Personal Blog Update #2 now, uh, I guess...the first two days after and how I turned $50 worth of Nerf blasters into $5 worth of Nerf blasters!

So yeah, we're still taking a detour from our regular review schedule to cover, uhh...things.

I promise I'll try not to make this a regular thing but...

So yeah. I didn't get much sleep the night I last posted here. In some ways I feel kinda worse but in other ways I feel...better? I mean, I do feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulder.

I have to admit, for the first time in...well probably forever as far as I'm concerned, I feel a lot less focused externally and a lot less focused on women in particular, whether they be women who feel like they're really men or women in general, and I feel a lot more focused on...myself.

It's nice to really, or at least start, the whole process of not really feeling so compelled to think that I need to attach my own self-worth and self-value to someone else. 

And I've noticed that even my thinking and how I perceive myself has changed. I've...well. I'm gonna stick with the he/him/his pronouns for now but...I've really started thinking of myself as, well, female now. Or at least a visualization of it. 

A big side-effect is that I've been going around feeling kind of numb. I don't really feel like I'm occupying my own body anymore but that I'm remotely controlling it from a location I myself isn't even aware of. It's created some IRL issues. My coordination and self-awareness is all eff'd the hell up now.

That's gonna end up being a problem. In fact it pretty much already has.

And make no mistake, it's going to be years before I feel ready to truly identify as female, if I ever do. There's tons of counseling and medical consultation, not to mention I'll really, really need to move out from my parents first since they're deeply transphobic.

Oh, and I also reacted to this whole issue of trans in...pretty much exactly the way I've always suspected I would.

I pretended that this whole thing wasn't a thing at all and I concentrated on this whole Nerfing thing I suddenly got randomly into.

I was gonna buy $50 worth of Nerf blasters but...eh, the drive was long and it just didn't feel right so I turned around.

And then I ran into a garage sale where a girl was going off to college and was selling her Recon Mk I (pictured) and a Triad.

Pictured: Obligatory Le Jolt Reskin

As it turns out she was the only girl on her block and in order to play with the boys, she got some Nerf blasters. I thought that was a pretty neat story, but either way as you can tell I bought them all the same (along with some darts, natch).

But yeah, I so totally am going to go out all intent to buy $50 worth of blasters and yet only come home with 10% of that value because, being Ray, that's what I do, because....

Anyway I'm going to try to do it over again and yes try to buy $50 worth of Nerf blasters from someone who lives much, much closer. Even $50 is a lot to me when I'm still scheduled to start working soon and probably should be saving up to get a place of my own but...eh. Besides it includes TWO Rotofuries and a HYPERFIRE! That's a way better deal than the other deal I was pursuing! Some of the stuff I might try to recoup through reselling in turn but meh.

...but the larger point I'm trying to get at is that, I think it's probably helpful for me especially right now to have a few hobbies/recreational activities that can distract me away from what I'm relying on for now.

Well as it just so happens to be "what I'm relying on right now" is pretty much what I do for this blog - reading and watching, um, "children's media" (ugh, there's a guy who more or less coined that term in the context I use it and he just gives me the willies). 

I mean it's all well and fine but...I mean, watching TV and especially reading books really isn't all that great of a distraction from this issue. Thinking about other people just...bothers me right now. Especially with all the LGBTQ+ and especially trans fiction that's super-popular in YA right now. You'd think that'd be super-helpful, but especially since most of it seems to focus on FtM for some reason right now...it kinda makes me want to punch people in the face so...maybe another distraction for now.

I guess this one girl who I was crazy obsessed with in high school was right when she said I needed to focus on inanimate things more (BTW she kinda turned out to be meh so no big loss). But yeah, maybe something that brings out the more STEM-focused creative side of me (remember, former aerospace!) rather than story-ish creative things.

Extra Thoughts:

 - in my last post I posted an out-of-date picture of the Northeast Designs Corp Chimera foam dart blaster and that bothers me so I'm gonna post the current, "production" version straight from their Facebook: