunciation/spelling guide that I found on a super-fan's YouTube account - just to be able to say and spell Troian Bellisario. Enuaude...yeah, it's hopeless right now. You know who I mean and deepest apologies for...sigh, What's Your Face. Anyway for all the hype they received for the promos for the RDMAs here they are in very quite literally the last five minutes of the whole damn show, just before DNCE's big finale number. It's...exactly as standard as all the other presenters aside from Laura and Vanessa's transparent attempt at "sibling rivalry" and the Andy Hurley vs. Animal drum solo battle. They're presenting Best Music Group and its won by Fifth Harmony (their first and only legitimate award of the show - I'm sorry, but it's still just cheesy to accept an award for your fandom) and other than having no less than seven extremely and ridiculously beautiful and gorgeous women on stage at the same time it's...exactly as no less or more remarkable than almost all the other award presentations (again, excepting the Andy Hurley vs. Animal drum battle which is the absolute closest this thing ever came to capturing the same spectacle at the KCAs).
And we have our very last thing, the child cast of Black'ish introducing DNCE for the show's closeout performance of Cake by the Ocean which is exactly how the KCAs closed out this year. Yes, it's one thing to try to be like the KCAs, it's another thing to just freakin' copy them. And yes, I know DNCE is a hot act right now and Cake by the Ocean is a hot song right now (actually, I would personally vote both DNCE as new artist group of the year and CbtO as best new song of the year, believe it or not) so the chances of "convergence of coincidental similarities" is going to be exceedingly high, if not obligatory. The only difference is that at the RDMAs Joe Jonas sung in front of a large screen projection with a bunch of colored blocks going just up and down making for both a very weird and very boring game of Tetris, until it just freezes at the end so you can't tell if that's intentional or a legitimate computer bug, and at the KCAs Joe Jonas sung on top of a giant cake, considering this is a cake-themed song, with dancers hanging from the friggin' air.
And that's really what it boils down to. For all its self-congratulatory jerking around and its blatant commercialism, the KCAs at least have to be respected as fun entertainment and something worth looking forward to. It's very legitimately an event in of itself, with unique features to offer for Nickelodeon fans and just fans of kidcoms or youth-oriented entertainment in general (hopefully I didn't just imply that myself being way aged out of that demo is creepy for liking this). You not only get to see your favorite stars, but they network actually throws them into fun and entertaining situations. It really does end up being an episode of a show itself.
The RDMAs on the other hand, well...they really are geared towards the super-fans. And not necessarily the super-fans of the network, but of whatever artist or actor you happen to like. You tune in to see him or her, see if they win (or cheat by checking out social media) and then you can just tune out. Yes, it's got entertaining performances, but I wouldn't blame you if you just decide seeing the Vevo upload of the original music video on YouTube is the exact same experience. Other than that...it's every bit as, well, boring as the Oscars (I seriously don't get Oscar buzz, I'd much rather just wait for all of the winners to be immediately spoon-fed to me on the morning talk shows. I don't have time to spend, what, two, three hours doing nothing more but watching a bunch of names being announced and a bunch of tributes that I can either watch later or quite frankly just don't care about).
Given that this is an awards show, and that unlike the KCAs it's playing the whole awards show angle very, very straight, it's kind of hard to grade on any sort of semblance of fairness. Given that, I've said my piece on the RDMAs vs. the KCAs, I'll see if I can get Mike to chime in, and you can read about other miscellaneous observations and if you're curious about all the other presentations, performances and awards below.
But I guess I can still give an MVP?
Awards MVP: Believe it or not Ariana Grande because I liked how cozy her performance was. Maybe even Gwen Stefani as a runner-up.
Stray Observations
- some things I didn't think were important enough to mention in the main body, which was already in desperate need of a trim and shrinkage - two artists (it's not that I don't know who they are it's just that I forgot who they were, I remember one of them is actually someone I follow on Twitter) introduced the Radio Disney Country Music Awards (yes Radio Disney has a separate country music station now) and Maddie and Tae won both best Country Music Artist and Best Country Music Song, and Ashley Benson introduced the final Justin Bieber thing if you're also curious about that (and I'm sorry but she was really looking like that spotlight was really shining right in her eye, or something). Also some actresses from Nashville were with some girl who won some "Be a Star" contest from that Star Stable thing introduced a Kelsei Ballerini/Daya mashup. Yeah, that happened - but it was a lot nicer than what I feared it would be, and a lot closer to what I thought the Sabs/Sofia/Laura thing was gonna be. Also I guess Star Stable can't be that bad if it features a secret UFO crash site.Also, there are now two artists (Kelsei Ballerini and Ruth B) who have songs about Peter Pan out at the same time.
- Forever in Your Mind (you know, that group that includes Naldo from Best Friends Whenever) introduced Best Female Artist and Selena Gomez won (she couldn't come in person because of her tour so she submitted a video acceptance speech instead. Also she's friggin' holding her Ardy in the acceptance video so it's pretty obvious they knew about this waaaaay ahead of time).
- Cameron Boyce and "Latin YouTube Pop Sensation" Sofia Reyes introduced Zara Larsson. And, ah hell, if it's not too sexist to admit Zara Larsson is a hottie.
- Ben Savage "repped for the dads" and introduced "RDMA additional winners" (yes that's seriously the category, the official "we're not even trying anymore let's wrap it up" category) and there's only one way to describe Ben's introduction:
- As for the "RDMA additional winners" themselves (basically everybody who won the most popular votes for whatever categories online, as described by Ben up there) they include Tori Kelly for Breakout Artist of the Year, Taylor Swift for Bestest Song of the year in the form of Bad Blood (a very odd choice actually considering, well, it's so 2015 and TayTay's come out with a whole bunch new songs for, you know, this actual year); Justin Bieber for Best Lip Sync Song in What Do You Mean?; Becky G for Artist With Best Style; One Direction for Best Crush Song in Perfect; Meghan Trainor for Song that Makes you Happy in Better When I'm Dancing (presented by Goldfish!) "and for a full list of winners go to the RDMA website!" Ok....
- Oh God they actually called Alli Simpson an "Australian Social Media Influencer." If you want to know what a "Social Media Influencer" is read this, this or if you happen to side with Hulk Hogan and Peter Thiel against Gawker and aren't too butthurt about MTV no longer having anything to do with music videos, this. (Alli Simpson is also a radio host for Radio Disney itself, so it's rather odd they don't introduce her as such and instead go with...this). Anyway she's introducing the third and final segment of Justin Bieber going into this school and standing around and playing acoustic versions of his hits, and they try to have one of the girls in the music class try to perform a solo for him. But she gets so choked up about being in the Bieb's presence, and to tell you the truth, it just can't help but be absolutely adorable, especially when Biebs gives her a hug and tries to help her out. Biebs then announces that Radio Disney and the music program thingie they teamed up with will donate $10,000 to the music program - granted, that's enough to keep the program running (for maybe an academic year? A few months?) but it's a drop in the bucket over what's needed long-term. If everybody in the country donated a dime, a shiny-headed Roosevelt, that would be well over $300,000 to put into a music program - potentially enough to keep said program running for all four years of a student's high school experience, or much, much more (I'll admit I have no idea how expensive a typical high school music program is). If everybody in the country just donated a single, solitary dollar, that would be enough to virtually keep any given school music program running indefinitely (or alternatively, build a small-scale school district in its entirety).
- Ok we finally have Pete Wentz and Andy Hurley presenting and as soon as Pete talks about Andy being the greatest drummer in the world we have this segment with Animal from The Muppets interrupting. BTW, ABC's The Muppets has been canceled, and the world and even franchise itself is better for it. The greatest contribution that show actually gave to the world? It's right here, playing out right now at the RDMAs with a promised drum solo battle between Animal and Andy Hurley - but not before Pete finishes introducing Best "Anthem" Song which is won by Sabs for Eyes Wide Open (admittedly one of the best songs she's done so far). The Andy Hurley/Animal drum solo battle (or "Man Vs. Animal" battle, haha) had some stuff going for it - it was kind of-sort of Guitar Hero-ish, or at least as far as they can make it on this stage, and hey I like the "Man vs. Animal" font. And yeah, I know being a Muppet they probably have the drum solo version of lip syncing to pass for Animal, but hey it's still an impressive drum solo (and really is it any more "fake" than at least some of the performances Disney Channel has pulled in the past, if not at these very RDMAs?) Pete declares the drum battle a tie despite Animal literally smoking himself out. Sabrina actually seems shocked to be sharing the stage with a smoking Muppet.
- Laura and Vanessa Marano present together introducing "RDMA Hero Award Recipient" Gwen Stefani. They have this sisterly faux-bicker fight before pulling the opps the whole country is watching us including our mom! trope thing over who's actually going to introduce Gwen. At the very least someone managed to get Laura out of that...whatever the hell she was wearing for her "Boombox" performance. Gwen Stefani's actual performance was...kind of weird, with a bunch of random skaters on the stage (which I guess isn't all that weird anymore) and...a bunch of Gwen Stefani heads randomly flying in a tunnel on the big-screen projection. Yeah that's legit creepy, yo. The song itself, I really like - for all my bitchin' and gripin' about why Gwen Stefani just randomly got this Hero award (oh, and it's something that they've loudly advertised well in advance of the awards so itself so it's not like there's even any suspense there) I've been a big fan of both Stefani and No Doubt since back when No Doubt was first blowing up on the charts (man I'm old) although I'm really, really not too fond of when the band just freshly broke up and Stefani was really trying to figure out what her style and genre should be as a solo act (I for one am glad B-A-N-A-N-A-S and Hollaback Girl are all but completely forgotten).
- What me whip/Watch me Ne-ne has to be the absolute worst song of 2015-16 and a legitimate bane against humanity.
- Becky G's dropping the code word for the Radio Disney contest, uh, thingie (the contest likely has to be long-over by now) and the codeword for the Play It Forward sweepstakes is...play. Real creative there, but then again I suppose that's the point.
- Yes, they replaced Cake by the Ocean's "hot damn" with "oh man." Honestly, the change makes zero creative/artistic change whatsoever.
What is it? The Disney Channel awards presentation show, and the only serious and true competition to the KCAs. Unlike the KCAs however it is not a live event as discussed in detail below.
Where did it air? Well it's the Radio Disney Music Awards so it might have aired on some sort of Disney-owned Channel....
Who stars in it? There are multiple presenters and multiple awards recipients so it's all over the place to the point where it's not even worth contemplating lest you explode your brain. The most heavily advertised and promoted presenters were Katherine McNamara and...I don't even know enough of her name to even look it up, but it doesn't matter because both of them ended up being on the show for literally less than five minutes, what a ripoff.
Why did we review it? Because it's the only thing Disney Channel has ever had that's even remotely close to the KCAs.
So I have to address one thing straight away - yeah, this is almost a whole solid month after the RDMAs premiered - which was back on May 1, and this is already May 28, Memorial Day Weekend. Back when the RDMAs premiered it was actually snowing (at least where I live - yeah I more than kind of want to move to where it's actually warm) and just this morning the neighborhood swimming pool just opened for the first time this season. Part of it's laziness, part of it's things come up and again part of it is that I'm just now finally catching up to not being sick anymore (that whole trilogy review special with Undateabale-Crowded-Grandfathered? That was supposed to happen before the KCAs even. It was supposed to happen the same week as the Mysteries of Laura reviewed to form an actual quartet, not have this one thing over here and then a few months later we get these three reviews and then all of a sudden Criminal Minds Beyond Friggin' Borders thrown in too. Hell there's a lot of stuff actually relevant to the title of this blog you see every time you open it up that we still need to catch up on - more Stuck in the Middle, Backstage, Mako Mermaids, School of Rock, The Loud House, stuff Mike wants to do...yeah it's been piling up.)
Anyway let's pretend it's still May 1 and instead of rushing to the pool and waiting for it to open we're staring out our window and going yup, I wished we lived in a warmer place.
Now there are awards given to kidcoms and kid-dramas at the "big adult shows" like the Daytime TV Awards and the Emmys and etc., but the KCAs and the RDMAs are kind of seen as the real battleground for which kidcoms and the small handful of kid-dramas fight for recognition. At least in the eyes of the demos they fight for - really, the KCAs and RDMAs really don't strike me as having any real legitimacy with the "adults" that people (whether they be actors, producers, writers, reviewers, what have you) have to go to in turn beg for legitimacy in their craft. And both Nickelodeon and Disney Channel are just fine with that - they're spectacles first and foremost to just keep getting that demo glued to the TV sets, or even more importantly get them hyped for Nickelodeon and Disney Channel-owned properties. Nowhere is this any more blatant than the KCAs, which is nothing more but a two-hour commercial for Nickelodeon shows and movies that Nickelodeon itself either sponsors/produces or in turn have sponsored the KCAs for further exposure and showering Nick's parent company CBS-Viacom for dollars - the sequel to TMNT (I don't know if it's TMNT 2, or 6, or even 5 which is what the stylized TMNT logo itself seems to be suggesting, conveniently forgetting there was a CGI-only movie, although it seems the whole world has forgotten about that anyway) of course being Nick's own property (fun fact: Nick owns TMNT "in perpetuity" along with Power Rangers) of which you can tell by having an admittedly kinda-cool action scene in the middle of their awards show. Of course, on the flip side you have the whole intro action sequence featuring Star Wars, fully owned by Nickelodeon's arch-rival Disney and featuring for the first time in KCA history the KCA's host killing a guy (or woman, which I suppose is within the theoretical now but yeah we all know it's supposed to be a guy in that suit, nor does it take away from the fact that Blake Shelton killed a guy as part of his KCA hosting duties). Of course that happened because Disney is all too happy to dump a bunch of money right at the feet of their own arch-rivals if it means another opportunity to remind the audience of this franchise that literally everybody in the entire world has seen a dozen times over and went online and bought the BB-8 remote control toy which will literally be the only time in their lives they shop from Sharper Image or Sky Mall.
But for all the blatant commercialism, to the point where it's obvious even to the youngest, most naive viewer that they're watching a two-hour commercial for the very network that's hosting it, for all of Blake Shelton killing a guy, you can't deny the KCA's have panache. It's the one thing they're really known for, it's the one thing they're really good at, it's the one thing that makes the KCAs otherwise stand out and even make dignified actors and actresses with a boatload of awards big enough they can actually go out and buy a boat like Emma Stone and Robert Downey Jr. revert to their tween and teenaged selves and let their inner child completely take over and realize that there's something about this carefree nostalgia where, yeah, being a teen isn't a cakewalk but there's a ton of fun about being a kid too. Mike especially, and I a little bit, talked about the KCA's glory days when we reviewed the '16 model. In fact I really should bug Mike to do a full-blown essay about it. Yeah, sure, the '16 awards may have phoned it in but the KCAs were such a massive spectacle to begin with even phoning it in means bringing something worthwhile to the table if you want to pretend to have any sort of street cred with the demo at all. Yeah, the execs may have a poor opinion about kids, even teen kids and young people in general, and their naivete (I've read some blind items about some ABC/Disney execs meeting with Shay Mitchell and Troian Bellisario and basically asking them why aren't they with their parents, particularly Troian's well-established dad, and both of these women are 30 years old - and yeah I should stop randomly name-dropping Troian before it becomes a problem and Patrick J. Adams puts his boot up my ass) but they still realize if you don't bring the slime, you're wasting our time. We got a bunch of slime being shot everywhere. We got, um, some sort of lame slime booth thing that was even lamer than last year's "slime car wash" (remember '13's freakin' slime rodeo?) Weren't we promised some sort of slime drone or something? Well at least we got some Super Mario Bros. thingie with the Game Shakers cast. We got a pretty cool DNCE performance that puts Katy Perry and her left shark to shame (note to self: stop name-dropping Troian Bellisario and stop referencing dank memes). We got a pretty cool live-performance commercial for TMNT Whatever Number It Is Now. We got Blake Shelton killing a guy. My point is, the Nick execs know that they need to put on a show, that the KCAs themselves legitimately constitute a show within itself. It's entertaining to watch even if you don't care about the awards given out, or to whom they're given out. And that phoning it in or not, this is an art they've perfected since well before either Mike or I could even comprehend the visuals and the information going on, particularly in Mike's case since it predates him even being born. The KCAs, for that matter, predate most of its very own live audience and award recipients being born, even the older teens. It predates KCA winners Taylor Swift and Emma Stone being born.
Then you have the Radio Disney Music Awards and even if it tried it can't be much more of such a stark study in contrast. Let's start with how long they've been going at it - the RDMAs were officially established with the 2013 awards - yes, that's right, the RDMAs are barely older than Girl Meets World. It's only six months older than Sabrina Carpenter's entire career on Disney Channel given that she was in that one episode of Austin & Ally - actually, by technicality Sabrina Carpenter's Disney Channel career is actually older as they would've filmed the episode back in February. This is only the fourth RDMA Awards Show period. And unless you were watching the RDMAs on Watch Disney Channel back in '13 (and by that, they had a smattering of performances from the show made available on the app) or you were there as part of the live audience you'd have no idea what was actually going on as they never even bothered to televise it. I simply can't comprehend how bizarre that is, especially given how massively hyped it was on Disney Channel itself. So this makes it only the third RDMA awards show ever to be actually televised.
And then we have the fundamental difference in how they're even televised. Nickelodeon famously televises the KCAs live, and with no tape delay given that it's produced on the West Coast through a single feed (though I doubt they'd resort to NBC's insanity and do the whole thing over again regardless). So what you see at the KCAs, even on television, is happening "raw" although there are indeed mechanisms in place so that Nick can cut to a different camera and/or host if something upsetting happens (usually upsetting to the wallets of the sponsors or Nick itself). Nick even goes so far as to have a "pre-launch" show that's also live. Perhaps it's a sign of Disney's infamous controlling reputation but the RDMAs are actually filmed the day before - the preceding Saturday, April 30 - and then aired the next day through massive tape delay (at that point becoming no different than a scripted episode already in the can). I remember either last year or the first televised airing they tried a pre-launch show (and trust me, every time I watch I get jealous of how they get to feel comfortable in short-sleeves and v-necks without any coats that time of year) but this year other than reading about the coverage on Just Jared Jr. or Twist Magazine, I don't remember any pre-launch events televised. I certainly would've spotted it on the channel guide and recorded it on my DVR. Maybe it's a minor gripe, but it does feel like it takes away a lot of the "oomph" and even the specialness when you know everything's been pre-recorded, especially given that the KCAs are live. You'll note we covered the KCAs as they aired (or tried to, given how I was sick already back then). With the RDMAs, a lot of the enthusiasm to cover the events as they're televised just evaporated. Most people who care hit the 'net and read about the results and the winners from the RDMA's own website (or most likely from the social media of the nominees they actually care about) right after the actual event back on April 30, or even as it was happening (again, this whole social media thing that apparently Disney Channel doesn't quite understand yet).
And there's comparing the events themselves. Again, the KCAs are a legit spectacle in their own right, even if it's still just a two-hour, live-performance commercial. You're going to get a guarantee that slime will be involved. The RDMAs are...a lot less imaginative. Since the RDMAs are strictly a music awards show and no TV series have anything at stake to claim, the focus is on music which means...a lot of live music performances. Some you'll be really enthusiastic about because they're artists you care about. Some...not so much (seriously, how many of us were super-excited about opening number Our House by Flo'Rida?) And, ummm...that's pretty much it. You have your favorite Disney Channel stars like Dove Cameron and Ryan McCartan...stand there and spend ten seconds introducing the next act (Hailee Steinfeld and a medley of her best hits). Or randomly having Allyson Stoner - an actress who doesn't have a job with the network anymore as far as I'm aware given Phineas and Ferb's finale (and they have to go back to mention Camp Rock as her most prominent Disney Channel role) accompanied by Mark Friggin' Cuban for some bizarre reason (Disney/ABC sure loves kissing up to him for some unfathomable reason - perhaps because for some equally unfathomable reason Shark Tank actually happens to be one of their few successful shows that isn't Shondaland or Modern Family. Seriously I saw a few episodes of Shark Tank and my reaction still remains this is somehow considered valid entertainment?) Oh, and Mark sure loves emphasizing how he owns the Dallas Mavericks!
The only thing even remotely on the level of the KCAs is how they had Mark and Allyson introduce the category Best Fans - and when I was hoping, hey cool, maybe they had a special fan picked out somewhere, maybe this special boy or girl sent in some audition tape or something - but nope, they're going by the broadest of all generalities. The "nominees" are Beliebers (a fandom I was pretty sure was damn near extinct by this point), Directioners (again, a fandom that has pretty much imploded since Zayn left and has slowly been rebuilding), Harmonizers and Swifties - and except for Fifth Harmony and evergreen TayTay, these are all things that strongly indicate Disney, Disney Channel, Radio Disney and the RDMAs really being stuck in a 2013-14 pop culture mentality at best (BTW Harmonizers won and given that I think Camila, Dinah Jane, Ally, Normani and Lauren are collectively the hottest women on Earth and possibly all of history I'm not complaining - but it's still odd for an artist or artist group to go up stage and accept an award explicitly and specifically meant to be awarded to their fandom). You can even tell it's difficult for Dinah Jane to resolve in her very acceptance speech that this is an award for Fifth Harmony and...wait, it's really an award for the fans? But for us too?
It's not an odd category in the slightest - in fact it's a brilliant idea, it's just boggled up so impressively ineptly. What should be an opportunity to pluck a luck fan and bring her or him right onto the RDMA stage is instead just another opportunity for an artist or artist group to yet again inflate an award count, and on something so almost impossibly intangible to boot.
They also had Rachel Platten introduce a segment about endangered funding for children's arts programs, particularly music programs, and the Give a Note Foundation helping to correct this through outside monetary sources - and about how the foundation has given the task of surprising students at school about the program and its funds to Justin Bieber. Again, this is very 2013-14 thinking (really 2012-13 with Bieber). Rachel Platten herself would've been a much better choice, as is any given member of 5H if not the whole group, or Meghan Trainor, or hell Disney Channel's own Sofia Carson or Sabrina Carpenter. Trust me, Sabrina Carpenter resonates much better with middle and younger high school students than Justin Bieber, whose biggest fanbase is now aging into college or even graduate school at this point (if they're even still fans) and his career arguably being a shadow of what it once was, even if it's on another upswing (and let's face it it's mostly for Love Yourself which I'll admit is a really catchy tune). I mean, seriously, having Rachel Platten go to these schools herself is such a no-brainer. Why is Disney Channel so attached to Justin Bieber? His connection with Selena was severed long ago. Selena's connection with Disney was severed long ago at this point. There are much fresher artists out there that resonate more with the kids these days. Many of these artists were at this awards show. Many of these artists are Disney Channel employees.
Of course that's going to be sprinkled throughout the show in rather annoying fashion (again, the KCAs would've just lumped this into a single segment). Really, the only other thing that really tries to stand out at the level of the KCAs are the segments right before and right after a commercial break - what's commonly known in the industry as "bumper segments" - where often times they try to cram in "interesting" content to make sure you'll pay attention at least during the first commercial and hopefully pay attention throughout so you won't miss the return bumper (as is what they're doing here) - but also often other times just cram in disposable content to serve as nothing more but a signal that the commercial break is approaching, that this is where you get your fast forward buttons ready. Consequently, a lot of people (both viewers and marketing and advertising execs that run both the advertisement airwaves and, consequently and ultimately, the Nielsen Corp.) also treat it as disposable. And in all honesty - yeah, the content the RDMAs is shoving here is pretty damn disposable. Like they have Pete Wentz and Andy Hurley of Fall Out Boy have a little segment before the awards they're nominated for (and yes, as in the Pete Wentz who is also playing himself as a minor recurring character on arch-rival Nick's School of Rock) where they ask him what Ardy (the name for the Mickey Mouse guy in the RDMA statue) is listening to, and Pete Wentz guesses it's a podcast, and all I have to say is Debby did it better.
Or Mark Cuban pretending to be excited about Ariana Grande.
Oh, and they make a big deal of the RDMAs being "hosted" by Shadowhunters stars Katherine McNamara (who, yeah, given she's a redhead I have to admit a strong liking to her and hey she graduated from Drexel University at the age of 17) and Emeraude Toubia (yeah I have an easier time pronouncing and spelling Troian Bellisario) and here we are at the 30 minute mark and both of those two actresses have appeared on the RDMAs so far for a total of less than five seconds as we get just their headshots of them sitting in the audience. In fact at this point it's Jordan Fisher of Teen Beach and Liv and Maddie fame and Sonika Vaid of American Idol hosting, and while they may have been mentioned as being a part of the RDMAs you'd naturally think they'd be both up as nominees given that they're both strongly known for being recording artists (and since I already admitted my liking for KatMac I might as well further admit that Sonika is ridiculously pretty too). BTW they're introducing Freshest New Artist which Kelsei Ballerini won. Oh, and some random guy in a suit shows up right behind Jordan when Kelsei's already making her acceptance speech, makes me wonder if like some sort of threat notice came from nowhere. And then right as soon as Kelsei's done they have Dan + Shay, and again, you're going to assume oh they're nominees but nope they're hosting and introducing again (not an award, Ariana Grande's Dangerous Woman if you're wondering). The actual "hosts" advertised for the awards ceremony are still just watching from the seats like everyone else. I guess it's a minor thing to nitpick, even if all, but again, it just seems so bizarre. Everything about the RDMAs seems so bizarrely and poorly organized and conceived compared to the KCAs, even the laziest of KCAs.
I have to admit though, even sitting here with the weather warm enough to keep the windows open, that fur coat Ari's wearing looks really damn comfy.
In fact the whole champagne-colored, sparkly-theme contrast with the dark yet sharp colors just makes the whole performance feel very comfy which...I don't know if that's the actual effect they're going for.
Anyway, blah blah blah commercial break blah blah blah a commercial for Captain America: Civil War after the actual commercial break. Then Skai Jackson (who has to be one of the youngest to be a presenter at these things) and Zack Lavine (if you don't know who he is Google it) introduce introduce the Heroes for Change award and Thank God this one actually features young people actually doing things, not the complete and total BS awarding "hero" awards to friggin' Shakira (and Gwen Stefani for this year). And at least they were nice enough to let the kids introduce the next act by Jordan Smith. Oh and speaking of Gwen Stefani winning her whatever for change award, yeah, they really don't explain what it is that makes Gwen Stefani more of someone who's been changing the world for good than any other celebrity or recording artist (like, say, literally everybody else that has been on this awards show so far, and especially to say nothing of Rachel Platten whose song have actually managed to, you know, inspire people). I really don't get what the point of this is, to just give yet even more fawning over not only celebs, but specifically huge-name celebs like Shakira and Gwen Stefani, for giving back to their communities in ways they don't even really tell us about and are super-vague about. That's another clear thing where Nickelodeon has a distinctive advantage over Disney Channel - they've got the HALO Awards which actually recognizes actual teens doing actual things. And yes, the RDMAs did just get done doing that too, but it just seems bizarre if not outright insulting to have these teens (and pre-pre-teen on one case) be recognized and then shove them off so the RDMAs can go, ok, let's all recognize Gwen Stefani for being a hero for, uh, something.
There's another commercial break and then oh hey remember Ashley Tisdale? Pepperidge Farm remembers, or something. She introduces Sabrina Carpenter, Sofia Carson and Laura Marano in "three of your favorite Disney Channel stars brought together in a way only Disney Channel can," except they're not really together they're just three separate performances just without any interruption in between (except there's actually a pretty clear pause between Laura's and Sofia's performances) and wow that thing Laura is wearing looks kitschy as hell.
It's like the Austin & Ally writers are in charge of her wardrobe now.
And no, your eyes don't deceive you. Those are glowing LEDs on there. Strategically placed glowing LEDs.
Oh hey, remember that they were supposed to be doing something with the Biebs and some high school's music program? Yeah I already forgot about that too. Justin walks into this music class while they're in the middle of a lesson, talks about how their music program is having trouble and apparently the solution to their funding woes is to play "Love Yourself." Yes, I know the program that arranged for it (I already forgot what it is and I'm too lazy to scroll up) will provide actual money but it just seems kind of odd - well, ok, granted the students appreciate it but standing in the middle of class and playing "Love Yourself" isn't going to make money magically appear.
...at this point the whole damn "review" is just going to be a summary of all of the presenters that are left, and since this review is already in desperate need of some editorial shrinkage I'm just going to shove them over into "Stray Observations" AV Club/Mike-style for those of you genuinely curious. So let's just fast-forward straight to the very last award where finally we have KatMac and...Enuaaaaah What's Her Face, I'm sorry. It literally took me weeks - and a pronunciation/spelling guide that I found on a super-fan's YouTube account - just to be able to say and spell Troian Bellisario. Enuaude...yeah, it's hopeless right now. You know who I mean and deepest apologies for...sigh, What's Your Face. Anyway for all the hype they received for the promos for the RDMAs here they are in very quite literally the last five minutes of the whole damn show, just before DNCE's big finale number. It's...exactly as standard as all the other presenters aside from Laura and Vanessa's transparent attempt at "sibling rivalry" and the Andy Hurley vs. Animal drum solo battle. They're presenting Best Music Group and its won by Fifth Harmony (their first and only legitimate award of the show - I'm sorry, but it's still just cheesy to accept an award for your fandom) and other than having no less than seven extremely and ridiculously beautiful and gorgeous women on stage at the same time it's...exactly as no less or more remarkable than almost all the other award presentations (again, excepting the Andy Hurley vs. Animal drum battle which is the absolute closest this thing ever came to capturing the same spectacle at the KCAs).
And we have our very last thing, the child cast of Black'ish introducing DNCE for the show's closeout performance of Cake by the Ocean which is exactly how the KCAs closed out this year. Yes, it's one thing to try to be like the KCAs, it's another thing to just freakin' copy them. And yes, I know DNCE is a hot act right now and Cake by the Ocean is a hot song right now (actually, I would personally vote both DNCE as new artist group of the year and CbtO as best new song of the year, believe it or not) so the chances of "convergence of coincidental similarities" is going to be exceedingly high, if not obligatory. The only difference is that at the RDMAs Joe Jonas sung in front of a large screen projection with a bunch of colored blocks going just up and down making for both a very weird and very boring game of Tetris, until it just freezes at the end so you can't tell if that's intentional or a legitimate computer bug, and at the KCAs Joe Jonas sung on top of a giant cake, considering this is a cake-themed song, with dancers hanging from the friggin' air.
And that's really what it boils down to. For all its self-congratulatory jerking around and its blatant commercialism, the KCAs at least have to be respected as fun entertainment and something worth looking forward to. It's very legitimately an event in of itself, with unique features to offer for Nickelodeon fans and just fans of kidcoms or youth-oriented entertainment in general (hopefully I didn't just imply that myself being way aged out of that demo is creepy for liking this). You not only get to see your favorite stars, but they network actually throws them into fun and entertaining situations. It really does end up being an episode of a show itself.
The RDMAs on the other hand, well...they really are geared towards the super-fans. And not necessarily the super-fans of the network, but of whatever artist or actor you happen to like. You tune in to see him or her, see if they win (or cheat by checking out social media) and then you can just tune out. Yes, it's got entertaining performances, but I wouldn't blame you if you just decide seeing the Vevo upload of the original music video on YouTube is the exact same experience. Other than that...it's every bit as, well, boring as the Oscars (I seriously don't get Oscar buzz, I'd much rather just wait for all of the winners to be immediately spoon-fed to me on the morning talk shows. I don't have time to spend, what, two, three hours doing nothing more but watching a bunch of names being announced and a bunch of tributes that I can either watch later or quite frankly just don't care about).
Given that this is an awards show, and that unlike the KCAs it's playing the whole awards show angle very, very straight, it's kind of hard to grade on any sort of semblance of fairness. Given that, I've said my piece on the RDMAs vs. the KCAs, I'll see if I can get Mike to chime in, and you can read about other miscellaneous observations and if you're curious about all the other presentations, performances and awards below.
But I guess I can still give an MVP?
Awards MVP: Believe it or not Ariana Grande because I liked how cozy her performance was. Maybe even Gwen Stefani as a runner-up.
Stray Observations
- some things I didn't think were important enough to mention in the main body, which was already in desperate need of a trim and shrinkage - two artists (it's not that I don't know who they are it's just that I forgot who they were, I remember one of them is actually someone I follow on Twitter) introduced the Radio Disney Country Music Awards (yes Radio Disney has a separate country music station now) and Maddie and Tae won both best Country Music Artist and Best Country Music Song, and Ashley Benson introduced the final Justin Bieber thing if you're also curious about that (and I'm sorry but she was really looking like that spotlight was really shining right in her eye, or something). Also some actresses from Nashville were with some girl who won some "Be a Star" contest from that Star Stable thing introduced a Kelsei Ballerini/Daya mashup. Yeah, that happened - but it was a lot nicer than what I feared it would be, and a lot closer to what I thought the Sabs/Sofia/Laura thing was gonna be. Also I guess Star Stable can't be that bad if it features a secret UFO crash site.Also, there are now two artists (Kelsei Ballerini and Ruth B) who have songs about Peter Pan out at the same time.
- Forever in Your Mind (you know, that group that includes Naldo from Best Friends Whenever) introduced Best Female Artist and Selena Gomez won (she couldn't come in person because of her tour so she submitted a video acceptance speech instead. Also she's friggin' holding her Ardy in the acceptance video so it's pretty obvious they knew about this waaaaay ahead of time).
- Cameron Boyce and "Latin YouTube Pop Sensation" Sofia Reyes introduced Zara Larsson. And, ah hell, if it's not too sexist to admit Zara Larsson is a hottie.
- Ben Savage "repped for the dads" and introduced "RDMA additional winners" (yes that's seriously the category, the official "we're not even trying anymore let's wrap it up" category) and there's only one way to describe Ben's introduction:
- As for the "RDMA additional winners" themselves (basically everybody who won the most popular votes for whatever categories online, as described by Ben up there) they include Tori Kelly for Breakout Artist of the Year, Taylor Swift for Bestest Song of the year in the form of Bad Blood (a very odd choice actually considering, well, it's so 2015 and TayTay's come out with a whole bunch new songs for, you know, this actual year); Justin Bieber for Best Lip Sync Song in What Do You Mean?; Becky G for Artist With Best Style; One Direction for Best Crush Song in Perfect; Meghan Trainor for Song that Makes you Happy in Better When I'm Dancing (presented by Goldfish!) "and for a full list of winners go to the RDMA website!" Ok....
- Oh God they actually called Alli Simpson an "Australian Social Media Influencer." If you want to know what a "Social Media Influencer" is read this, this or if you happen to side with Hulk Hogan and Peter Thiel against Gawker and aren't too butthurt about MTV no longer having anything to do with music videos, this. (Alli Simpson is also a radio host for Radio Disney itself, so it's rather odd they don't introduce her as such and instead go with...this). Anyway she's introducing the third and final segment of Justin Bieber going into this school and standing around and playing acoustic versions of his hits, and they try to have one of the girls in the music class try to perform a solo for him. But she gets so choked up about being in the Bieb's presence, and to tell you the truth, it just can't help but be absolutely adorable, especially when Biebs gives her a hug and tries to help her out. Biebs then announces that Radio Disney and the music program thingie they teamed up with will donate $10,000 to the music program - granted, that's enough to keep the program running (for maybe an academic year? A few months?) but it's a drop in the bucket over what's needed long-term. If everybody in the country donated a dime, a shiny-headed Roosevelt, that would be well over $300,000 to put into a music program - potentially enough to keep said program running for all four years of a student's high school experience, or much, much more (I'll admit I have no idea how expensive a typical high school music program is). If everybody in the country just donated a single, solitary dollar, that would be enough to virtually keep any given school music program running indefinitely (or alternatively, build a small-scale school district in its entirety).
- Ok we finally have Pete Wentz and Andy Hurley presenting and as soon as Pete talks about Andy being the greatest drummer in the world we have this segment with Animal from The Muppets interrupting. BTW, ABC's The Muppets has been canceled, and the world and even franchise itself is better for it. The greatest contribution that show actually gave to the world? It's right here, playing out right now at the RDMAs with a promised drum solo battle between Animal and Andy Hurley - but not before Pete finishes introducing Best "Anthem" Song which is won by Sabs for Eyes Wide Open (admittedly one of the best songs she's done so far). The Andy Hurley/Animal drum solo battle (or "Man Vs. Animal" battle, haha) had some stuff going for it - it was kind of-sort of Guitar Hero-ish, or at least as far as they can make it on this stage, and hey I like the "Man vs. Animal" font. And yeah, I know being a Muppet they probably have the drum solo version of lip syncing to pass for Animal, but hey it's still an impressive drum solo (and really is it any more "fake" than at least some of the performances Disney Channel has pulled in the past, if not at these very RDMAs?) Pete declares the drum battle a tie despite Animal literally smoking himself out. Sabrina actually seems shocked to be sharing the stage with a smoking Muppet.
- Laura and Vanessa Marano present together introducing "RDMA Hero Award Recipient" Gwen Stefani. They have this sisterly faux-bicker fight before pulling the opps the whole country is watching us including our mom! trope thing over who's actually going to introduce Gwen. At the very least someone managed to get Laura out of that...whatever the hell she was wearing for her "Boombox" performance. Gwen Stefani's actual performance was...kind of weird, with a bunch of random skaters on the stage (which I guess isn't all that weird anymore) and...a bunch of Gwen Stefani heads randomly flying in a tunnel on the big-screen projection. Yeah that's legit creepy, yo. The song itself, I really like - for all my bitchin' and gripin' about why Gwen Stefani just randomly got this Hero award (oh, and it's something that they've loudly advertised well in advance of the awards so itself so it's not like there's even any suspense there) I've been a big fan of both Stefani and No Doubt since back when No Doubt was first blowing up on the charts (man I'm old) although I'm really, really not too fond of when the band just freshly broke up and Stefani was really trying to figure out what her style and genre should be as a solo act (I for one am glad B-A-N-A-N-A-S and Hollaback Girl are all but completely forgotten).
- What me whip/Watch me Ne-ne has to be the absolute worst song of 2015-16 and a legitimate bane against humanity.
- Becky G's dropping the code word for the Radio Disney contest, uh, thingie (the contest likely has to be long-over by now) and the codeword for the Play It Forward sweepstakes is...play. Real creative there, but then again I suppose that's the point.
- Yes, they replaced Cake by the Ocean's "hot damn" with "oh man." Honestly, the change makes zero creative/artistic change whatsoever.
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