It's mid-late evening in early October, on a Sunday no less; I am cold, I am bored, Disney Channel is showing endless reruns, I have a huge migraine and in a misguided effort to self-cure said migraine, I am drunk.
So it's time to do a mass run-down of shows I find disappointing!
Big City Greens
What is it? The most obnoxious show on mainline Disney Channel right now. Pretty much their version of Spongebob
Where did it air? Umm...Disney Channel.
Who stars in it? Some voice actors? I dunno I have a headache and I am drunk.
Why are we reviewing this? I dunno, I have a headache and I am drunk.
So Spongey444, the man behind the excellent blog (except when he reviews Big City Greens), apparently likes this show.
After what has to be well into its second season now...yeah I've come to the conclusion that I can't stand it.
People Watching is the only episode of the entire series I like, probably because it speaks directly to my writing instincts. Other than that...it's about a insufferable brat and some periphery of his other family (who also have a tendency to act like brats, adults included if not especially), and that's it, as far as I'm concerned.
When I say that this is Disney Channel's Spongebob, I really mean it. For starters it totally dominates the schedule; you turn on your TV, especially during daytime hours and there's a damn good chance Disney Channel will have BCG. But it also seems to have basically the same style of humor. I can't really get into Spongebob - more than anything I honestly find it extremely boring. And honestly, all the brattiness of the main characters aside, I also find BCG to be...fundamentally boring.
Yet at the same time this show is clearly popular, and there's no doubt about Spongebob's popularity. It has a Broadway musical show, for crying out loud, something I actually want to see (and just a bit of trivia, it has Thunderman's Mrs. Wong as...is it Karen? Eh I don't remember which character she plays whatever. But I feel Karen is a damn good guess. She just strikes me as the type of person you'd cast as Karen if you're gonna cast her in a Spongebob musical). But...I just can't get into it.
That isn't to say there aren't episodes I don't like. I actually really liked the Spongebob anniversary special, at least the parts above water (the party planning parts felt unnecessary and tacked on just to make the episode an extended special). In fact there's a ton of episodes I like. I don't think I watched a boat driving episode with Mrs. Pufferfish I didn't like, that's when the show shows its strengths. And Mr. Krabs-centric episodes, probably because IRL my personality has a dangerously close resemblance to Mr. Krabs (greed is a hellava sin, yo). But say...6 times out of 10, I just find myself being bored and really regretting, at the very least, not watching another network.
Fortunately for Nickelodeon, chances are Disney Channel's counter-programming is probably BCG which if you don't get it by now, I think is even worse. It's going to boil down to a personal taste thing, and clearly I am in an extreme minority here - and because of that it's hard for me to quantify any objective reasons why I don't like it - but I'm just going to have to say, I don't like it. 9 times out of 10, if I do have it on, it's just to act as background noise when I'm doing something and I just don't want a completely quiet house, and at least I can rely on Disney Channel to be inoffensive as background noise, BCG included (and during the hours when I want this, it's almost always a toss-up between this and Spongebob, and BCG usually wins if only because, only being in its second season, it does come off as fresher).
Series Grade: C-. Keep in mind this is extremely subjective and, very clearly, I'm in a slim minority here.
Series MVP: *shrug* I dunno, I don't care. H Jon Benjamin, because H Jon Benjamin (and I'm claiming this as legitimate because I swear he's in the Cricket Calls shorts, uncredited.
BTW I actually love the Cricket Calls shorts. Go figure).
Hunter Street
What is it? Single-Cam 24-minute format KidCom with some drama trappings, produced as English-language programming with largely native English speakers (either American or British, for the most part) but by a Dutch studio, on location in the Netherlands. Go figure.
Where did it air? Haha, that's actually the interesting part. But the simple answer is Nickelodeon (the Dutch studio that produces it in the first place literally is Nickelodeon Netherlands). But although it was originally scheduled to air on mainline Nickelodeon...it got booted to TeenNick (which is available in HD in select parts of Burbank near where most Nickelodeon's live-action shows are produced and...absolutely nowhere else) even before the scheduled season premiere (which means for 99.98% of all viewers it's possible to view it in HD only through Nickelodeon's super-annoying app).
And after going through this experience, I can see why.
Who stars in it? Although most of the actors are actually American citizens with a few select British ones (like Jake's actor, most notably)...well let's face it you're not going to get many recognizable names in a production like this, even by typical Nickelodeon/Disney Channel KidCom standards.S3
So yeah. Hunter Street wasn't exactly perfect to begin with but at least it was passable entertainment. I gave S1 a C+. S2 was...worse in some areas, but better than others (the addition of Jake was a pretty good plus, he's a legit good actor), evening out to the same C+ score.
S3 was...a great big A.N.T. Farm S3/Jessie S4-style crash straight into the ground leaving nothing recognizable but a giant smoking impact crater.
It starts off agonizingly slow, with the Hunters stuck in a B&B in the middle of the forest for way, way too many episodes (it's not even haunted, despite how much the show wants to fake out how it is). Way too many of these episodes are too focused on the Hunters going around in circles over the same damn clues culminating into far too few mysteries. And an ending way too freakin' pat and predictable, to the point where I haven't even seen the last two or three episodes and guess what, I'm not ever bother going to.
See above image for reference. Except instead of just not understanding WTF is going on...there's nothing going on.
As I understand it it was basically down to whether or not to renew this show or I Am Frankie for S3 - it was an either-or choice as mandated by the parent network, much like what happened pretty much exactly 6 years ago between The Thundermans and The Haunted Hathaways. And unlike that time - after seeing some S2 Hathaways episodes and...yeah I think they made the right call choosing Thundermans, they so didn't make the right call this time. I Am Frankie will be sorely missed and this was a stinker of a season.
Season Grade: A flat D. I'm pretty much obliged to give this grade if I can't even finish out the freakin' season.
Season MVP: ...so this is going to be very awkward and controversial, especially since the vast, vast majority of my professional writing outside of this blog is very specifically and explicitly pro-feminist and pro-#MeToo. Hell I go out of my way to incorporate pro-feminist and pro-#MeToo material on this freakin' blog, all the time, and not the least of which using this very blog as a means of publicly coming out as transgender.
...and yet that said I use the Episode MVP award all the time to give it to actresses for no other reason than I just find them extremely pretty. Usually because, honestly, there's nothing provided in the actual acting, or at least overall quality, of the show to award it legitimately. But I'm forced to recognize that awarding Episode MVP on the basis of who happens to be the hottest...isn't exactly the most feminist.
On the other hand I have met people who have told me that there's nothing wrong with awarding MVP along these lines. That, yes, acknowledging a woman's beauty can be feminist. I just wish I had a definitive answer or - let's face it, what I'm really looking for is a means to rationalize objectifying women while still claiming some (false) legitimacy to a feminist card. But I'd really like to know what my readership thinks.
You know, all three of you.
But anyway, Season MVP goes to Sarah Nauta (Jasmyn) because (and you can see this coming from all my rambling) OMG she's freakin' gorgeous.
She is by far the best looking of the main cast across any of the seasons. Although I might be biased because she really does look like a girl I had a major crush on back in high school (you know, because I didn't make this creepy enough as it is). Also she's 21, so yeah, legitimately, no pedo (ewww, just saying that gives me the creeps though.
And yet, I still did it.)
Honestly some mention of MVP should go to Wilson Radjou-Puljante since I think he's the most legitimately talented, or at least I enjoyed his screen presence the most (aside from creepy eye-candy factor). But it seemed like the show went out of its way to boot him off which...is definitely contributing to its D score.
Also I want to mention Thirsa van Til (Rex Legend's assistant) because...yeah she's also super-pretty. And the makeup artist that did Erik's makeup (in-show, so an actual actress not literally a makeup artist although for all I know she's the show's actual makeup artist, she didn't have any speaking lines) because she's even prettier than Sarah and Thirsa. Combined, even.
And the really pretty redhead that got beat up by Frankie, Andrew and what's her face at the very last episode of I Am Frankie because she's really pretty, and also she got beat up by three androids so I have to show some props or appreciation for putting up with that. And I miss I Am Frankie. And cute redheads.
Yeah that's enough creepiness perviness for this writeup.
Pup Academy
What is it? 24-minute live-action single-cam kidcom. With talking animals. Yup, it can only be from Air Bud productions!
Where did it air? Disney Channel
Who stars in it? Ummm, a bunch of talking dogs? Oh and some humans too. But seriously I don't know who and I'm too lazy to look it up.
This...is just too damn kiddie for me. Hard pass.
Series Grade: C-
Series MVP: Meh
Finding Dory
What is it? It's...Finding Dory, I'm pretty sure you know the particulars of this one.
...you know what, I'm just going to say it got hit with massive sequelitis.
Movie Grade: eh
