We interrupt this Freaky Friday review for something completely different and...very important and personal....

...*le sigh* it's times like this I regret abandoning the veil of anonymity I had....

...I'm not even kidding when I say...this is probably one of the two most difficult posts I've ever bothered to post on this blog, at the very least (and really, out of good taste I won't bring up the subject matter of the other one but...I can talk about that later or link to it in another blog post). I'm struggling to figure out how to say what I want to say and express my feelings not only as unambiguously as possible but to be as respectful as possible, and try to talk about very serious LGBTQ+ issues and identity and really, really hope this doesn't come off the wrong way (worst case scenario: people think I'm transphobic) and...really, really come out (words intended) about my own identity.

Also you're all probably wondering what the actual hell does this have to do with Freaky Friday?

I've been trying to do a number of things to prepare this blog and just...things...that allowed a billion thoughts to leak out of my brain and I'm just scrambling to catch them all and yeah if you're a regular reader of this blog (waves to all two of you!) you'll know that in my case in blog writing, reviews and just things in general failure is generally the go-to. Of course a lot of it's just a delaying tactic because I'm feeling my heart racing from anxiety and feelings and...just...

...well, I'll just get to it.

So you probably got that the picture has something to do with this - this is the character "Kitty" who plays the best friend to the mean girl "Savannah" in Freaky Friday (I'm pretty sure none of this qualifies as spoilers). And I mean...she's freaking gorgeous.

No, really. I've been talking about it to a number of friends on DM (none of whom actually bother to read this blog... ◔_◔ ) and they...don't seem to follow along with me but really I honestly think Kitty might be the most gorgeous woman (or at least fictional character) in network history and I'm like, immediately smitten. She's got all the right curves and a perfect body and exactly the type of dimples Ariana Grande literally has to delude herself into thinking she has which means I guess Gabby DiMartino will be watching this DCOM over and over again very closely to try to match those same dimples too.

I can go on and on like this. But the thing is, "Kitty" is a fiction.

Oh yeah, I know, she's a fictional character. Some of you might think, well, you're smitten with the actual actress then. Well, that's the thing because...if you're going to use gender-based separation between actresses and actors, then Kitty is played by an actor.

A male actor.

"Kitty" as a female is a fiction. She only exists in this movie.

...yeah that came out more confusing than I thought but I think you get the point.

The actor's name used to be Sarah Willey, apparently, but he goes by Percival Marlowe now. I don't care I think she's still damn fucking hot in Freaky Friday and I would so totally tap that...to, um, use that parlance.

But that's not the difficult, deeply personal thing I want to talk about right now. This is a...really coming out moment for me in more ways than one and...it's not just about one thing either. If you only bother to glace over and don't read the whole thing or if I just fail to communicate, you might come under the impression that I'm actually very transphobic.

But the thing is is that...to be deeply truthful here, I am deeply transphobic.

But the whole reason why is because...I am transgender myself.

And this is literally the first time I've said this. I haven't shared this to my parents or any friends or even mental health professionals. I've had internal thoughts, and I'm sharing these words on my blog. I have yet to even utter any actual words admitting this.

But yeah I bet I'm just confusing the shit out of you all, but I wanted to get that out of the way to explain why...I feel like I might also be transphobic.

Maybe I should use an analogy of that old parable of the grass is always greener on the other side. See, you have this one person - it's not productive to single out anybody even just for an example so let's call this person...Example Woman. Example Woman happens to be very beautiful but she's transgender and wants to be a man.

Then you have a second person. This person greatly admires Example Woman. He's very captivated and smitten by Example Woman. This man thinks he's in love with Example Woman, is sexually attracted to her and yes wants to have sex with her. When Example Woman transitions, this second person is very disappointed because he thinks a very beautiful person has now ceased to exist. But it's not just the physical beauty - it's the femininity of Example Woman that this second person misses because that's wasn't just what was attractive to this person, but what attracted this person - this person didn't just fall in love with Example Woman's beautiful and femininity, he envied it, because he wanted that beauty and femininity too. He didn't just want to experience that beauty and femininity second-hand as a romantic and sexual partner with Example Woman, but he wanted to experience it first-hand because he is male-to-female transgender, and he can't understand why someone so gorgeous and beautiful and feminine would just throw away exactly what he's been pining for his literal entire life since his earliest memories.

We'll go ahead and give this person an actual name, whom we'll call Ray because this second person isn't a theoretical its' goddamn fucking me, all right?

And this is exactly why the subject of female-to-male transition is very hard for me to accept, because...well, I think the analogy up there does a good job explaining it. 

Or if you want another one, imagine if your neighbor has a shiny, I dunno, Ferrari that you've always wanted your entire life, but they sell it in favor of a Lamborghini that you don't much care about, but you're left wondering, why would anybody sell a Ferrari and also, why couldn't that person give it to you?

UPDATE: After showing this post to a few friends on DM we've had a conversation and they actually brought up something that very simply gets to what I'm getting at without all this gobblygook:

I think about and obsess all the time about what my life would be like if I was born a woman - and despite all the crap women have to put up with, I think I would still be much, much happier born a woman.

I want to like who I see when I look at myself in the mirror, and being male absolutely doesn't do that for me.

That said...like I said, even though both of the feelings expressed in those statements are very strong all the time...it goes in and out. I don't know if I'm...really transgender.

I dunno if any of this is working, but...there you go.

And...I don't totally entirely identify as trans but...it goes in and out. A lot if not most of the time it's...I would hardly call it nil but I wouldn't call it a lot either. A bunch of other times it's...a damn fucking lot. Like...

...well maybe the best way I can put it is that in addition to wanting to tap Kitty/Marlowe up there really really bad, when I found out Marlowe is trans it made me want to put on a wig and see if there's some chance little old ugly imperfect me can be that pretty, too.

And I'll go ahead and throw out there that when I had testicular cancer (in case anybody new reads this, no this is not the other hard subject I've talked about on this blog, beleive it or not), I saw it as a sign that maybe I should transition. But, I don't know. Everytime I think I get real serious about it...it just doesn't feel right.

And...I still feel very intensely sexually attracted to women. I don't think that's ever going to change. I mean that's pretty much what spurred this whole coming out in the first place. Does that make me a lesbian? I don't know.

So there you go. We have a really hot girl and, um, whatever mess this is.

Maybe I just need a girlfriend.

Please feel free to comment. No filtering or censorship or deleting will take place, just get it all out (that's our typical policy anyway)

Extra Thoughts

- So we actually have another first here, congratulations to Kitty/Marlowe for being the first image this blog uses created with this newfangled stupid effin' 3D Paint thing that I really, really hate with a passion because it's hard to use, but Microsoft had to get rid of all the familiarity of original MS Paint because...

I mean I would ask why can't they just make things just stay the same but...given the literal entire subject of this post that feels very awkward to say now.

 - I had some other thoughts that were pretty deep (and not so deep) but they escape me now. I guess that's to be expected.

 - ANDI MACK STILL SUCKS I AM STILL GIVING UP ON THAT SHOW I AM STILL NOT GOING TO REVIEW IT and...I mean I would go on about how I wish Season 1 didn't change because it was better but...yeah. I'mma gonna shut the fuck up now.

 - Ok something where I don't keep awkwardly looping back to transgender issues I am very psyched about I Am Frankie tomorrow, which I consider one of the best shows period from last year. I really love you guys over at Cinemat. Loved you since the Every Witch Way Days.

...that still sounds like I'm giving stealth-commentary on trans issues, damnit.

 - So I sent this blog post to Marlowe himself (along with still perving on him because...see the image macro with good ole' General Bison there above) and used plenty of hashtags so there's a chance this post could blow up although, as I again explained to Marlowe, the cold hard truth of reality has taught me that statistically I have a greater chance of winning the Powerball...one hundred times in a row. But just in case...

I JUST FINISHED WRITING A BOOK PLEASE PROMOTE ME BLAH BLAH SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION WHEE!
Yeah I still have more than enough shame to turn even something as serious as this into self-promotion, so sue me (please don't I have no money Blogger pays me nothing).

 - Oh Shit I Forgot I ALSO HAVE A SECOND BLOG PLEASE VISIT AND PROMOTE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT ONE TOO WHEE!!

And yes my latest article in that blog is defending two young women accused of trying to become Chick Harris and Klebold but...it's not that simple and needless to say that's a completely different topic (which, well, it literally is, on my other blog). But do read that piece when it'll be run at my alma mater! Actually what my alma mater guys just told me is that if I'm going to be begging for attention here on my stupid Nickelodeon and Disney Channel blog by pulling stupid stunts like perving/creeping on transgender people and pretending they're still women, I better pull that stuff off my other blog until publication date. It's not so much the stupid-ass creeper stunts I'm pulling on this blog as so much as just drawing attention to an article that's not even supposed to be out yet.

But I can go back to my normal routine of creepy dumbassery once it's published! :D

...for the like five of you who will bother reading this (Hi Marlowe hopefully! p.s. I still think you're an ultra-hottie ( ˘ ³˘)♥ unless you think I'm just coming off as a total creep now in which case I don't blame you and I promise I'll stop)

- This whole time I was so self-centered I completely spaced out on, like, we totally have a second person who writes on this blog too! Hi Mike! Wave to the nice new non-existent people because I'm delusional and making up new readership statistics in my head! :D

 - So here's some...way after-the-fact additions and updates *waves to the two people I knew were going to read this and...pretty much the only ones, yup*. In my, uh, first draft of this I guess I forgot to mention that I actually know some transgender friends myself (also male-to-female, I've actually yet to meet any female-to-male ones) and I DM'd one of them (the one I can get ahold of the soonest) a link to this blog (although...I did briefly mention some other circumstances with Shipping Wars are Stupid down below in the comments). Anyway, another thing I forgot to mention is that, along with my love of all things tween/teen entertainment including Nickelodeon, Disney Channel and Young Adult (which of course is what this blog primarily caters to) and along with various STEM things like what I still have left lingering after I left the engineering world (whee!) is that...I suddenly have a very sudden, very random interest in Nerf and other foam dart launchers (NOT guns, foam dart launchers we take the distinction very seriously in the Nerf community).
So yeah. 

Anyway, to bring this back *on-topic* I just want to say that I've always really, really loved the Nerf Rebelle line (it's the one insultingly "focus marketed" towards girls) for the pretty lines and colors and just the fact that it's so damn girly

.

...except I really, really hate the CornerSite because I swear to Freaking God all they did was hot-glue the cheapest looking toy-grade compact mirror they could find onto the side of a blaster and went yeah sure all the Katniss Everdeen and Kim Possible wannabees out there will fucking wet themselves over this thing! and called it a day:

I also hate the Power Pair blasters because...I again swear to Freaking God, and this is just me obviously, but...to me it looks like fucking dildos that underwent the obligatory Jolt reskin:

...I really don't know what it is but they just make me feel very, very uncomfortable from a visual standpoint.

...actually now that I look at it that fourth blaster I posted up there looks like a dildo turned into a literal girl's toy (in more ways than one I guess, tee hee) too.

Anyway my whole point being is that one of these days I'm looking to plop down serious money (like, $200 worth which is $200 more than I will probably ever, ever have in my life) on one of these bad boys:

...but have them be painted up in a cross between the Nerf Rebelle colors and something that tastefully (i.e., doesn't just blatantly ripoff) Jangular's Fabulous colors:

As for why such expensive blasters that you have to 3D print yourself (or have someone else do it) and is still expensive and unless you really know what you're doing when 3D printing or willing to put in a lot of manhours (or I guess I should say peoplehours with the whole...you know, me coming out as transgender and as someone disgusted with the male body they're trapped in) to put in a desired fit and finish won't even match the finish of a $29.99 Stryfe you can buy off Amazon...it's an operating thing.

If you're not #Operator$tatus you wouldn't understand.

...and yeah that was just a long-ass convoluted excuse to post a Coop video, so sue me (again don't I have no money and I need it to pay for ridiculously expensive literal toy foam dart blasters and after that, graduate school debt, in that clearly prioritized order). But seriously Captain_Slug's Caliburn and Northeast Design Corp's Chimera are amazing pieces of engineering that I am just as much as in love with as I am...uhhh...what's a not-awkward, not-possibly-transphobic way to say this...can I just say Kitty's curves? Can I refer to her as separate from Marlowe or can I like say "when he had curves" or like what do I do because I don't want to make it seem like I just want to force Marlowe back to being a woman for my own extremely selfish prurient benefit.

Yeah I don't know what the fuck I'm doing still. Enjoy some Coop videos:

 - ...I also really, really love American Girl dolls and always have ever since they were a thing and I obsessively subscribe to and watch American Girl doll related channels on YouTube, long before and even more than I do Nerf. There, I said it.

 - On that note it's always been a dream of mine to come out with a line of "empathy dolls" for boys that I would hope would teach them more about what it's like to properly and respectfully socially interact with girls and women but...I think that's just gonna remain a pipe dream forever as I figure out what the hell does all that even mean. Maybe I'll elaborate that on a future post (or not since like the two of you who've already read this post are the only ones who are gonna).