*screams horribly while dying in a way that not only is physically impossible but doesn't even make any sense even in the most absurd of sci-fi or fantasy conventions*
What is it? a 92-minute on-the-dot movie...I suspect it's a Direct-to-video movie? But I'm not entirely sure (more on that in the review proper)
Where did it air? I saw it on Netflix but it has since expired off that platform and I wouldn't necessarily know where it jumped to - although it looks like it's almost exclusively on Prime and AppleTV now. Almost, as you can apparently also watch it completely for free, without subscription, on Tubi (and...review spoiler alert, although the opening quote should've been enough of a hint, that's about the absolute most you want to pay for it DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE SEVERAL PEOPLE HAVE MADE AS INDICATED ON AMAZON USER REVIEWS AND ACTUALLY SPEND MONEY TO GET THIS MOVIE ON A PHYSICAL STORAGE MEDIUM)
Who stars in it? Apparently the kid from some movie or TV show or other who says this is the worst film he's ever done (more review spoiler alert) and let's face it, a bunch of no names. Oh, and Morgan Fairchild...let's face it, it really speaks about where she is in her career to really be in a movie like this. Oh, and Nikki Hahn, who you might recognize from the DCOM Adventures in Babysitting! You know, the "100th" DCOM (yes quotes there are relevant)? Oh, and Elizabeth Rohm! From Angel! You're old enough to remember Angel, right? You're old enough to remember the WB Network, right?
Why are we reviewing this? Well it's within our children/teen media mandate-thingie and...also this is some sort of especial writing disaster that deserves comment on (more on this...pretty dang soon, actually)
This movie was written and directed by Kevan Peterson.
I'm bringing that up specifically because, while he's actually a pretty competent director, all things considered...Good Lord he can't write to save his life.
If you're wondering where I've been, it's to....I know I say this literally every massive break like this (which, yes, is a lot) but I've been focusing on my writing career, and also because it was 2020, trying to hide under a rock, but also, the relevant point as to why I bring this up now, listening to this guy on YouTube who calls himself Lorerunner. He calls himself that because in addition to his passion for speedrunning, he also "lore-runs" video games where he pauses and explains all the details of the lore behind the story and setting of the game and even behind-the-scenes details (you know the literal exact opposite of speedrunning, but trust me, it's really good in a nerdy sort of way, which I totally unapologetically unironically dig). He's since expanded this "lore-running" into movies and TV shows where he...well, basically just does exactly what this very blog does just in video format, which granted is also what a ton upon a ton of other YouTube channels do. Hell, although he's mostly known for "lore-running" the various Star Trek shows and movies now to the point where he openly acknowledges that's what the YouTube stats are actively telling him what most of his audience is interested in, he's not even the first to do that by far, openly acknowledging Chuck Sonnenberg's SciFi Debris' influence (and I just want to take this opportunity to brag I knew Chuck from way back in the day, way, way before YouTube was even a thing, thank you very much). But what really sets Lorerunner apart, and what really impresses me about him, is the thoroughness and attention to detail he puts in his reviews. Seriously, he watches the thing, sometimes rewatches it, and writes down any relevant thoughts that pops up, and on top of that, he actually goes and than scours not just the Internet but even any print media he can find not only on that movie or TV show but even on that individual specific episode, to the point where his official policy is to wait years until he bothers to even watch a show so he can make sure that whatever behind-the-scenes accounts of that show are ever going to be available do become available by that time.
Ok, so what? Well, remember where I passively mention that he's most well-known for his Star Trek reviews? I managed to complete all his Next Generation reviews (good stuff BTW, you'll learn lots about the utter shitshow that show had to start out as which pretty much explains why the first two seasons were so, so bad) and just started his Voyager reviews a couple of weeks ago. Ok, so what to that then?
The point I'm making is, if you go back and especially watch the first episodes of Lorerunner's lore-run of the corresponding first episodes of Voyager, you'll realize that Scales: Mermaids are Real is basically constructed exactly like a very, very early episode of Star Trek: Voyager.
That is in no way a good thing.
This movie is one of the most disjointed, discombobulated things I've ever seen that's still trying for an actually coherent plot (and failing miserably at it). One of the reasons why is that it feels like almost every other scene at least just feels like outright padding and time-filler. These scenes add nothing to plot progression or character development and in fact for the most part nothing is exactly what happens. The worst offender I can think of off the top of my head is when the main character, Siren, is invited to a desalinization plant (yes really) by the adult mermaids for what's basically her mermaid bat mitzvah (yes really) and said adult mermaids wail (yes really) for what seems like several minutes. There's an especially extended scene where Siren's mom, best friend, and best friend's mother play a game of hot-potato who's-gonna-tell-Siren?-roulette that strikes me as being straight out of a script you ask someone the age of Siren herself to write. There's also quite a bit of outright dead space - inordinate long shots of characters walking in groups in order to confront groups of other characters, for instance, or equally inordinately long shots of mermaids swimming in the ocean - mermaid characters that in one particular actually should-be-important case don't even appear elsewhere in the movie, aside from these long-ass glorified establishing shots.
There's also, I swear, plot details that are just simply out of order entirely. Siren gets explanations to random new abilities or details well after said details have ceased being relevant for the rest of the movie. There are obvious setups for scenes that have already occurred a good while ago. There's an odd throwaway line about the "Hunters," the wholly-human antagonists of the film, in relation to mermen, and that's the only time the subject of mermen is brought up in the entirety of the movie, save for one part that you probably missed because you've simply quit the movie by then, no really (I'll get into that part a little more, too). I'm seriously wondering if a bunch of scenes were just scooped right off the editing room floor after being erroneously cut and then randomly spliced back into the reel (or, rather, I guess, if said scenes were just bunched together from the iMovie trash bin after being erroneously cut and then randomly dumped back into the main video track).
And then there's the ultimate show-don't-tell cardinal sin: not just telling instead of showing, but literally telling us twice. There's a scene where Siren's adoptive mom Tiffany introduces her to two mermaid characters, and then literally the very next piece of dialogue is for those same characters to introduce themselves, again. There's a part at the climax where Tiffany goes into the ocean to rescue Siren - except she pauses in order to turn to the camera to tell the camera she's going off to rescue Siren.
Without these glaring marks of amateur hour...I'm not sure if the film would be serviceable at that point or if it's actually taking what would be an extremely, perhaps even painfully, straightforward, unimaginative, cookie-cutter and even outright boring mermaid coming-of-age story and actually making it entertaining by swinging it all the way into...not so bad it's good, but so bad it's fascinating that someone can make so many basic mistakes in something that isn't The Room. If there is one good thing that I can say about it, it's that it actually has some crazy good picture quality to it. The film itself has a very sharp contrast and field-depth to it that is outright impressive, really, to a degree that I don't see in most actual theatrical releases, even ones that are high-budget blatant Oscar-bait. I'm really wondering how they pulled that off and what kind of crazy-good camera they ended up getting for something that otherwise would probably feel like your average DisneyXD production.
...on that note, it actually did kinda feel like the distaff-counterpart of Mech-X4 (remember that show?) at first before it, well...started feeling like an especially mediocre episode of very early Star Trek: Voyager.
As for special effects, well...probably the wisest thing they did with the special effects is that they really only have like, seriously, half a dozen SFX shots in the entire movie, practical, digital or otherwise. And most of those are just generic "ooooooh glowing orb!" effects or the practical effect of Siren's growing mermaid tail (unless you want to count that under costuming, which is really all it is). The one time - the ONE time - were we do see both a serious effort at a digital effect and a practical effect is literally the absolute climax of the movie itself where...actually, that right there is a real good example of all the sins I just listed this movie committed, combined into a single mega-example.
The...I guess secondary main villain of the movie, the one TVTropes would call The Dragon, Brodie (which come to think about it...is about as subtle as you'd expect from this movie) attempts to kidnap Siren's best friend Crystal (the one played by Nikki Hahn) to...I'm not kidding, basically press out all her mermaid blood to make into medicinal remedies, and by "kidnap" I really mean "grab her and let her squirm in your arms as you just wiggle in place while surrounded by mermaids who have every motherly incentive to take their daughter back but also do absolutely nothing other than to also stand in place while they outnumber you seven-to-one and you're also completely unarmed" until Siren's birth mother shows up (oh spoiler, Siren's birth mother is literally the Queen of All Mermaids) and stands on the shore and...shows off her powers by making the waves really tall, and then receding them, and making them tall again, and just repeat for a good while. The special effect itself is about what you'd expect from a DCOM from early last decade, and it's literally just scene filler as after she makes a big show of her wave-making magic, she just continues to stand there like everyone else. And then Siren herself confronts Brodie who, understanably, isn't impressed with the wow you can make really big waves! trick, until Siren explains that the human body is two-thirds water.
And then proceeds to use her water-controlling powers to literally melt Brodie into nothing.
There's quite a bit to unpack here, but the first thing I want to address is the one thing I find most commonly brought up on user reviews whether they be on Amazon, Common Sense Media, what have you, and that is how they all found how utterly ghastly and horrific is this outright murder that 12-year-old Siren just committed, justified or not. Honestly, I wasn't bothered by how ghastly or how evidently torturously painful poor Brodie's demise was (other than Crystal asking Siren if she can teach her that trick which...ummm...is legitimately disturbing) as I was mostly just sitting there and saying to myself....
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