Movie Review: Scales: Mermaids Are Real

 *screams horribly while dying in a way that not only is physically impossible but doesn't even make any sense even in the most absurd of sci-fi or fantasy conventions*

What is it? a 92-minute on-the-dot movie...I suspect it's a Direct-to-video movie? But I'm not entirely sure (more on that in the review proper)

Where did it air? I saw it on Netflix but it has since expired off that platform and I wouldn't necessarily know where it jumped to - although it looks like it's almost exclusively on Prime and AppleTV now. Almost, as you can apparently also watch it completely for free, without subscription, on Tubi (and...review spoiler alert, although the opening quote should've been enough of a hint, that's about the absolute most you want to pay for it DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE SEVERAL PEOPLE HAVE MADE AS INDICATED ON AMAZON USER REVIEWS  AND ACTUALLY SPEND MONEY TO GET THIS MOVIE ON A PHYSICAL STORAGE MEDIUM)

Who stars in it? Apparently the kid from some movie or TV show or other who says this is the worst film he's ever done (more review spoiler alert) and let's face it, a bunch of no names. Oh, and Morgan Fairchild...let's face it, it really speaks about where she is in her career to really be in a movie like this. Oh, and Nikki Hahn, who you might recognize from the DCOM Adventures in Babysitting! You know, the "100th" DCOM (yes quotes there are relevant)? Oh, and Elizabeth Rohm! From Angel! You're old enough to remember Angel, right? You're old enough to remember the WB Network, right?

Why are we reviewing this? Well it's within our children/teen media mandate-thingie and...also this is some sort of especial writing disaster that deserves comment on (more on this...pretty dang soon, actually)

This movie was written and directed by Kevan Peterson.

I'm bringing that up specifically because, while he's actually a pretty competent director, all things considered...Good Lord he can't write to save his life.

If you're wondering where I've been, it's to....I know I say this literally every massive break like this (which, yes, is a lot) but I've been focusing on my writing career, and also because it was 2020, trying to hide under a rock, but also, the relevant point as to why I bring this up now, listening to this guy on YouTube who calls himself Lorerunner. He calls himself that because in addition to his passion for speedrunning, he also "lore-runs" video games where he pauses and explains all the details of the lore behind the story and setting of the game and even behind-the-scenes details (you know the literal exact opposite of speedrunning, but trust me, it's really good in a nerdy sort of way, which I totally unapologetically unironically dig). He's since expanded this "lore-running" into movies and TV shows where he...well, basically just does exactly what this very blog does just in video format, which granted is also what a ton upon a ton of other YouTube channels do. Hell, although he's mostly known for "lore-running" the various Star Trek shows and movies now to the point where he openly acknowledges that's what the YouTube stats are actively telling him what most of his audience is interested in, he's not even the first to do that by far, openly acknowledging Chuck Sonnenberg's SciFi Debris' influence (and I just want to take this opportunity to brag I knew Chuck from way back in the day, way, way before YouTube was even a thing, thank you very much). But what really sets Lorerunner apart, and what really impresses me about him, is the thoroughness and attention to detail he puts in his reviews. Seriously, he watches the thing, sometimes rewatches it, and writes down any relevant thoughts that pops up, and on top of that, he actually goes and than scours not just the Internet but even any print media he can find not only on that movie or TV show but even on that individual specific episode, to the point where his official policy is to wait years until he bothers to even watch a show so he can make sure that whatever behind-the-scenes accounts of that show are ever going to be available do become available by that time. 

Ok, so what? Well, remember where I passively mention that he's most well-known for his Star Trek reviews? I managed to complete all his Next Generation reviews (good stuff BTW, you'll learn lots about the utter shitshow that show had to start out as which pretty much explains why the first two seasons were so, so bad) and just started his Voyager reviews a couple of weeks ago. Ok, so what to that then? 

The point I'm making is, if you go back and especially watch the first episodes of Lorerunner's lore-run of the corresponding first episodes of Voyager, you'll realize that Scales: Mermaids are Real is basically constructed exactly like a very, very early episode of Star Trek: Voyager.

That is in no way a good thing.

This movie is one of the most disjointed, discombobulated things I've ever seen that's still trying for an actually coherent plot (and failing miserably at it). One of the reasons why is that it feels like almost every other scene at least just feels like outright padding and time-filler. These scenes add nothing to plot progression or character development and in fact for the most part nothing is exactly what happens. The worst offender I can think of off the top of my head is when the main character, Siren, is invited to a desalinization plant (yes really) by the adult mermaids for what's basically her mermaid bat mitzvah (yes really) and said adult mermaids wail (yes really) for what seems like several minutes. There's an especially extended scene where Siren's mom, best friend, and best friend's mother play a game of hot-potato who's-gonna-tell-Siren?-roulette that strikes me as being straight out of a script you ask someone the age of Siren herself to write. There's also quite a bit of outright dead space - inordinate long shots of characters walking in groups in order to confront groups of other characters, for instance, or equally inordinately long shots of mermaids swimming in the ocean - mermaid characters that in one particular actually should-be-important case don't even appear elsewhere in the movie, aside from these long-ass glorified establishing shots. 

There's also, I swear, plot details that are just simply out of order entirely. Siren gets explanations to random new abilities or details well after said details have ceased being relevant for the rest of the movie. There are obvious setups for scenes that have already occurred a good while ago. There's an odd throwaway line about the "Hunters," the wholly-human antagonists of the film, in relation to mermen, and that's the only time the subject of mermen is brought up in the entirety of the movie, save for one part that you probably missed because you've simply quit the movie by then, no really (I'll get into that part a little more, too).  I'm seriously wondering if a bunch of scenes were just scooped right off the editing room floor after being erroneously cut and then randomly spliced back into the reel (or, rather, I guess, if said scenes were just bunched together from the iMovie trash bin after being erroneously cut and then randomly dumped back into the main video track). 

And then there's the ultimate show-don't-tell cardinal sin: not just telling instead of showing, but literally telling us twice. There's a scene where Siren's adoptive mom Tiffany introduces her to two mermaid characters, and then literally the very next piece of dialogue is for those same characters to introduce themselves, again. There's a part at the climax where Tiffany goes into the ocean to rescue Siren - except she pauses in order to turn to the camera to tell the camera she's going off to rescue Siren. 

Without these glaring marks of amateur hour...I'm not sure if the film would be serviceable at that point or if it's actually taking what would be an extremely, perhaps even painfully, straightforward, unimaginative, cookie-cutter and even outright boring mermaid coming-of-age story and actually making it entertaining by swinging it all the way into...not so bad it's good, but so bad it's fascinating that someone can make so many basic mistakes in something that isn't The Room. If there is one good thing that I can say about it, it's that it actually has some crazy good picture quality to it. The film itself has a very sharp contrast and field-depth to it that is outright impressive, really, to a degree that I don't see in most actual theatrical releases, even ones that are high-budget blatant Oscar-bait. I'm really wondering how they pulled that off and what kind of crazy-good camera they ended up getting for something that otherwise would probably feel like your average DisneyXD production.

...on that note, it actually did kinda feel like the distaff-counterpart of Mech-X4 (remember that show?) at first before it, well...started feeling like an especially mediocre episode of very early Star Trek: Voyager.

As for special effects, well...probably the wisest thing they did with the special effects is that they really only have like, seriously, half a dozen SFX shots in the entire movie, practical, digital or otherwise. And most of those are just generic "ooooooh glowing orb!" effects or the practical effect of Siren's growing mermaid tail (unless you want to count that under costuming, which is really all it is). The one time - the ONE time - were we do see both a serious effort at a digital effect and a practical effect is literally the absolute climax of the movie itself where...actually, that right there is a real good example of all the sins I just listed this movie committed, combined into a single mega-example.

The...I guess secondary main villain of the movie, the one TVTropes would call The Dragon, Brodie (which come to think about it...is about as subtle as you'd expect from this movie) attempts to kidnap Siren's best friend Crystal (the one played by Nikki Hahn) to...I'm not kidding, basically press out all her mermaid blood to make into medicinal remedies, and by "kidnap" I really mean "grab her and let her squirm in your arms as you just wiggle in place while surrounded by mermaids who have every motherly incentive to take their daughter back but also do absolutely nothing other than to also stand in place while they outnumber you seven-to-one and you're also completely unarmed" until Siren's birth mother shows up (oh spoiler, Siren's birth mother is literally the Queen of All Mermaids) and stands on the shore and...shows off her powers by making the waves really tall, and then receding them, and making them tall again, and just repeat for a good while. The special effect itself is about what you'd expect from a DCOM from early last decade, and it's literally just scene filler as after she makes a big show of her wave-making magic, she just continues to stand there like everyone else. And then Siren herself confronts Brodie who, understanably, isn't impressed with the wow you can make really big waves! trick, until Siren explains that the human body is two-thirds water.

And then proceeds to use her water-controlling powers to literally melt Brodie into nothing.

There's quite a bit to unpack here, but the first thing I want to address is the one thing I find most commonly brought up on user reviews whether they be on Amazon, Common Sense Media, what have you, and that is how they all found how utterly ghastly and horrific is this  outright murder that 12-year-old Siren just committed, justified or not. Honestly, I wasn't bothered by how ghastly or how evidently torturously painful poor Brodie's demise was (other than Crystal asking Siren if she can teach her that trick which...ummm...is legitimately disturbing) as I was mostly just sitting there and saying to myself....

image from...Chukichi? WTF?

Yeah, first of all, water don't work like that. It's demonstrated, or at least heavily implied, that Siren can only manipulate pure water, or at least mostly seawater, and most of the "water" that exists in the human body does so mostly in solution with other fluids such as blood. Furthermore...well, in order to delve into that I really need to get into the practical effect itself which is...dumping a ton of water onto Brodie's actor and telling him, ok, now act like you're dying the most painful death imaginable! Great, but, uh, can you ham it up just a little bit? Ok a lot more. Ok pretend your Tim Curry in the full-motion video cutscenes of Red Alert 3. Perfect! And then he literally goes poof! until only his clothes and a pair of goggles that really come right out of nowhere are left in a tiny neat little pile right there on the beach.

Yeah...please reference the image macro above.

I mean, I don't think I even need to explain it any further. Again, manipulating or suddenly removing all the water (as much as it is in solution) out of a human's body completely doesn't outright melt them Wicked Witch of the West-style.

You know...this whole goddamn movie...S. M. H.

...oh, and before I conclude this review I gotta mention the other part where mermen are referenced. The reason why I said you'll probably quit the movie before then is because it's a post-credits stinger scene where Siren and her birth-mom are in the ocean staring at a merman for like a split second right in between the conclusion of the credits roll and when the movie quits proper. Really you can almost miss it entirely by blinking. I would've had no idea if I didn't insist on watching through the entirety of the credits specifically to jot down production information (that I could've just as easily gotten off IMDb) specifically for the sake of this review. 

Ok, now where was I? Oh, yeah, right.

...this whole goddamn movie...S. M. H.

Movie Grade:  ...I actually had to refer back to my handy-dandy Grade Rating System Explainer that I wrote...wow, over three years ago to pinpoint and figure this one out and I've settled on...a solid D+, or as I call it in said Explainer, "the real Gentleman's F". Really, there came a point where the only reason why I finished watching it was to satisfy some morbid curiosity (or perhaps, I had hope that it would actually turn around and be good.

Nope.).

Movie MVP: ...or should I reward an LVP here? Nobody stands out at all, not even the actor behind Siren herself. I would be tempted to reward it to myself for sitting through it, but I do feel like that's only genuinely warranted for F grade movies (even if my own past actions contradict that, whatevs). Likewise, a proper LVP also necessitates a F range grade. A mere "Gentleman's F" isn't gonna cut it for this. So I guess I'll just..."throws dart at IMDb listing".... congratulations actual "professional mermaid" Hannah Mermaid (yes really) for winning this blog's award for this movie's MVP!

Extra Thoughts:

 - ...this whole godddamn movie. S. M. H.

 - yes, Hannah Mermaid, "professional mermaid." Well, what she really is is a glorified professional cosplayer just...cosplaying as a mermaid. Underwater.

 - fun fact I actually had an opportunity to meet some "professional mermaids" a while back but logistical issues got in the way. Would really, really still like to meet one one day.

 - on that note, and I really should've mentioned it in the main review (and I'm pretty certain I mentioned it in previous reviews), is that I absolutely totes love mermaid lore and culture. As in, I'm legitimately obsessed with it. Almost to Brodie-I'm Melting! MEEELLLTING! levels, really. I think a lot of it comes from the Tom Hanks-Daryl Hannah rom-com Splash being one of the first movies I ever saw (...no, not in theaters, that movie actually did come out before I was even born for once) and really reaffirmed when I saw Aquamarine on Nickelodeon right when I started getting into all this kiddie crap as a grown-ass adult ....children's and teen media....that I had explained what's now years ago in this post (warning: pretty heavy stuff there, consider this a legitimate trigger warning even) and even in this review (our first A++ score, in fact!) and even in this review. And I guess given that (on top of all the other stuff, which is referred to in all those previous linked posts) it's only natural I gravitate towards all this kiddie crap as a grown-ass adult as most mermaid media ends up being...well, kiddie crap stuff. Even to this day any mermaid lore or culture book I find at a used bookstore or a garage/yard sale/swap meet is an instant must-buy.

 - ...that said...this whole goddamn movie. S. M. H.

Netflix Carmen Sandiego reviewed: "Seasons" 1-5

 She did not protect the face!

What is it? Standard 24-minute drama-ish cartoon show

Where did it air? Netflix original, baby!

Who stars in it? Gina Rodriguez of Jane the Virgin fame as the title role, Abby Trott and Michael Hawley as Zack and Ivy, and Dawnn Lewis (of A Different World fame, if you're old enough to remember that, if you remember the dad from K.C. Undercover also being in it...if you're old enough to even remember K.C. Undercover at this point, wow....) and of course an assortment of other actors.

Why did we review it? I dunno I just wanted to start this year off on a good note for once and oh look it's May....

Being a product of my generation, I (General Bison from the Street Fighter live-action movie) of course! watched both the game-show format live-action show and the animated drama-ish (for a cartoon) cartoon show, both from the 90s (in fact I recall significant overlap, which must've made the Borderbund or whatever people happy). It was in fact a pretty influential part of my childhood storytelling imagination, aside from yelling OMG how can you NOT know where Mexico is you friggin' idiot! So when this Carmen Sandiego reboot hit Netflix, I was both interested and curious, although truth be told Netflix has a...spotty record when it comes to 90s nostalgia cartoons from that era. The Inspector Gadget CGI cartoon (which is not a reboot, it's actually a direct sequel/continuation to the 80s-90s cartoon, and incidentally is also aminated by the same studio that did the Garfield CGI cartoon that premiered on Cartoon Network a few years ago, also available on Netflix) is about as textbook mediocre as you can get and frankly not worth reviewing, while the Stretch Armstrong, er, "2D" "traditional" cartoon (have to use quotes there because everything animated is CGI nowadays, including flat "traditional"-looking animation) is...well, I could only end up standing about 11 minutes of the first episode before I deleted it off my list (quick aside, as far as I'm aware this is actually the first time there's been a Stretch Armstrong cartoon, prior to this it's really only been a line of dolls stretchable action figures). I haven't even bothered to see the Reboot...er, reboot yet (yes I've seen pretty much most of the original cartoon at least - and as an aside to that, live-action? Really, Netflix?) But, the previews looked promising with Carmen Sandiego.

At least in this case, the previews do not lie.

In fact, I do not hesitate one bit to call Carmen Sandiego the best original on the platform right now. I'm completely serious. If Inspector Gadget is a textbook example on how to do a reboot/sequel in a very mediocre manner, and if....er, let's take the 2009 Star Trek "reboot" as a textbook example of how to completely bungle a reboot with ever-shrinking returns to prove it, then Carmen Sandiego is a textbook example on how to do a reboot friggin' right for once.

image from something called Startattle, apparently? Man I need to stop sourcing my images from Hollywood Life wannabes

The absolute most drastic and indeed lore-changing, er, change that they made in the reboot is, if anything, the outright most brilliant and inspired move to make. In all past iterations of the franchise, the actual main/viewpoint character was all over the place inherently due to the simple nature of what the franchise really was in the first place. Starting out as a series of computer games, the main character was...well, you, the player (more on that specifically, actually) as you played an Acme Agency detective to try to catch world-renowned thief Carmen Sandiego and her gang of thieves. In the game show version the main character was...well, you, the player, again, again playing an Acme Agency detective to try to catch Carmen blah blah blah, given its game show nature. It was if anything a pretty straightforward, if not equally brilliant and inspired, way to translate a video game to live-action recorded game show format (although that's a story for another time, one that's been told far, far better than I ever will). In the "original" 90s cartoon, the first example in the franchise to actually follow a scripted format, the main characters were Zack and Ivy, two teen junior Acme Agency detectives ordered about and around by a...well, we'll just call him for what he is, a Power Rangers Zordon ripoff but made way, way nerdier. We're talking Urkel levels of nerdier here, I mean it. Oh, and we'll also get back to Zack and Ivy too.

But what makes the Netflix version truly inspired is that, for the first time ever, the star of Carmen Sandiego actually gets to be Carmen Sandiego, you know, the woman the show and whole franchise is named after to begin with. Except she's not a woman quite yet - officially 18-19-20 throughout the run of the show and certainly meant to be relatable with teenagers (or even tweens), and we're first introduced to her for an episode or two when she's just 12 or so. Oh, and she's definitely one of the good guys...er, girls?, this time around, although not exactly on Acme's good side either, pulling a "steal from the bad guys and give back to the good guys" modus operandi. But the point is, it does allow for some amazing character growth, and really some of the best I've ever seen in a show, kiddie cartoon or not.

this is straight from NBC News, apparently! Go figure!

Really, it's hard to articulate all the awesomeness in one concentrated go, but the brilliance of the series isn't just limited to the reimagining of Carmen's character - which wouldn't have been nearly enough to make it this awesome on its own. There was ample opportunity to completely bungle it - again, see previously mentioned reboots - but they somehow managed to throw this together seamlessly and, dare I say, perfectly. Very solid writing, amazing character and world-building, exciting plots, compelling mysteries and cliffhangers all around. To keep up with the J.J. Abrams comparisons I guess, maybe think less Carmen Sandiego and think more a kid-friendly version of Alias that happens to borrow Carmen Sandiego's skin (ewww, that sounds creepy, especially since this involves a teenaged girl...you know what just forget I said that actually)

Actually, on that note, it's not just an example of how to do a reboot right, it's an example on how to do darker and edgier right, especially for a kid-friendly property. The world isn't some apocalyptic hellhole, everybody isn't washed over with perfect morality grey that you can use in turn to justify doing whatever you feel like to them - there are people with clear motivations, it's just that while they're clear to the viewers they're not clear to each other. That's what creates the tension without having it spill over into dorkier and edgier (than bismuth, now that's what I call Le Edgy).

 im

image from CBR

And, yeah, there's cute references to previous incarnations, too. We've got...wait for it - Player!, yes the character's actual name, who's basically Carmen's omnipresent tech support (think...well, pretty much exactly like Wade from Kim Possible, down to being short and never ever leaving his room until forced to do so). And Zack and Ivy are effectively Carmen's sidekicks. We even have a sweet ensemble rendition of Rockapella's iconic theme song from the game show! 

No I'm not going to post it here, you have to do what I did and earn it Saving Private Ryan-style by playing the interactive, um, show thingie. Which you totally should, it's super good. I stumbled into the perfect ending first go-around by accident! 

If there's any flaws, it's that if anything this show was cut down before its prime with something like 38 episodes total. Yes, 38, making it by far the shortest of the Carman Sandiego shows even if also the best by just as much. That's how the Netfix beast goes I guess, when binging habits make total episode counts become much more meaningless than they did back in the old broadcasting days (for example, Stranger Things has something like 50-60 episodes total, a pretty miniscule amount for such a massive break-out series as it would compare to even basic cable let alone broadcast, and BoJack Horseman - another show I should review, actually - has even less, somewhere in the ballpark between that and Carmen Sandiego). And while I wouldn't call it a flaw at all per se, it's...not nearly trying to push the "edu-tainment" angle of its predecessors, although in fairness this reboot never once advertised itself as much and if anything...yeah it's probably all the better for it.

Anyway, that's really as far as I can go without analyzing each and every individual episode. 

Series Grade: ...this seems controversial even to me, but I stand by my statement that this is the best thing on the entirety of the Netflix platform right now, so A++, the highest grade this blog bothers to give out. I don't think even Gravity Falls (which I suppose was the previous "greatest cartoon of all time") even got that high, albeit not by much with it's more conventional A+ score.

Series MVP: Oof, this is a toughie. Conventional wisdom would probably say Gina Rodriguez and...you know what let's just go with that. Carmen herself really is the linchpin of why I love this series so much.

Extra Thoughts:

 - welcome to the slightly-less-of-a-hellhole-and-steadily-improving that is 2021. Whee.

 - Yes I know it's already May.

 - One of the most controversial things that I can possibly think of when it comes to any animated work (or written work for that matter - in fact any work not involving the portrayal of live actors or character depictions based directly upon real people) up to and including, yes, animated porn and hentai (and that really gives away what I'm getting at right there) is designing or depicting any character, but especially women, and let's face it, especially girls as being at the very least very and particularly attractive - and I think it's a safe bet to say Carmen definitely falls into this. This subject isn't worth it's own blog post or even book, it's worth it's own graduate-level gender studies course. I mean it, and in fact I wish there was such a course and if there is, sign me up, literally (I'm looking for graduate credits anyway pls halp) so I won't get into it too much, but it's something as a creative myself that I'm really forced to think about and give consideration to, beyond even my own fascination about this subject. In fact in a couple of the Young Adult books I'm writing, this very subject is the whole core theme of the story (and actually, this iteration of Carmen is almost exactly a dead-ringer for the protog in one of them). On the one hand, I don't think I even need to explain why this point is considered controversial at this point in time, given how more and more mainstream consideration is given to body and sex positivity while also balancing fighting back outright objectification into all of that. On the other hand, beyond just the old adage of "sex sells" (I mean, we are still talking a kiddie show here), audiences do respond to pretty characters. Again, I don't want to bother to go into detail about it here, but I do sincerely think it's fair not only to the show but to the character Carmen herself, yes as if she were an actual person, to bring it up at least.

 - As for the Netflix reboot of Stretch Armstrong...I gave up all interest when it became clear it was just following the exact same old 80s and 90s cartoon tropes that all the cartoons of those eras follows. Cookie cutter bad guys with cookie cutter motivations, cookie cutter Truth and Justice good guys, and just a heavy retro feel in a really bad way especially since this is, what, a friggin' 2019 cartoon? There, that's the series review, that's all the review I feel its really worthy of. Still more than what I can ever conceive the Netflix version of Inspector Gadget is worth.