A Brief Overview of A Monkey of Books

Andi Mack is now the greatest crash-and-burn in network history. Too bad I'm the only one on this entire planet who really recognizes it.

What is it? It's my new WordPress site!
What network did it air on? Uhh, WordPress I guess.
Who stars in it? Uhhh, me I guess, yay! Also Mike if I can figure out how although...maybe not since the focus will be different.
Why are we reviewing this? Uhhh we're not reviewing it per se but it's my site so there.

Yeah I don't know why I did the standard review opening for this.

But anyway, I have a new WordPress site, "A Monkey of Books." If you go there you will find...the bare unmodified WordPress template for anything that hasn't been changed yet because that's exactly at the point I am at.

But to run down a few questions:

What is "A Monkey of Books"? (Other than the obvious, yeah yeah we get it it's your WordPress site, but what?) 

It's the site I'm going to use as kind of my primary author's platform for the time being (along with a WordPress that I registered under my real name) as I launch my writing career.

I've been told by other authors I need to do it so...I did it.

As such it's going to focus on books and writing - not necessarily book reviews (although probably, although I already have a BlogSpot where I do that too that probably exactly none of you bother to visit anyway) but on the writing process and talking about genres (probably mostly young adult because that's what I mostly read, so sue me) and about the reading process too (since I'm a legit speed reader so there).

Now that I think about it it'll probably mostly supercede my "Writings (And Musings) Of Ray" Blogspot entirely, which I started well, well before this blog (and before Christian and Sean) but yeah. Maybe I'll think of something for that space too, I don't necessarily see a big reason to deactivate it as such.

And as for this site, hold on for two questions.

So why "A Monkey of Books?"

Monkey is British slang for 500 (namely half a bag in quid and such, yo). As it stands right now I'm on pace to read 500 books this calendar year (well, "titles" since a lot of that includes graphic novels, but I'm hoping my average book/"title" length will end up being over 300 pages long. And I'm probably going to fail that goal if I don't stop blogging here and get to work reading anyway). 

In the writing group I belong to, where I launched this WordPress (because they told me to) we have a lot of in-jokes about monkies and when we launch a sample WordPress on how to launch a WordPress the "training" site ends up having "Monkey" worked in the title, so OK.

What about this blog? What's it's future? Are you going to deactivate it?

No. This will be as it always was - Creepy asides, random pro-SJW rants and somewhere in there reviews of Nickelodeon and Disney Channel shows, just like it says in the subheader. As for a layout that doesn't suck, maybe one day I'll do that (BlogSpot does give you options) but now that I have a WordPress I feel less incentive to do that. 

But yeah, I'll still be talking Nickelodeon and Disney Channel (and general TV topics) here. There's a certain freeform (or is that Freeform?) I feel I have a freedom here, especially since my WordPress is for my professional writing career so it carries...certain expectations that I feel I'm free from here. I do enjoy the very informal nature of which I do things here, spelling mistakes and all, to just rant about Nickelodeon and Disney Channel shows.

So, um, there.

So after years of talking about it, I finally just did it

I launched a WordPress site.

It's...still in early construction. I'm still trying to figure out how to set it up and let Mike post in it.

Will we abandon this site? No. The WordPress is going to be a different focus as I'm launching a new writing career, so Nickelodeon and Disney Channel (and other broad entertainment) reviews will remain here. The BlogSpot format...isn't too horrible for this kind of thing.

We also have a Tumblr. We've had a Tumblr for, I think, close to a year now? Over a year?

...I probably should've mentioned that sooner.

Current Disney Channel and Nickelodeon live-action only shows between now and the premiere of Coop and Cami, Ranked

Disney Channel:

Standing Alone At The Top Tier: Bizaardvark
Shockingly improved but still very bad tier: Bunk'd
Unwatchable Garbage Tier: Literally everything else (yes this includes Andi Mack now, deal with it)

Nickelodeon:

Standing Alone At The Top Tier: I Am Frankie
Excited To See It's Returning Tier: Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel
Unwatchable Garbage Tier: Henry Danger

...I literally don't know of any other live-action Nickelodeon shows right now. This might be a new low record in a long time, if not since the early 90s.

Star Falls and Knight Squad are part of the new class of live-action Nick shows. I don't know how long either show will last (especially Star Falls, which should have been a TV movie instead of a series), but from what I've seen, both are pretty decent.

I watched the season two premiere of I Am Frankie (well, most of it) and an episode from season one, and it looks like the show is alright. I was getting vibes of The Secret World of Alex Mack. Anyone ever watched that show? They almost never show it on TV, but this episode was like the one where Alex splits into two different personalities: One good and one evil. They really should air reruns on The Splat. If I watch more I Am Frankie episodes, I'll go further with the comparisons.

You know what? The Loud House deserves to be in the top tier. Animated or not, it's the only show right now that really gives me that feeling of quality. I don't see it as an alright show, it's a genuinely good show with a 90s style that doesn't feel like pandering.

Disney Channel and Nickelodeon have both died. Once Bunk'd, Raven's Home, Andi Mack, and I Am Frankie end, they will never recover.

Freaky Friday DCOM Reviewed

Don't call her a tool! Nobody's calling anybody any names here! Alternatively, an entire song about trying to pass Biology with maybe some subtext about love or something that doesn't really work, yay!

What is it? A Disney Channel Original Movie, yo! Although we had Z-O-M-B-I-E-S (yes I'm going to insist on that because that's how Disney should've marketed it) back in February, it certainly feels even longer since we've had one of these (which probably speaks more about Z-O-M-B-I-E-S more than anything but...that's another review).
Where did it air? Oh, I'm sure you can watch Disney Channel Original Movies on Nickelodeon or even HBO....
Who stars in it? Cozi Zuehlsdorff who, yeah, you had to Google that to spell it right too, anyway this is her first starring DCOM role, some older actress person who I'm too lazy to look up, a bunch of other people yeah yeah, Dana Renee in what's apparently her very first TV acting role period so props on that, and Marlowe Percival, a guy who Disney Channel somehow decided would be great to make wear a wig and play a girl and yet still ended up one of the hottest DCOM chicks ever who I wrote more about, uh, here. 
Why are we reviewing this? Well, it's a DCOM but...actually more on that but yeah, we review DCOMs here so there.

So, umm, there's a lot to unpack here.

Much of which I already did in the article I, uh, linked up there. But now's the time to talk 2018 Freaky Friday strictly from an entertainment/literary/wider television landscape analysis.

Annnnnnnnd...even completely tabling my questioning-trans status completely and pretending it doesn't exist at all and not something I've thought a lot about since literally I've been capable of thought so no this isn't just some suddenly new thing for me but...there's a lot of, um, questioning about this one.

For starters I thought it was actually...ok? Yeah let's talk about that first.

By far the best thing about the movie, if I'm not going to just go on and on about how pretty Marlowe is in a wig and fake boobs to the point where he probably would want to empty a Rotofury's entire dart load straight into my face, is the opening sequence. It's very beautifully, whimsically and creatively done but...all the same, when I'm praising the opening credits as the most creative and best part of the movie, that's sad, yo. 

The decision to make it a musical...ok it's bizarre. I've never seen any of the previous versions of Freaky Friday so I don't know if they're even musicals or not. But the musical numbers in this one felt very much like an after-thought. They don't serve to carry or convey or add to the plot in a proper musical, like in any of the given HSM movies (yes even the second one) or Teen Beach Movie (or even...the second one...) or Lemonade Mouth, they instead serve as a very hard stop and pause to that same action. That's...pretty much the exact opposite of what musical numbers are supposed to do. Or the exact opposite of what any narrative device is supposed to do. It doesn't feel like I'm suddenly watching two separate movies, but rather, that they decided to film two separate scripts written for the same movie and somehow try to edit them seamlessly into one.

Spoiler alert: they failed at it.

What certainly doesn't help is that the musical numbers...also just sucked. Hard. About as hard as I want Marlowe...ok, even to me this is just coming off as an open, very public display of sexual harassment so I'll stop gushing over how pretty I think he was in this right now. 

I mean I only think Marlowe's pretty in the context presented in this movie anyway, #SorryNotSorry. And ok I promise I'll stop now. Again on the off-chance you're reading this I really don't blame you if you want to fire off a Rotofury directly into my face. Hell even a Mastadon.

But anyway, the musical numbers were hot flaming piles of Bunk'd-level dumpster garbage. There was a musical number of how horrible your parents are. There was a musical number about fucking catering. There was a musical number about fucking Biology class, and yeah I know it was allegorical for love, except I think that's what was intended but they failed hard at it so yeah it's a musical number about trying to fucking pass high school Biology.

I understand this is supposed to be faithful to the musical but...this makes me want to stay away from the musical hardcore. If there's anything everything from Spider-Man to Spongebob has taught us, it's that Broadway should stop trying to turn every fucking thing into a fucking musical.

Oh and let's talk specifically about Go!, or I should say GoooooOOooooOOOooooOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!fuckmealready. Yeah, the "soundtrack" of Disney Channel's entire fucking summer. They just started running ads for the official Freaky Friday soundtrack and you know that's just going to fly off the shelves.

The rest of the movie was...ok. It was a yeoman DCOM effort minus the musical bits. Not as great as even lowkey DCOMs I really, really like, like say Geek Charming, How to Build a Better Boy or Bad Hair Day or, yes, I'm being completely serious here - Hatching Pete. Not even like Frenemies which is what I would consider a really great example of what I think is truly So Bad It's Good. It's better than Invisible Sister or the hugely overrated boring snorefest that people think was "great" from Disney Channel's eariest eras for some reason (I'm not kidding I literally used to use The Thirteenth Year off Watch Disney Channel as a sleep aid, yes I'm being extremely literal about this) but that's it.

Which in the grand scheme of things puts it right down the middle of the road. 

As for acting- Cozi did a good job. I really like Cozi. I really liked her in Dophin's Tale, I really liked her in Mighty Med, I really liked her in KC Undercover. Given how she has big screen experience in multiple starring roles, there's no doubt or compulsion to needlessly insult her acting ability. Her singing...she was lip-synced, everybody saw that a billion miles away. Everybody was lip-synced. Cozi was lip-synced in all her songs, What's Her Face Adult was lip-synced in all her songs (and she's reprising her role from the musical!), Dana was lip-synced in all her songs, Marlowe was lip-synced for all speaking roles period. 

That's all I have to talk about quality-wise aside from assigning grades and MVP awards but...yeah let's really dish and talk about how much of a hot mess this movie was.

I disagree with the assertion that this movie wasn't promoted a lot. It was promoted since last year during...Descendants 2 even, I think. I could be wrong but I feel as certain about it as I am not only in my desire for a really hot redhead girlfriend (again) but in my desire to be a really hot redhead myself. Yeah I know just because I came out as questioning...I should quit that too. But it got about as much promotion as say Geek Charming or How to Build a Better Boy or Bad Hair Day or, hell even Cloud 9. So yeah, no, no excuse for that here.

As much as I thought the movie was ok people hated it. It's one of the lowest-rated DCOMs on IMDB right now. The most popular #FreakyFriday hashtags were about how people thought this movie was hot flaming Bunk'd-level dumpster garbage or...porn tags. Yup, as in we're talking actual uncensored dick pics over Twitter through the #FreakyFriday hashtag. Great Job Disney! It's also the lowest rated DCOM since they started Nielsen-rating DCOMs - yes it beat out the infamous Johnny Tsunami: Back on Board. Your average episode of Andi Mack and Bunk'd got about the same ratings.

Literally every single episode premiere of A.N.T. Farm got higher ratings.

Literally every single episode premiere of I Didn't Do It got higher ratings.

LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE EPISODE PREMIERE OF The Adventures of Kid Danger GOT HIGHER RATINGS.

In terms of the raw business of television, this is one of the greatest hot messes Disney Channel has ever had on its hands. And to the movie's credit, not all of it is its fault as DCOM ratings have been on a steady downward slope since before I even started indulging in my feminine manchildish-ness in watching the network. Except it's certainly a much more dramatic slope in the past year or two. It arguably started all the way back with Lemonade Mouth when ratings were only great, not block-buster HSM-numbers, and arguably Disney just had too high expectations. But fast forward that same year through Geek Charming and except for the surge of Good Luck Charlie, It's Christmas! immediately after the DCOM numbers weren't clearly as high as they were back during the height of DCOM-mania (not just when HSM ruled the channel, but when the series-based DCOM was commonplace). GLC ended up being the very last (aside from BS pilots-in-disguise, yeah I'm looking at you Tangled) and I think it was very clear when Shake it Up: Made in Japan ended up being a multi-cam three-parter.

Fast forward to today and...Teen Beach 2 was one of the biggest bombs for the network at that time. Adventures in Babysitting eclipsed that status. It's been just going steadily downhill every since, and now it's a Sisyphean-boulder crashing down the mountainside. 

One of the things that really compelled me to watch Freaky Friday, for old time's sake, is that aside from Descendants 3 this could very well be the last DCOM. Ever.

This is no exaggeration. The business case just isn't there anymore, especially if you need something like Descendants, a mega-event carefully crafted and tailored to meet all the key demo's fetishes (yes really) just to rise above the level of a perfectly normal episode.

So, yeah. What a way to go out.

And at the end of the day, with all the combined considerations of ratings, audience reaction, and even the quality of the work itself, it's really worth asking, after all the work she's put into the network in supporting roles here and there, they decided that, finally, Cozi's very own starring DCOM vehicle...should be this?

They decided it was worth going so far as to make a guy wear a wig and boobs for this?

Episode Grade: A flat-C. It's...a perfectly normal serviceable DCOM dragged down by some extremely questionable musical numbers.

Episode MVP: Marlowe in a wig and boobs because sexy-sexy He's just gonna track me down all the way to the next local Nerf War and just make a point to totally own my ass isn't he? Cozi all the way. I really like her as an actress and this DCOM doesn't change anything about that.

Extra Thoughts:

 - fun fact: I actually got to interact with Cozi during a Periscope! She even answered my question! (it was about Debby of course and what it was like to work with her on Mighty Med).

 - If Marlowe (or anybody) wants to really bring on literal hurt onto me at the next Nerf War I'm at, I suggest a Caliburn.

 - This is a bit after the fact I know and...I'm kind of drunk, but...it just occurred to me that one of the reasons why I liked Cozi especially when she was on Disney Channel with the long hair is...she kind of reminds me of my ex-fiancee, even more than Debby (a lot more actually).

Yeah that's creepy I know I'll stop.

Elementary Reviewed: Uncanny Valley of the Dolls (S6E16)

...in keeping with the strict tradition of this blog, this episode doesn't deserve to get quoted.

What is it? 44-minute single-cam crime/procedural drama
Where did it air? CBS
Who stars in it? Lucy Liu (yes that one, the one and only) and Jaime Lee Miller, ex-husband of Angelina Jolie (no the one before Billy Bob Thornton) as Watson and Holmes.
Why are we reviewing this?:

...because I'm pretty sure this episode is just about the cringiest thing the FCC and Ajit Pai would currently allow on broadcast TV.

...and keep in mind, Ajit Pai's favorite hobby is to dress up like Santa Claus off-season.

Just a reminder, it was Barack Obama who put this man into office. For some reason.

This episode revolves around a sex doll solving the case (hence the name). Yes, it's just as cringey as you think it is, hence why I opened up with that.

...there really isn't anything worth left saying for this individual episode so I'm going to talk about the series as a whole.

I've been watching this show more or less from the beginning, sporadically, with my parents and especially dad who are (more or less) really into it. Going back to my ratings scale it's a pretty consistent C-, and the very definition of a C- show according to that scale. Actually I guess strictly speaking its average would be lower since a C- is I think the highest score this show would ever hope to achieve, and while I don't feel like this show's ever delved into F-territory, it's had some episodes that I feel justify D-range.

This would be one of them.

Many of the problems of this show - yes including the cringe factor, but some pretty glaring factual errors that while not shocking are pretty, well, glaring and give me the impression that the writing and fact-checking staff can't even be bothered to cross-reference freakin' Wikipedia when they write these episodes. Indeed at times it feels like most of their knowledge base and information is coming either from Alex Freakin' Jones or Gizmodo Media, depending on the political leanings of whoever happens to be writing the episode (and yeah it does vary that widely, and yes that is very much a huge dig at Gizmodo Media). It doesn't matter if it's medical science, astrophysics (even relatively simple astrophysics), far-out future science or even the science of criminology - not to mention just the basic legal system itself, knowledge reduced to tropes that anybody watching exactly this kind of show would've learned by now from, again, exactly this kind of show - but some of the logical leaps and conclusions get...pretty far-out there. 

This show's been bounced around a bit - originally having some pretty sweet primetime slots on CBS, it's since been moved to Monday, and then all the way to Sunday which is the absolute kiss of death even compared to Friday - this is where you dump shows you make only because of contractual obligations at this point - but then back again to Monday.

...as a summer burn-off. Which, again, is what you do when you're stuck with a show pretty much due strictly to contractual obligations.

...which are pretty much in full-force here because apparently at this point this show's half-funded by Czech television interests? Apparently this show is like hotcakes over there, who knew?

But thanks to that foreign intervention this is pretty much the show that will not die. Oh believe me, CBS gave it plenty of opportunity - it's been in decent time slots for at least the first three seasons - but ratings have eroded to the point where last year it was the lowest rated series on the entire network.

So, um, yeah.

Episode Grade: D-. This was...cringe, while not really offering anything above that other than some pretty paint-by-numbers procedural stuff.
Episode MVP: The female grad student who ended up doing the murder at the end (oh sorry spoiler alert) just because I thought she was the hottest. So there.

This episode doesn't deserve having Episode MVP awarded for legitimate reasons.

Series Grade: D-, keeping in mind that this is an across-the-board average but also keeping in mind that the highest this show's ever achieved is a C-, maybe a flat-C. According to my own grading scale...this is something I should've gave up on years ago.

...and all those years ago it would've been a C-, something worth watching when I catch it but not something really deserving of going out of the way to watch (and indeed I missed huge chunks of various seasons). 

But I think the move to Burn-Off Land pretty much says all there needs to be said about it.

Extra Thoughts

 - actually I just about had given up on the show permanently except...right around that time (2013, which if you know me at all is a pretty critical year for me), they introduced a subplot where Liu's Watson was temporarily replaced by a pretty redhead who was trying to overcome trauma from being raped and trying to seek revenge for it.

...yeah that subplot has absolutely no ability for me to be able to relate to it at all.

 - yeah this is my first "post-coming-out-as-at-least-questioning [hypersexual lesbian] trans" review. Deal with it.

 - yes the "hypersexual lesbian" part is important too. Deal with it.

 - Even though I myself am the proud owner of a Rampage, I can so totally take on Ajit with my (TWIN!) Rotofuries and especially muh freakin' HyperFire.

Hell I can probably take him on with my Buzz Bee Double Shot which is more than even mildly a POS:

It’s drunk blogging time! Plus I've made up my mind what my trans name will be

Ok real truth time I’m typing this while drunk (although that was a while ago, I think most of the drunkeness has worn off already. Or maybe not).

I tried doing this on my phone since I was too lazy (and drunk) to try to get my laptop, but it's friggin' impossible to actually do a Blogger post on your phone. FUCK YOU BLOGGER!

But anyway...ugh, I feel like now that the drunkeness has worn off so had a lot of what I wanted to say today. But I'll try anyway.

I guess...I mean...to address what I had been addressing lately. 

I mean...with absolutely all apologies to Marlowe Percival but...it's really, really triggering to see such a beautiful woman just casually toss away all that beauty that God/nature/whatever gave her. But I mean, like, at the same time...it did kind of make me realize that if I really wanted all that why not just take that cast-away beauty and claim it for myself?

Ok, that sounds wrong.

Ok so maybe I'm still drunk.

I don't know. Maybe I said it about as eloquently as I can the last few times.

But I can't get over how...I'm sorry it really is just such a shock to me that such a beautiful woman can be...not a woman anymore. I mean, I've been so obsessed with all this beauty and femininity that's been assigned to women, and I really do think that's a major contributor (or other way around?) with my own transgender issues. As a male in my current body I really, really don't feel worthy of all that. I don't know what do you think?

This is...probably going to take a while and a lot of repetition to express properly. 

I've just been kind of going around the past few days in kind of a daze and well, I think a distraction is really worthy and necessary here.

So I bought $50 worth of Nerf blasters!

Yeah I managed to do it after all!

I got TWO Mavericks, a Retaliator, a Rampage, and a bunch of other stuff! But I feel the real prizes of my haul are TWO Rotofuries, a Barricade, and a MOTHERFUCKING HYPERFIRE!

...and I have to admit...all this stuff actually does kinda make me happy!

I don't know what it is but it's just that...the Nerf stuff really appeals to my STEM side. The whole modding and even DIY/Maker blaster community is just awesome.

That's all I can really think of right now.

OH, and I've decided what my trans name will be! I've put a lot of thought into this, literally years - really, this isn't just some fly-by-night thing, and this is something I've legitimately struggled with. But then in a sudden flash of brilliance my trans name finally came to me, and at this point I absolutely possibly couldn't be any happier about it (unless like someone just dropped a Nerf Infinus into my lap.

Or a FormLabs Form2 SLA 3D printer with lots and lots of high-quality PETG filament.

Or a 1973 Camaro SS.

Or a really, really hot girlfriend).

So, here we go...

*drumroll*


...it's Ray.

Yup, the name I already have. Except instead of being short for Raymond, the -mond part won't exist anymore. Ray will all there will be.

Hey if we can have girls named Teddy and Ryan I can't see why we can't have a girl named Ray.

Personal Blog Update #2 now, uh, I guess...the first two days after and how I turned $50 worth of Nerf blasters into $5 worth of Nerf blasters!

So yeah, we're still taking a detour from our regular review schedule to cover, uhh...things.

I promise I'll try not to make this a regular thing but...

So yeah. I didn't get much sleep the night I last posted here. In some ways I feel kinda worse but in other ways I feel...better? I mean, I do feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulder.

I have to admit, for the first time in...well probably forever as far as I'm concerned, I feel a lot less focused externally and a lot less focused on women in particular, whether they be women who feel like they're really men or women in general, and I feel a lot more focused on...myself.

It's nice to really, or at least start, the whole process of not really feeling so compelled to think that I need to attach my own self-worth and self-value to someone else. 

And I've noticed that even my thinking and how I perceive myself has changed. I've...well. I'm gonna stick with the he/him/his pronouns for now but...I've really started thinking of myself as, well, female now. Or at least a visualization of it. 

A big side-effect is that I've been going around feeling kind of numb. I don't really feel like I'm occupying my own body anymore but that I'm remotely controlling it from a location I myself isn't even aware of. It's created some IRL issues. My coordination and self-awareness is all eff'd the hell up now.

That's gonna end up being a problem. In fact it pretty much already has.

And make no mistake, it's going to be years before I feel ready to truly identify as female, if I ever do. There's tons of counseling and medical consultation, not to mention I'll really, really need to move out from my parents first since they're deeply transphobic.

Oh, and I also reacted to this whole issue of trans in...pretty much exactly the way I've always suspected I would.

I pretended that this whole thing wasn't a thing at all and I concentrated on this whole Nerfing thing I suddenly got randomly into.

I was gonna buy $50 worth of Nerf blasters but...eh, the drive was long and it just didn't feel right so I turned around.

And then I ran into a garage sale where a girl was going off to college and was selling her Recon Mk I (pictured) and a Triad.

Pictured: Obligatory Le Jolt Reskin

As it turns out she was the only girl on her block and in order to play with the boys, she got some Nerf blasters. I thought that was a pretty neat story, but either way as you can tell I bought them all the same (along with some darts, natch).

But yeah, I so totally am going to go out all intent to buy $50 worth of blasters and yet only come home with 10% of that value because, being Ray, that's what I do, because....

Anyway I'm going to try to do it over again and yes try to buy $50 worth of Nerf blasters from someone who lives much, much closer. Even $50 is a lot to me when I'm still scheduled to start working soon and probably should be saving up to get a place of my own but...eh. Besides it includes TWO Rotofuries and a HYPERFIRE! That's a way better deal than the other deal I was pursuing! Some of the stuff I might try to recoup through reselling in turn but meh.

...but the larger point I'm trying to get at is that, I think it's probably helpful for me especially right now to have a few hobbies/recreational activities that can distract me away from what I'm relying on for now.

Well as it just so happens to be "what I'm relying on right now" is pretty much what I do for this blog - reading and watching, um, "children's media" (ugh, there's a guy who more or less coined that term in the context I use it and he just gives me the willies). 

I mean it's all well and fine but...I mean, watching TV and especially reading books really isn't all that great of a distraction from this issue. Thinking about other people just...bothers me right now. Especially with all the LGBTQ+ and especially trans fiction that's super-popular in YA right now. You'd think that'd be super-helpful, but especially since most of it seems to focus on FtM for some reason right now...it kinda makes me want to punch people in the face so...maybe another distraction for now.

I guess this one girl who I was crazy obsessed with in high school was right when she said I needed to focus on inanimate things more (BTW she kinda turned out to be meh so no big loss). But yeah, maybe something that brings out the more STEM-focused creative side of me (remember, former aerospace!) rather than story-ish creative things.

Extra Thoughts:

 - in my last post I posted an out-of-date picture of the Northeast Designs Corp Chimera foam dart blaster and that bothers me so I'm gonna post the current, "production" version straight from their Facebook:

We interrupt this Freaky Friday review for something completely different and...very important and personal....

...*le sigh* it's times like this I regret abandoning the veil of anonymity I had....

...I'm not even kidding when I say...this is probably one of the two most difficult posts I've ever bothered to post on this blog, at the very least (and really, out of good taste I won't bring up the subject matter of the other one but...I can talk about that later or link to it in another blog post). I'm struggling to figure out how to say what I want to say and express my feelings not only as unambiguously as possible but to be as respectful as possible, and try to talk about very serious LGBTQ+ issues and identity and really, really hope this doesn't come off the wrong way (worst case scenario: people think I'm transphobic) and...really, really come out (words intended) about my own identity.

Also you're all probably wondering what the actual hell does this have to do with Freaky Friday?

I've been trying to do a number of things to prepare this blog and just...things...that allowed a billion thoughts to leak out of my brain and I'm just scrambling to catch them all and yeah if you're a regular reader of this blog (waves to all two of you!) you'll know that in my case in blog writing, reviews and just things in general failure is generally the go-to. Of course a lot of it's just a delaying tactic because I'm feeling my heart racing from anxiety and feelings and...just...

...well, I'll just get to it.

So you probably got that the picture has something to do with this - this is the character "Kitty" who plays the best friend to the mean girl "Savannah" in Freaky Friday (I'm pretty sure none of this qualifies as spoilers). And I mean...she's freaking gorgeous.

No, really. I've been talking about it to a number of friends on DM (none of whom actually bother to read this blog... ◔_◔ ) and they...don't seem to follow along with me but really I honestly think Kitty might be the most gorgeous woman (or at least fictional character) in network history and I'm like, immediately smitten. She's got all the right curves and a perfect body and exactly the type of dimples Ariana Grande literally has to delude herself into thinking she has which means I guess Gabby DiMartino will be watching this DCOM over and over again very closely to try to match those same dimples too.

I can go on and on like this. But the thing is, "Kitty" is a fiction.

Oh yeah, I know, she's a fictional character. Some of you might think, well, you're smitten with the actual actress then. Well, that's the thing because...if you're going to use gender-based separation between actresses and actors, then Kitty is played by an actor.

A male actor.

"Kitty" as a female is a fiction. She only exists in this movie.

...yeah that came out more confusing than I thought but I think you get the point.

The actor's name used to be Sarah Willey, apparently, but he goes by Percival Marlowe now. I don't care I think she's still damn fucking hot in Freaky Friday and I would so totally tap that...to, um, use that parlance.

But that's not the difficult, deeply personal thing I want to talk about right now. This is a...really coming out moment for me in more ways than one and...it's not just about one thing either. If you only bother to glace over and don't read the whole thing or if I just fail to communicate, you might come under the impression that I'm actually very transphobic.

But the thing is is that...to be deeply truthful here, I am deeply transphobic.

But the whole reason why is because...I am transgender myself.

And this is literally the first time I've said this. I haven't shared this to my parents or any friends or even mental health professionals. I've had internal thoughts, and I'm sharing these words on my blog. I have yet to even utter any actual words admitting this.

But yeah I bet I'm just confusing the shit out of you all, but I wanted to get that out of the way to explain why...I feel like I might also be transphobic.

Maybe I should use an analogy of that old parable of the grass is always greener on the other side. See, you have this one person - it's not productive to single out anybody even just for an example so let's call this person...Example Woman. Example Woman happens to be very beautiful but she's transgender and wants to be a man.

Then you have a second person. This person greatly admires Example Woman. He's very captivated and smitten by Example Woman. This man thinks he's in love with Example Woman, is sexually attracted to her and yes wants to have sex with her. When Example Woman transitions, this second person is very disappointed because he thinks a very beautiful person has now ceased to exist. But it's not just the physical beauty - it's the femininity of Example Woman that this second person misses because that's wasn't just what was attractive to this person, but what attracted this person - this person didn't just fall in love with Example Woman's beautiful and femininity, he envied it, because he wanted that beauty and femininity too. He didn't just want to experience that beauty and femininity second-hand as a romantic and sexual partner with Example Woman, but he wanted to experience it first-hand because he is male-to-female transgender, and he can't understand why someone so gorgeous and beautiful and feminine would just throw away exactly what he's been pining for his literal entire life since his earliest memories.

We'll go ahead and give this person an actual name, whom we'll call Ray because this second person isn't a theoretical its' goddamn fucking me, all right?

And this is exactly why the subject of female-to-male transition is very hard for me to accept, because...well, I think the analogy up there does a good job explaining it. 

Or if you want another one, imagine if your neighbor has a shiny, I dunno, Ferrari that you've always wanted your entire life, but they sell it in favor of a Lamborghini that you don't much care about, but you're left wondering, why would anybody sell a Ferrari and also, why couldn't that person give it to you?

UPDATE: After showing this post to a few friends on DM we've had a conversation and they actually brought up something that very simply gets to what I'm getting at without all this gobblygook:

I think about and obsess all the time about what my life would be like if I was born a woman - and despite all the crap women have to put up with, I think I would still be much, much happier born a woman.

I want to like who I see when I look at myself in the mirror, and being male absolutely doesn't do that for me.

That said...like I said, even though both of the feelings expressed in those statements are very strong all the time...it goes in and out. I don't know if I'm...really transgender.

I dunno if any of this is working, but...there you go.

And...I don't totally entirely identify as trans but...it goes in and out. A lot if not most of the time it's...I would hardly call it nil but I wouldn't call it a lot either. A bunch of other times it's...a damn fucking lot. Like...

...well maybe the best way I can put it is that in addition to wanting to tap Kitty/Marlowe up there really really bad, when I found out Marlowe is trans it made me want to put on a wig and see if there's some chance little old ugly imperfect me can be that pretty, too.

And I'll go ahead and throw out there that when I had testicular cancer (in case anybody new reads this, no this is not the other hard subject I've talked about on this blog, beleive it or not), I saw it as a sign that maybe I should transition. But, I don't know. Everytime I think I get real serious about it...it just doesn't feel right.

And...I still feel very intensely sexually attracted to women. I don't think that's ever going to change. I mean that's pretty much what spurred this whole coming out in the first place. Does that make me a lesbian? I don't know.

So there you go. We have a really hot girl and, um, whatever mess this is.

Maybe I just need a girlfriend.

Please feel free to comment. No filtering or censorship or deleting will take place, just get it all out (that's our typical policy anyway)

Extra Thoughts

- So we actually have another first here, congratulations to Kitty/Marlowe for being the first image this blog uses created with this newfangled stupid effin' 3D Paint thing that I really, really hate with a passion because it's hard to use, but Microsoft had to get rid of all the familiarity of original MS Paint because...

I mean I would ask why can't they just make things just stay the same but...given the literal entire subject of this post that feels very awkward to say now.

 - I had some other thoughts that were pretty deep (and not so deep) but they escape me now. I guess that's to be expected.

 - ANDI MACK STILL SUCKS I AM STILL GIVING UP ON THAT SHOW I AM STILL NOT GOING TO REVIEW IT and...I mean I would go on about how I wish Season 1 didn't change because it was better but...yeah. I'mma gonna shut the fuck up now.

 - Ok something where I don't keep awkwardly looping back to transgender issues I am very psyched about I Am Frankie tomorrow, which I consider one of the best shows period from last year. I really love you guys over at Cinemat. Loved you since the Every Witch Way Days.

...that still sounds like I'm giving stealth-commentary on trans issues, damnit.

 - So I sent this blog post to Marlowe himself (along with still perving on him because...see the image macro with good ole' General Bison there above) and used plenty of hashtags so there's a chance this post could blow up although, as I again explained to Marlowe, the cold hard truth of reality has taught me that statistically I have a greater chance of winning the Powerball...one hundred times in a row. But just in case...

I JUST FINISHED WRITING A BOOK PLEASE PROMOTE ME BLAH BLAH SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION WHEE!
Yeah I still have more than enough shame to turn even something as serious as this into self-promotion, so sue me (please don't I have no money Blogger pays me nothing).

 - Oh Shit I Forgot I ALSO HAVE A SECOND BLOG PLEASE VISIT AND PROMOTE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT ONE TOO WHEE!!

And yes my latest article in that blog is defending two young women accused of trying to become Chick Harris and Klebold but...it's not that simple and needless to say that's a completely different topic (which, well, it literally is, on my other blog). But do read that piece when it'll be run at my alma mater! Actually what my alma mater guys just told me is that if I'm going to be begging for attention here on my stupid Nickelodeon and Disney Channel blog by pulling stupid stunts like perving/creeping on transgender people and pretending they're still women, I better pull that stuff off my other blog until publication date. It's not so much the stupid-ass creeper stunts I'm pulling on this blog as so much as just drawing attention to an article that's not even supposed to be out yet.

But I can go back to my normal routine of creepy dumbassery once it's published! :D

...for the like five of you who will bother reading this (Hi Marlowe hopefully! p.s. I still think you're an ultra-hottie ( ˘ ³˘)♥ unless you think I'm just coming off as a total creep now in which case I don't blame you and I promise I'll stop)

- This whole time I was so self-centered I completely spaced out on, like, we totally have a second person who writes on this blog too! Hi Mike! Wave to the nice new non-existent people because I'm delusional and making up new readership statistics in my head! :D

 - So here's some...way after-the-fact additions and updates *waves to the two people I knew were going to read this and...pretty much the only ones, yup*. In my, uh, first draft of this I guess I forgot to mention that I actually know some transgender friends myself (also male-to-female, I've actually yet to meet any female-to-male ones) and I DM'd one of them (the one I can get ahold of the soonest) a link to this blog (although...I did briefly mention some other circumstances with Shipping Wars are Stupid down below in the comments). Anyway, another thing I forgot to mention is that, along with my love of all things tween/teen entertainment including Nickelodeon, Disney Channel and Young Adult (which of course is what this blog primarily caters to) and along with various STEM things like what I still have left lingering after I left the engineering world (whee!) is that...I suddenly have a very sudden, very random interest in Nerf and other foam dart launchers (NOT guns, foam dart launchers we take the distinction very seriously in the Nerf community).
So yeah. 

Anyway, to bring this back *on-topic* I just want to say that I've always really, really loved the Nerf Rebelle line (it's the one insultingly "focus marketed" towards girls) for the pretty lines and colors and just the fact that it's so damn girly

.

...except I really, really hate the CornerSite because I swear to Freaking God all they did was hot-glue the cheapest looking toy-grade compact mirror they could find onto the side of a blaster and went yeah sure all the Katniss Everdeen and Kim Possible wannabees out there will fucking wet themselves over this thing! and called it a day:

I also hate the Power Pair blasters because...I again swear to Freaking God, and this is just me obviously, but...to me it looks like fucking dildos that underwent the obligatory Jolt reskin:

...I really don't know what it is but they just make me feel very, very uncomfortable from a visual standpoint.

...actually now that I look at it that fourth blaster I posted up there looks like a dildo turned into a literal girl's toy (in more ways than one I guess, tee hee) too.

Anyway my whole point being is that one of these days I'm looking to plop down serious money (like, $200 worth which is $200 more than I will probably ever, ever have in my life) on one of these bad boys:

...but have them be painted up in a cross between the Nerf Rebelle colors and something that tastefully (i.e., doesn't just blatantly ripoff) Jangular's Fabulous colors:

As for why such expensive blasters that you have to 3D print yourself (or have someone else do it) and is still expensive and unless you really know what you're doing when 3D printing or willing to put in a lot of manhours (or I guess I should say peoplehours with the whole...you know, me coming out as transgender and as someone disgusted with the male body they're trapped in) to put in a desired fit and finish won't even match the finish of a $29.99 Stryfe you can buy off Amazon...it's an operating thing.

If you're not #Operator$tatus you wouldn't understand.

...and yeah that was just a long-ass convoluted excuse to post a Coop video, so sue me (again don't I have no money and I need it to pay for ridiculously expensive literal toy foam dart blasters and after that, graduate school debt, in that clearly prioritized order). But seriously Captain_Slug's Caliburn and Northeast Design Corp's Chimera are amazing pieces of engineering that I am just as much as in love with as I am...uhhh...what's a not-awkward, not-possibly-transphobic way to say this...can I just say Kitty's curves? Can I refer to her as separate from Marlowe or can I like say "when he had curves" or like what do I do because I don't want to make it seem like I just want to force Marlowe back to being a woman for my own extremely selfish prurient benefit.

Yeah I don't know what the fuck I'm doing still. Enjoy some Coop videos:

 - ...I also really, really love American Girl dolls and always have ever since they were a thing and I obsessively subscribe to and watch American Girl doll related channels on YouTube, long before and even more than I do Nerf. There, I said it.

 - On that note it's always been a dream of mine to come out with a line of "empathy dolls" for boys that I would hope would teach them more about what it's like to properly and respectfully socially interact with girls and women but...I think that's just gonna remain a pipe dream forever as I figure out what the hell does all that even mean. Maybe I'll elaborate that on a future post (or not since like the two of you who've already read this post are the only ones who are gonna).