The Thundermans Reviewed: The Thunder Games

The time has come.

No. If you're looking at this review, you don't need to adjust your eyes. The review of the Thundermans series finale has finally arrived after months of delays and anticipation. You wanted it, you prayed for it, you demanded it. And now, in the final days of 2018, you're getting it.

Okay, none of that actually happened but you know where I'm going with this. This review has been a long time coming. You might recall back in May that I announced that I was going to review the last five episodes of The Thundermans, including the series finale right here. The other four episodes preceding it would become mini-reviews. Because Nickelodeon needed to get this show off the air as quickly as possible, they decided to burn off the remaining episodes in one night on May 25, and the one-hour series finale didn't even air at 8:00, but at 8:30. I mocked this decision at the time, especially since all these episodes were coming on Friday night, and Thundermans episodes traditionally aired on Saturday nights. To make matters worse, Nickelodeon aired all the final episodes in reruns the very next night, using the same model I suggested with "The Thunder Games" starting at 8:00 like it should have. So, yeah. The scheduling here will always be ridiculous in my mind.

Anyway, my plan was to write a review of the series finale first and then a further review about the current state of Nickelodeon since the show was leaving. That further review is definitely more necessary now than it was in May. However, I started putting it on hold for no apparent reason. Procrastination took control of me, days became weeks, weeks became months, and now, we're here. One thing I wanted to do sooner rather than later was to review this episode before it was too late. I'm just happy it aired on TeenNick the other day and I was scrolling through channels at just the right time to record it. Since the episode came a week ago, you could call it a Christmas miracle.

By the way, happy new year, everybody. Maybe 2019 will be less disgusting than the last couple years.

I decided not to review the last four episodes and just focus on the series finale. In May, it would have been a nice tie-in. Now, I don't really see the point, especially since this show is not serialized. Anyway, here we go. "The Thunder Games" review is underway.

So, the main story here is that Phoebe and Max have reached the final round of Z-Force training and end up winning a spot. However, the Z-Force commander Dirk Trumbo doesn't want both of them because they don't share a twin power, making them the exact same superhero. Dirk makes the two compete against each other for the spot. Meanwhile, it is revealed that Dr. Colosso has a long-lost son competing for a Z-Force spot named Balfour, otherwise known as "The Gamer" (played by Joey Bragg from Liv & Maddie). When he loses to Phoebe and Max, Balfour seeks revenge on the Thundermans for turning his father into a bunny.

Okay, now what can I really say here? The one thing I liked about The Thundermans is that unlike a lot of other live-action kids shows, it was able to have genuinely dramatic moments without it feeling jarring or out of place. Emotional scenes actually had an impact when they needed to. However, in this episode, I feel like the drama the show usually brings to the table isn't here. Balfour isn't a convincing villain at all, and I almost feel like that's the point. This episode should be about Phoebe and Max, and by extension, the entire Thunderman family. But having to create a new character, give him a backstory, tie him in with the family somehow, and then have him get his revenge while Phoebe and Max are trying to get into the Z-Force feels like too much for one episode, even if it is two parts. A storyline like that could have been its own episode, and it's not like "The Thunder Games" needed it. It feels contrived and a little forced. Like I said, The Thundermans has succeeded with drama before, but this time, it felt unnecessary to have when the main story was enough to justify it.

Another thing that brought this episode down was the clash of different tones. At least until the end, it felt like I couldn't take anything seriously. Balfour was so comical, so cartoonish with what he was doing that none of it really struck a chord with me. Like I said, a story about Dr. Colosso teaming up with his long-lost son to destroy the Thundermans, and Colosso having trouble with taking out Max because he felt like more of a son than Balfour did, could have been its own one-hour episode. Maybe it has to do with who was cast. Joey Bragg is funny here to an extent, but you can tell that they wanted him to be silly when the episode should have called for him to be more serious. Now, I'm over here thinking that this is how Joey normally acted on Liv & Maddie.

However, if I can give this episode any credit, it's to the scene where Phoebe and Max discover their twin power. The scene is dramatic in a way that some of the best Thundermans episodes have been, and the actors really sell the horrors of being lobotomized. Chris Tallman normally had to be comedic in the series, but some of his best moments as Hank were when things got serious. Like when he told Max that there was no turning back if he went down the villainous path, or right here in this episode when he tells his family that they're all going down together. It becomes genuinely emotional for a moment. It finally feels like the characters were taking the situation seriously, and from that point forward, the episode became much better. Unfortunately, it was near the end so it improved a little bit too late.

In the end, the episode was satisfying enough that I feel like the series went out strong. Phoebe and Max were chosen to lead the Z-Force (renamed as the T-Force for Thunderman) after Dirk was fired and turned into a coffee gofer. The entire Thunderman family gets hired by Phoebe and Max to join the T-Force, officially making them all superheroes. The ending actually brings the series full-circle: The family moved to Hiddenville for a normal life, but five years later, their normal life was what they were trying to run away from the whole time.

The Thundermans arrived at a time when Nickelodeon was in a transitional period. iCarly, Victorious, and Big Time Rush had all ended within a year, and those shows had anchored the network in the early 2010s. Shows like How to Rock barely lasted a minute on the network. This was around the time where Nickelodeon was treating its live-action programming like a fire sale, getting rid of any shows that were breathing. The Thundermans was able to avoid that mentality and become the top show on Nickelodeon in less than a year, mostly because of mediocre competition and other potential shows not even being given a chance to survive. You could say that it helped anchor the network in the mid-2010s the same way its predecessors did a few years prior. In the end, it was able to maintain a consistent quality and entertain me, so while it was far from what Nickelodeon made in its glory days, or even a few years before its premiere, it might be the last decent live-action show that the network produces for quite some time.

Then again, I Am Frankie is still taking up space on my DVR and I might want to review it at some point, so we'll see how much my previous statement holds up.

Episode Grade: B-
Episode MVP: Kira Kosarin and Jack Griffo. The series started with them, and ended with them. It was their show from the beginning, and they were the ones that gave Phoebe and Max their own little charm as a contrast to other characters Nickelodeon has had in the last few years. I'm not going to be emotional, but it was a damn good run from these two.
Series MVP: Kira Kosarin and Jack Griffo

EXTRA THOUGHTS 
-I always wondered why they never changed the intro, even after Billy and Nora got noticeably older. Phoebe and Max also look slightly older than they did in the pilot episode, but I guess they were easier to get away with.

-Now that I mention Billy, Diego Velazquez's voice sounded like it went through reverse puberty in this episode. I say this because Billy sounds closer to what he sounded like in the earlier seasons than he has in season four. Did the producers digitally alter his voice? He definitely sounds younger here.

-I always thought it was funny how the characters made such a big deal about Max's "swoosh" haircut. Like it was a part of his identity.

-Now that the series is over, the theme song is gone as well. One of the best theme songs in the last couple years is no longer around which creates another problem: The last decent show on Nick is taking the network's last really good theme song away. Not named The Loud House.

-Again, it's just weird how the Balfour storyline is treated so comedically, especially when it could have made a great episode on its own. Dr. Colosso finds out he has a son, and doesn't seem to give that much of a damn about him or the situation. Also, Balfour gets turned into a bunny so I guess he can bond with his father over making fun of the family.

-I don't think I'm breaking new ground by saying this, but The Thundermans was never a really funny show. It was always just kinda amusing in terms of comedy. That mentality also appears in this episode because there was a lack of really good jokes. There were two in particular that I thought were great: Phoebe and Max are ahead of Balfour in the Z-Force challenges, but they just stand there and watch Balfour catch up to them. They then wonder why they're letting this happen and continue the challenges. Later on, with both of them being bunnies, Dr. Colosso tries to get Balfour to say something sarcastic towards the twins, but he just tells Max to die in a stern voice. Max's disturbed expression was fantastic.

-A great way to wrap everything up as the Thundermans go to fight some crime at the end of the episode. Phoebe breaks the fourth wall and changes the family photo from the opening sequence into them as superheroes, symbolizing who they will always be.

Quite possibly the worst book I've ever read in my life

No I'm not going to type it all here because I don't want to rewrite what I already wrote on Goodreads and I can just paste a link to it here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2644453074?book_show_action=false&from_review_page=1

Spoiler alert: it's getting an F--, the lowest grade this blog bothers to "reward." And believe me, it really does live up to that F--.

Other Thoughts:

 maybe some updates on what's been going on personally and an end-of-year Disney Channel and Nickelodeon review hopefully tonight or at least tomorrow. The current state of both networks is going to force some changes to how I usually format them. Also I'd really like to respond and add to Mike's review of G.I. Jessie as requested (literally everyone who's been reading this blog has been requesting it - which isn't hard because again there's like three of you).

Season 2 of Raven's Home is about as bad as Season 2 of Bunk'd now

Season 2 of Bunk'd was bad by basically doubling-down on how bad Season 1 was. Jorge became even more of an offensive stereotype to the point where one has to wonder just how in the world can the writing staff get away with this while employed by a company officially endorsing "The Force is Female" shirts and I really have to wonder how Mateo Arias was even able to live with himself like this; and the same with Nina Lui's character, just, not quite as bad; and just...more garbage plots.

But Season 2 of Raven's Home is bad, equally bad, but in a different way. It's just simply as if the writing staff of that show just...doesn't know how to actually write a show. The Bunk'd crew clearly know how to write a comedy, they just seemingly almost deliberately did it bad, awful and at worst (and way too often) downright offensively. As for the S2 Raven's Home crew, it's as if they've been thrown into a situation they have no idea how to get themselves out of. It's like they took, I dunno, the studio custodial team or the caterers and told them, ok guys now you're writing a tween sitcom.

Before I go on I just want to point out who that writing staff is. I have no idea - well, I mean, they literally tell you in the credits, that's the sole reason why credits exist, but unlike with what I'm going to call Disney Channel Classic (Lizzie McGuire all the way to as recent as last year with Bizaardvark and Andi Mack) I don't feel particularly compelled to pay attention anymore - up to a point. I do know that the S1 crew was Entertainment Force - the same crew that put together Best Friends Whenever? Man I miss Best Friends Whenever I loved that show. And now it's November 13 with the frying pan for some reason, and the pug dog...whatever. Obviously they pulled a I Didn't Do It and switched out the production crew between seasons, and just like with I Didn't Do It it was for the worst.

And an additional note regarding just what the hell do I mean when I talk about Entertainment Force, and November 13, and pug dogs, and Bon Mot (Pamela Eells O'Connell's team, of Suite Life and Jessie fame) and all this other random nonsense - so there's a difference between network, studio and production company. The network - in this case Disney Channel - is quite simply the network or channel that occupies a spot on your TV range that airs these programs. The studio - in this case It's a Laugh Productions - is the actual entity that makes the TV show, i.e. films it - it's exactly as you classically imagine a studio lot as being like the classic Columbia and Paramount lots of yore with the giant airplane hangar-like soundstages and tour groups. Except in this specific case It's A Laugh Productions is a wholly-owned sub-entity of ABC Television Productions that's the actual studio where these shows are produced (likewise with Horizon, which is literally the same thing except shows that are single-cam format are labeled as Horizon productions instead for some reason) but that difference is quite frankly immaterial. Huge chunks of the crew, including important personnel like directors such as Micheal Dean Seaton and Rick I Forgot His Name are more than free to wander about the studio lot onto other ABC productions, or even other lots entirely like CBS Television and FOX Television (although I guess FOX and ABC are the same thing now...). And then you have the actual production crew - which includes a core group of writers and producers (or more specifically, showrunners) that basically have formed a posse and hang out together making TV shows. They can be fairly decently-sized groups or as little as two people or even a single individual. They're completely and totally mercenary (at least in theory) going around freelance-style to whatever studios happen to pick up their shows for production, and whatever networks happen to pick up those shows for actual airing.

This is what those different groups like Bon Mot, Entertainment Force, November 13 whatever are. They're effectively just freelance creative brain trusts made up of a few selective individuals.

Perhaps the best-known and best-illustrative example is Bad Robot - what it boils down to is that that just means it's a J.J. Abrams production. But J.J. Abrams isn't the actual production studio or network/film distributor - he lacks that infrastructure and is still dependent on pitching his ideas to those entities and hope they will pick them up (or hope that they'll commission him for projects as is the case with Star Trek and Star Wars). Or with Jerry Bruckheimer productions which - well I hope it's kinda self-explanatory who's the big guy behind that one is. Or Shore Z, which is the posse David Shore (House and now The Good Doctor) has formed around himself. Although in practice most if not all of these production crews are practically in-house for Disney Channel anyway since they meet and work together under the circumstances of being employed by Disney. Oops Donuts is actually one of the few notable exceptions since they do a show for Nickelodeon for now but it's still obviously solidly in the realm of primarily tween entertainment. And (at least traditionally) most Disney Channel productions don't have a separate production entity at all, effectively making by default It's A Laugh Productions both the actual studio and production posse crew. It's people who command a lot of clout, talent or both - like Ron Hart and John Beck of Oops Donuts and Pamela Eells O'Connell of Bon Mot - who get to "declare" their own production company as far as Disney's concerned (or are brought in from the outside with that kind of resources already in place - again just like with the examples I just named).

But that's not really the main point of this post, the main point is to talk about how...these guys don't know what they're doing with Raven's Home. It feels like I'm watching a sitcom put together by exactly the demographic this show's aimed at, but very clearly being in the demo is distinct from understanding the demo, or at least having the talent to pull it off. The plots and the writing of the characters just feel...extremely detached from reality in a very particular way. I don't want to go so far as what AV Club once said of the infamous Secret Life of the American Teenager and claim it's actually produced by aliens who understand Earth only from intercepted television signals. It still feels like it's made by actual human people with regular, normal contact with society-at-large and/or who regularly watch television.

But it also feels like it's made by people who are just in over their heads and while they understand the most basic physical fundamentals - they know how to form proper sentences and which end of the camera they need to point at things - the actual concept of writing a script for television and directing actors is a concept far, far beyond their current level of expertise and training.

Season 2 Grade: It's an F. In all intellectual honesty I don't know what other kind of grade to give it. I don't remember what grade I gave Bunk'd Season 2 but...it's an F. Just watching Raven's Home is such an awkward experience I can't really get through an episode which...really should mean an automatic F.

...well, I take that back. The show was pretty OK up until after the Siezemore Returns arc. That was actually pretty good up until after that point and I really enjoyed that arc. But then right after that...it felt like a different show entirely, let alone suddenly a drastically different Season 3. There's this Scut thing, and then there's this little kid who's the kid of the landlord, and...just stuff. Like I said, just too awkward to really watch through.

Season 2 MVP: Eeehhhh...I mean the kid actors try to carry it through their best as if nothing'sh happened and I'd give them credit for that. Raven...eh I guess. But really, I'm not sure how to reward this.

On why I haven't been posting lately

...so I'm looking at the time and, umm...this is bad timing because I gotta get up early in the morning.

Expect a longer post in here but long story short...my life's a mess.

I'm not kidding. This is the lowest point I've been at in over four years. And I'm the guy who makes posts about being into Disney Channel in the first place because my fiancee dumped me when I found out I had cancer.

But yeah. So there's that.

Extra Thoughts

 - There's a lot to cover here. The two-episode story arc of Andi Mack about the gun thing could probably get a week's worth of stuff alone because I'm basically doing that in real life (the thing about stopping guns in schools, not bringing them in, don't get the wrong impression and like I dunno call the cops on me or something plz k thx). Also a thing called Life Sized 2 happened, and yes I have it on my DVR so we're going to cover that.

Also in case you haven't noticed...both Disney Channel and Nickelodeon are in really, truly exceptionally shitty states right now. Yeah we'll cover that too.

Oh yeah and the G.I. Jessie thing don't worry I'll get to that.

Oh yeah and despite feeling so shitty lately I'm making the move to YouTube. I've already got a few videos recorded even! So yeah you'll get to experience what I actually look like and my extremely nasaly voice that makes me sound like male Lois Griffin.

Jessie Reviewed: G.I. Jessie

Now I know not to watch this again. And knowing is half the battle. 



I just want to say that if Ray sees this at some point and never gives his two cents, it would have all been for nothing.



I say that because you would expect Ray to review an episode of Jessie, not me. But I figure it was time for a change of pace from talking about Dan Schneider shows and avoiding the Thundermans write-ups for several months, long after people have already forgotten about the existence of the series (I just need to find the last couple episodes and I'm straight). The good news is, this episode has a lot to talk about and unpack. The bad news is, most of the discussion today will be negative so it's almost like unpacking an enormous beehive and hoping you won't get attacked. It's not good for me or anyone else who reads this to try rolling that dice, but I have to roll them anyway.



So at this point, we're all aware of what Jessie is, right? I don't need to bring anybody up to speed? Great. The thing is, even though I remember it, and I remember being a fan of it, I don't remember it being one of my favorite shows. I always thought it was decent, but I was more interested in Good Luck Charlie and A.N.T. Farm, mostly because they were better shows with more entertaining characters. Also, I used to have a big crush on Bridgit Mendler so that might have played a role in it too. Eventually, I became less interested in Jessie, mostly because it went from decent to mediocre after a certain point and it was never something I was that interested in to begin with. It also doesn't help that the show was surrounded by much better competition, and the fact that I was becoming disinterested in both Nickelodeon and Disney Channel as I was getting deep into high school. I remember thinking the series finale was mediocre, and then instead of letting these characters die, they gave them a spin-off at a summer camp. And believe me, if I ever review that show, it will be a sign that I'm no longer getting enough oxygen. At least it's over.



I saw that this episode was on TV the other day so I decided to give it a shot. I remember a lot of people hating it when it first aired because the characterization was off, especially from the kids. I didn't think much of the episode either, but it had been a long time since I had watched it. Maybe things would be different this time?



And they were. They definitely were, because this episode is much worse than I remember it being.



The plot here is that Jessie takes the kids with her to her father's military base in Texas for the weekend. Jessie sees it as an opportunity to make peace with the old man after she ran off to New York to pursue an acting career. While in Texas, she finds out that her father is not only getting married again, but he is marrying his commanding officer, who just so happens to be the mother of Darla Shannon, Jessie's greatest enemy. Meanwhile, Emma finds love when she falls for Darla's brother Caleb, and Bertram has his own plot that's not worth getting into because the episode would pretty much be the same without it.



One of the biggest problems in this episode is the behavior of the kids. They're complete brats for 44 minutes, and they don't let up at all until Jessie gives them a speech about how awful they all are. Then they go back to being brats, and save the day in spite of all the trouble they caused, while also potentially making it worse which I'll get to soon. I can't remember how the kids acted consistently from episode to episode, but their characters here are insufferable beyond compare. All they do is complain about things, destroy whatever they see, and run off at the mouth when someone should have smacked them for having loose tongues. And they do all of these things unsupervised. For 44 minutes, nobody is watching these children, which gives them free rein to act like they have no common sense or ability to restrain themselves. But that's the thing. I feel like they would normally behave like actual human beings, but they don't.


I get what the show is trying to do here. Jessie needs to have her breaking point and dress these kids down like never before, so in order for the story to work, Luke, Zuri, and Ravi have to be irredeemable pieces of shit. But that just makes things worse because of how far they go to accomplish this goal. We're not seeing an actual story here, the kids are just acting out, blatantly defying Jessie's authority multiple times, and making the experience worse for her for no apparent reason. And it's not like they don't know any better. They're told multiple times not to play stupid games, sometimes by Ravi himself, and they continue playing stupid games. So when Jessie gives them their stupid prize by quitting her job, I don't feel bad at all. They brought this on themselves.



I'm not done talking about these stupid kids just yet because the whole review could be about breaking down every terrible thing they do. But the other big problem in this episode is Jessie's father. I have no reason to identify with him or see things from his perspective because he has no likable qualities whatsoever. He still harbors resentment towards Jessie for leaving Texas, which is fair enough, and there's always this underlying feeling that this resentment is what is weighing down all of his conversations with her. But he does everything wrong. He invites Jessie to Texas without telling her the real reason he brought her there. He expects her to get along with Darla for no apparent reason, which is ridiculous because Darla is another piece of shit that has no intention of getting along with Jessie. And then he just announces that he's getting married to Darla's mother. What the hell is happening here?


This episode really wants me to feel sorry for a man that misled his daughter into thinking the Texas trip was so they could reconnect, tried forcing his daughter to get along with a woman she clearly didn't like and didn't like her back, and then just decided to drop this marriage bomb on her. He was going to wait for Jessie and Darla to get along before revealing the marriage, which was all supposed to be in one weekend. And the episode acts like Jessie is in the wrong for having resistance to this whole situation. Again, what the hell is happening here?



Under normal circumstances, Jessie would want nothing to do with her father, and take the kids back to New York before telling them that they can find a new nanny. But neither of those things happen because we're supposed to act like all of these characters are good people. Except for Darla, who we only hate because we're told to. To her credit, she is a terrible person, but she's not the only terrible person in the episode. In the end, Jessie's father says that he's sorry for springing everything up on her, and that's it. That's his only act of contrition in the episode. The kids are also remorseful, but that's only because they got faced with actually having to deal with the consequences of their actions. And it's all forgotten about within minutes. Jessie snaps at the kids for everything they did, quits her job, and minutes later, she's in the B.A.T. with the kids bonding over the snow cone machine inside it. At least they halfway try to bring Jessie closer to her father, but after everything the kids have done, there's no reason why Jessie should be their nanny again. It's just something that happens, and only because the kids were stupid enough to press buttons inside of an ATV they were never supposed to touch in the first place. Why do I hate almost everybody in this episode?



The last thing I want to elaborate on is the length of this episode. It was one hour, but it felt like six hours, because all I wanted was to review this episode as quickly as possible. A regular decent episode could help mask some of the show's flaws, but with 44 minutes, everything gets exposed quickly. The characters are almost all full of smart-aleck quips that don't really work, and none of them are that well-written to care about what happens to them either. It's just exhausting to see a bunch of kids act like spoiled sociopaths for an hour, and a man try to manipulate his only daughter into accepting his decisions because of his resentment over a past transgression. The pacing really doesn't work at all. Half the time, it feels like I'm watching the same scene. I guess I could give them credit for the scene with Jessie and Emma in the bunker, but that would have been great if the episode justified it.


Like I said, Jessie's father deliberately withheld information from his daughter and forced her to accept what was coming to her because he couldn't let the past go, so this was his attempt to manipulate the situation in his favor. And the episode plays it as if Jessie was being unnecessarily cruel to her father, her future stepmother, and her future stepsister for no apparent reason. Wait, I forgot, that's how this story usually works.



You know, Disney sitcoms seem to get a bum rap everywhere I look. A lot of people point them out as being especially bad. I find it weird because Nickelodeon sitcoms really haven't been that much better in the last five years or so, but Disney Channel's live-action shows carry a bad reputation like a terminal illness. Like, a Disney sitcom having poor quality is treated like a stereotype. Episodes like "G.I. Jessie" are proof to me that this stereotype exists for a reason. For 44 minutes, Jessie goes out of its way to give you the worst episode they could come up with. The characterization is awful, the overall writing is poor, the motivations are weak, the jokes are mediocre, the resolution is stapled together with bits of fax paper, and the feeling you get overall from watching this is shame. Shame that they thought this was good enough to air on television.



The interesting thing about "G.I. Jessie" is that it is an awful episode, but it's a different brand of awfulness. It's not the same kind of awfulness like those Nickelodeon one-hour holiday specials. You know those specials are going to be terrible going into them, and you feel like your soul is exiting your body as the minutes go by so when you're done watching, it's like you let your family down because you watched it. When I watched "G.I. Jessie," I didn't feel that way. I thought it was a bad episode, but I was thinking more of a C grade for it. It wasn't until I started writing this review and looking back at everything that I realized how terrible it was. It was the kind of awfulness that sneaks up on you, and when the clarity kicks in, you can't think about the episode the same way ever again.



Episode Grade: F
Episode MVP: Peyton List. If there was any bright spot here, it was Emma because she was the only character I could tolerate, and she was also the one that helped Jessie understand things from her father's point of view. Now I know the whole reason Bunk'd existed in the first place. 



EXTRA THOUGHTS 
-Seriously, if Ray sees this, I would like him to share some thoughts on it. Especially since he believes Jessie fell off a cliff in the last two seasons. But this was the 27th episode of season two, so.....maybe this was a harbinger of things to come? I usually cite Ravi going through puberty as the time to stop watching.



-"HEY JESSIE!" I forgot the way this theme song used to climb inside your ears and stay there. It was like catchy garbage.



-Initially, Jessie was supposed to go to Texas by herself and Bertram was supposed to watch the kids. Honestly, since this episode is a personal story about Jessie and her father, it would have been way better to do it like this. Instead, Jessie decides to take the whole family with her after the kids destroy the roof and an entire water tower with a rocket. That's literally the first thing they do in this episode. Actually, this entire scene serves as a microcosm for the whole 44 minutes: The kids do something awful, and their response is to act like they didn't do anything wrong, or be proud of what they did, or find a fall guy (usually Ravi).



-Emma and Caleb's story makes no sense. Jessie and Darla bring up this longstanding feud between their families, with decades of history. Under these circumstances, Jessie's father and Darla's mother shouldn't want anything to do with each other romantically. If anything, that should have played a part in Jessie not wanting her father to get remarried. Instead, this "feuding families" plot is pushed on someone that's not a part of either family (Emma), so there's no reason to care about this. And the whole thing is null and void because Jessie's father is marrying Darla's mother so........go to hell for paying attention, I guess?



-Alright, let's go over the kids' activities: They commit property damage four times (destroying the roof/water tower, knocking down a 70-year-old statue, creating a hole in the wall at the rehearsal dinner using the B.A.T., and causing the munitions bunker to self-destruct), attack Darla with experimental weaponry unprovoked, and inadvertently set off the bunker's self-destruct button after firing a missile at it, with Jessie, Emma, and Caleb locked inside. Had they not used the grappling hook to get the door unlocked, they would have been responsible for the deaths of three people, and the bunker ends up destroyed anyway because they forgot to turn off the self-destruct button. So, on top of three people almost being killed, the bunker is destroyed anyway, resulting in what I have to assume is years worth of military equipment blown up. What's Jessie's response to realizing this? Blame Ravi.



-The kicker is that Emma was the one who locked herself, Jessie, and Caleb inside the bunker because she didn't know what else to do. The most tolerable character in this episode and she couldn't even get off scot-free.



-Seriously, I can't get over how terrible the kids are in this episode. Their behavior is disgusting in a way that I haven't seen in a long time from TV characters. And I know they're still children, but again, they knew what they were doing the whole time and didn't care about the consequences until they went way too far. And it's not like they were really sorry for what they did. They just didn't want to lose Jessie. Luke and Zuri even blame Ravi for not keeping them from doing the things they did. At the end of all this, how am I supposed to root for them? They make Jessie's life a living hell and they love it. I don't know how Ray was able to stick around after this episode.



-The only reason I don't hate Jessie's father as much as I should is because the kids were far, far worse. But after everything he did, I really don't think Jessie should have tried to meet her father halfway. It was clear he didn't respect her, while also expecting her to have eyes in the back of her head and watch the kids at every turn. He literally blames Jessie for the kids finding the B.A.T. and committing property damage. You know, even though Jessie had a role in the rehearsal brunch and probably didn't even see them leave. And they were sitting there unsupervised because apparently, nobody else was capable of watching them. And they had easy access to a military vehicle that should have been locked away. And they were told already to stay away from the B.A.T. so they intentionally went against basic instructions.



-Zuri has such a weird line in this episode that I really don't understand. I'm just pointing it out because this was an actual line that Skai Jackson had to read off the script, memorize, and then repeat on camera during filming. So, when Jessie and the kids go to save Emma, they find out that the B.A.T. can fly and they go to the munitions bunker. When Ravi questions if they are in heaven, Zuri sarcastically quips, "Am I playing washboard for the late, great country legend Tammy Wynette? Then no."



-That line was said by Zuri, a girl that shouldn't know anything about country music or who Tammy Wynette is. I didn't even know who Tammy Wynette was until I looked her up. Besides that, it's just a really unnatural response to someone questioning the danger they are currently in, and they give this weird line to someone who wouldn't know anything about Tammy Wynette for the sake of a joke. It's one of those lines that only sitcom characters say because nobody talks like that in real life.



-The weird thing about this episode is that Jessie's father insists that Jessie get along with Darla. But how come nobody says anything to Darla? She antagonizes and talks down to Jessie for the entire episode and nothing happens. It's not like she's putting on a facade, like she's overly sweet to the adults and mean to Jessie behind their backs. She's openly disrespectful and catty towards Jessie regardless of who else is nearby, so why does she never get talked to? Why is Jessie supposed to put up with this? Why is everything in this episode making me want to stop reviewing?

Stephen Hillenburg: 1961-2018

I have another review on the way but I felt like this was necessary to talk about.

https://variety.com/2018/tv/news/spongebob-squarepants-creator-dead-dies-stephen-hillenburg-1203037362/

It's a shame that this is the second legend in the entertainment industry that we have had to write this kind of article about in the last month. Stephen Hillenburg, well-known for being the creator of SpongeBob SquarePants, succumbed to his ALS and passed away on Monday at the age of 57.

I found out that Hillenburg was diagnosed with ALS several months ago, so I knew he was living on borrowed time. However, it was important to Hillenburg that he continue working on SpongeBob for as long as he physically could. Along with being the creator of the long-running animated series, Hillenburg was the showrunner for the first three seasons, and worked on The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004) as the director, a co-writer and a producer. He also came up with the story for the movie. Hillenburg left SpongeBob after the first film and began to serve as more of an advisor. He returned for the second movie Sponge Out of Water (2015) as the story writer and an executive producer. When the series returned from hiatus that summer, Hillenburg was back as well with more creative input and executive producer status.

SpongeBob SquarePants was one of my favorite shows as a kid, and the first three seasons have aged like fine wine. In its prime, SpongeBob was a masterclass in kids television, as it told stories and featured characters that children gravitated to without alienating older viewers, and its humor was some of the best that any children's show has ever had. If it wasn't for shows like SpongeBob, I don't know who I would be or what I would be doing. Would I even be writing for this blog? Hard to say, but people like Stephen Hillenburg made it possible for me to be here.

At the end of the day, Hillenburg left behind a legacy that will never be forgotten. SpongeBob is now one of the most world's most recognizable and profitable cartoon characters, and lines from the show have made their way into everyday conversation. Hillenburg was bold enough to come up with the idea of a talking sea sponge having adventures underwater and turn it into a global phenomenon. Most people never get that opportunity. So rest in peace to a man that was creative, passionate, and by all accounts, an overall humble and principled individual.

Victorious Reviewed: The Blonde Squad

I was looking through my old reviews when I decided to write this. Just go with it and let it happen. 

Victorious is a weird show to talk about. It was weird even by Dan Schneider standards. If I wanted to be mean, I could say that all of the problems that Dan Schneider's shows have in 2018 started with this show. I could say that iCarly was negatively influenced by it. I could say that Dan Schneider working on it and iCarly at the same time led to both shows declining past the point of no return. And I could also say that it only had one good season, which was the first one.

But here's the thing: I'm not just saying all of that. I firmly believe in all of those things.

When Victorious started, I was in the sixth grade. When it ended, I was a freshman in high school. One thing I want to make clear is that I was a very stupid and immature kid back then. Earlier this year, I spent a day cleansing my entire Twitter of terrible, terrible posts because I was disgusted at how overtly corny I used to be. That part of me is still there, but it's a lot more dormant. And it's not something I take pride in anymore. I say all that to let you know that even in my corniest possible state, I was cognizant enough to see the show's decline happen right before my eyes.

I remember enjoying the first season of Victorious and thinking that it was different from iCarly. The show still had Schneider's trademark humor, but the stories were different and at least in the beginning, the characters seemed like they had some depth to them. I always believed that you could make Victorious for adults and the show wouldn't be too different from what it was for kids. In fact, it would be better that way because these characters would actually be explored seriously, and not just be empty joke machines.

Beck lived in an RV away from his parents. Andre's grandmother was mentally insane. Cat was mentally insane with a mentally insane brother, and most likely grew up in a mentally insane family. Robbie walked around with a puppet that only existed to insult him and break him down psychologically, while being bolder and more confident than the person walking around with him. Jade had an uncaring father and a variety of psychological problems. You get the point. Victorious was a show that worked well because along with great jokes, the characters were grounded and relatable. You weren't just laughing at what they said or did. You identified with them as people. Episodes like "Wok Star" and "Rex Dies" were the perfect blend of comedy and drama, and if the producers played their cards right, the show could have potentially surpassed iCarly in quality.

But then something unexplainable happened. Eventually, it became more fun to the writers to just treat these characters like they were pathetic caricatures. I felt this way when these episodes aired and I feel the same way now. I didn't understand it because I was aware of what the show could have been, and instead, it just wasted away whatever potential it had. It became weird for the sake of weird. It devolved into a cartoon. I still have nightmares of scenes like Cat buying a drink and immediately throwing it away because she wasn't thirsty, or Jade driving Tori to a dirt road with the intention of killing her, or the gang being tortured on a game show for no apparent reason other than them being in pain equals great comedy. I wish I could talk about this at length, but I need to discuss the episode now and expand on my overall thoughts later on in a different post.

I said in my "iFind Spencer Friends" review that when iCarly failed, it was more like disappointment than anything else. A bad episode rarely angered me, it just annoyed me. But when Victorious failed, it was like the show was going out of its way to create a terrible episode. And "The Blonde Squad" is no exception. I didn't like this episode in 2012 when it first aired, and six years later, my opinion hasn't changed. In fact, because I have had time to reflect on everything, the episode is worse now than it was in 2012.

The plot here is about a boy named Evan falling for Cat at Nozu because of her blonde wig and blue contacts. She was in costume because of a movie Beck was directing. Cat never told Evan about her real hair color or eye color, finds out that the boy is obsessed with blonde hair and blue eyes, and decides to keep her costume on the next time she sees Evan. Tori convinces her to be herself, Evan tells her that he likes blonde girls, and the episode is over.

Wait. It's not. There's a reason I chose to review this.

See, throughout the entire episode, there's this other plotline of Robbie dealing with his feelings for Cat. He has even written a song about her. However, the episode seems to hate Robbie for having these feelings. When he tells Tori that he wrote a song about a girl, he gets dressed down by Trina for no apparent reason. When Robbie gives a heartfelt, impassioned speech to Cat in an attempt to boost her confidence, she tells Robbie that he doesn't know how guys think. I wish I was kidding, but she literally says this. Tori and Jade are completely confused by the speech, as if they forgot Robbie was a human being. And when Robbie finally performs his song for Cat at the end of the episode, she wonders if she should dye her hair blonde. This is the only reaction she has to the song.

See, I can't get invested in anything this episode does because the episode doesn't want me to. Evan is such a one-note character that this whole story of Cat needing to be true to herself doesn't matter. And it ends up not having any positive results because Evan doesn't change his mind about blondes once Cat shows him what she really looks like. I care more about Robbie's story because he's the only character with something to actually gain or lose here. A normal episode would have Cat realize that Robbie cares about her because of who she is and not what she looks like. But because this is "The Blonde Squad," we have to do the complete opposite of everything a normal sitcom does. I feel like this is supposed to be a subversion of what would usually happen, but just because it is a subversion, doesn't mean it works. It just makes me feel bad because Robbie is getting put through the wringer for absolutely nothing.

There was an episode in season one called "Robarazzi," where Robbie exploits his friends in an attempt to gain popularity for his blog. While the blog becomes a hit, Robbie turns into an asshole in his attempt to become successful, and he ends up getting his comeuppance for his behavior. This is an example of punishing a character who deserved it, a character who went through an actual story, and it was during a time when Robbie wasn't a spineless weirdo. I don't know what "The Blonde Squad" is trying to do at all. It sets up two plotlines and both of them are unsatisfactory. Nobody in this episode comes out of it having learned or achieved anything. The jokes are mostly nonexistent and/or fall flat. It's almost as if the writers didn't know what this episode was supposed to be. And a lot of Victorious episodes after a certain point ended up like this. "Tori Gets Stuck," "Prom Wrecker" to some extent, "Tori Tortures Teacher," "Driving Tori Crazy," "Wanko's Warehouse," "The Hambone King," "Robbie Sells Rex." Even the damn series finale, "Victori-Yes." To be fair, it wasn't supposed to be the last episode, but it does say a lot about where the series was going at the time.

At the end of the day, Victorious was a mildly entertaining show that started off well and fell off a cliff by the time it was over. As the show increased in popularity, it decreased in quality. Looking at it from a different perspective, Victorious could have done some amazing things. Characters like Cat and Jade had interesting backstories that could have been explored, not in a deeply dramatic way, but at least in a way that gave us some insight into who they really were. Episodes like "Stage Fighting" or "Wok Star" said more about Jade's character than anything she did in the next three seasons. Imagine if there was a character study about Cat or Robbie. The little things that make us understand them more and humanize them. Hell, imagine if Trina was ever taken seriously.

But instead, the show was more comfortable with random gags and making fun of the characters' eccentric behavior than examining the behavior. That wouldn't have been so bad if the jokes weren't so awkward and the pacing so slow. Episodes like "The Blonde Squad" became the norm, and every now and again, you might get something like "April Fools Blank" or "Opposite Date," but after the first season, consistency stopped being the strong suit of Victorious. Maybe season one was just a fluke.

Episode Grade: C-
Episode MVP: Matt Bennett, I guess. Like I said before, Robbie seemed to be the only character in this episode going through something, but the episode seemed to hate him for that specific reason. 

EXTRA THOUGHTS 
-I'll never forget what Ray said about the Victorious cast having an air of coolness about them. They were the kind of people who commanded attention when they were on screen, but were just saddled with so much mediocre material that it didn't always shine through. I still think this show had the potential to be better than iCarly, because of all the different characters to explore and what made them become who they were. You could even address the environment of Hollywood Arts and how it influenced the personalities of the students.

-It's a small thing, but I like how Robbie is apparently the "wig master" and he is the only one that can handle the girls' wigs. Also, Jade plays the dumb blonde in Beck's movie, which I have to assume is just him wanting to see his ex-girlfriend act like an idiot for his amusement.

-There was a joke at the beginning of the episode that I hated the first time I heard it, and I still hate it now. Cat says she's wondered about life as a blonde before, and has also wondered about what you do when a thirsty person gets injured, because they will either need lemonade or first aid. I don't know what to say about it. It's just a really stupid joke that hangs there, and only drives home the point that Cat is stupid. Or insane, whichever adjective you like.

-The whole reason Cat meets Evan is because Tori convinces Cat and Jade that they should keep their costumes on and go to Nozu to see what life is like as a blonde. I remember the episode promos mentioning this like it was going to be a big deal, but it only lasted one scene and the whole joke is that Tori is an idiot for thinking blondes had more privileges in life. Honestly, I think this premise had more legs than what they actually went with.

-Again, it's just weird how the episode treats Robbie. And because of that, it ends up affecting the characters too. Whenever Robbie's in a scene, the others just seem to have an extra amount of contempt for him, like he's diseased or something. After Cat barely has a reaction to Robbie's speech, all Tori does is question Robbie's statement that guys would be lucky as cheese to go out with Cat. It's almost like she's known about Robbie's feelings for a long time and doesn't care about them because she knows that Cat doesn't feel the same way. Or at least, that's what I think because Tori has no reaction to her friend pouring his heart out to another one of her friends. Later on, Robbie repeats the "lucky as cheese" statement and Tori just looks at him. I don't get it. Wouldn't Tori of all people want to help Robbie get closer to Cat? I'm assuming she would care about something like this, but from the looks of it, nobody seems to care about anything in this episode.

-They really hammer home the point that Evan likes blonde hair and blue eyes through the girls checking out his Slap page, and to make it even more on the nose, one of his dislikes is people who pretend to be something they're not. All the episode tells me about Evan is that he is a shallow person, and a relationship with him will never work. And then Cat decides to be herself anyway and it doesn't matter because Evan is a shallow person. Seriously, this guy has no character whatsoever.

-I really think this episode could have redeemed itself if Cat realized Robbie's feelings and at least acknowledged them in some way after his song is over. But then the episode just ends with no payoff and Cat completely disregarding the whole song. I'm left wondering why Robbie would even want to date Cat, because beyond her being incredibly stupid, it's clear that she doesn't care about him, and finds the possibility of being attracted to him weird. It's just jarring to go from this to "One Thousand Berry Balls" where all of a sudden, Cat has feelings for Robbie and gets jealous over seeing him with another girl. And then the series finale where one of the last interactions these two characters have is Cat thinking that cuddling with Robbie would be gross. Yeah, I'm done here. Next time, I'll try talking about an old show you probably weren't expecting me to ever talk about.

Stan Lee: 1922-2018

This is another guest post from frequent commentator/reader Shipping Wars Are Stupid (hence the formatting) regarding the passing of Stan Lee. He did a much better job than I can (not to mention it lets me cover the topic while...umm...being lazy) so please enjoy his words. Thank you!

At the age of 95, Stan Lee took his final breath and left this world Monday. It has been a moment we knew was coming. It is going difficult to face. And in the coming days, weeks, and months, there will be many better tributes than mine. I cannot remember when I first learned of Lee or his work. It had to be in my early childhood...The first thing I remember? I remember being in the third grade and my friend bringing drawings of Spider-man fighting the Green Goblin to class because he was so excited for the new movie. This was in 2002. In 2004, I saw my first Marvel movie when I saw Spider-man 2. My parents took me and this was one of the final movies I saw before I moved to Maine. It absolutely blew my socks off. To this day, it remains one of my absolute favorites with its excellent writing, sympathetic villain and quality special effects for its time. When I entered high school, Iron Man came out in the spring and some of my classmates started whispering that there was an end credits scene. A scene that would start the largest and most ambitious project in cinema history. It led to the creation of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which has provided me with dozens of hours of entertainment over the following decade. We are talking thousands of jobs and billions of dollars in the economy that can be directly attributed to the imagination of a man from Manhattan. We know their names. Logan. Peter Parker. Bruce Banner. Tony Stark. Steve Rogers. We know them better as Wolverine, Spider-man, The Hulk, Iron Man, and Captain America. When we talk about Stan Lee, we are not talking about just some "celebrity." Lee was not a celebrity. He was not a hero or a legend. He was an icon. For myself and millions of others all over the world, he served as a source of humor, of inspiration and creativity. There was never anyone quite like him. There never will be again. With great power comes great responsibility. When I have children, it will be a responsibility of mine to share with them what Stan gave to us. The lessons and morals he shares. It's the least we can do for a man who gave us so much. One person really can make a difference. And, right now, that person is you, Stan. Thank you for everything.

iCarly Reviewed: iFind Spencer Friends

Where we get Emma Stone, nasty chili fries, and Jamaican laser tag in one episode.

I don't know if I've discussed this at length, but season five of iCarly feels really.....different. It's not as clever or as well-paced as the first two or three seasons of the series. At some point, the characters stopped being interesting and consistently entertaining. Plots became more pointless, the jokes became broader and cheaper, and episodes started feeling more like chores. I could watch something like "iBust a Thief" and feel like nothing happened, because nothing actually happened. The whole plot is about the characters wasting hours of their time waiting for something to happen, and then it ends up being all for nothing because the ending is basically, "We know there was no point to any of this." I'm not saying that every episode was bad. The series finale was a great way to wrap everything up, and there were some other ones that shined like "iGet Banned" and "iLost My Head in Vegas." But for the most part, you just got something like "iPear Store" or what I'm reviewing tonight.

So "iFind Spencer Friends" is about Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Gibby trying to find Spencer some adults to hang out with in time for his birthday, but the problem is, Spencer hates hanging out with the adults they found for him. Then they just abandon the new friends and Spencer spends his birthday playing Jamaican laser tag (???) with the gang.

We all know that one of the major reasons television shows tend to decline is because of what they reduce the characters to. They become shallower and less human, because one of their traits becomes amplified to the point where it ends up being their main trait, or their only trait. I still have nightmares about what the Boy Meets World crew did to Eric. iCarly suffered from this too, but it's not as noticeable as it was on a show that lost its way almost as soon as it hit its stride (Victorious), or a show that was just a desperate attempt to recapture the magic of two previous shows that no longer had any life left in them (Sam & Cat). Spencer is probably the biggest casualty of this. Apparently, he has barely any adult friends and would rather spend time playing tennis with kids younger than Carly herself. And when he complains about how boring his new "friends" are, he literally sounds like a child upset that they have to share their toys with someone else. Does this sound like a normally functioning grown man to you?

Other than the story, there is nothing else here to write home about. The scene at the diner is just so bizarre because of how long it goes on. It almost feels like they didn't bother writing a script and just sent the characters out there to improvise all their lines and interactions. There are many times I've watched this episode and thought this was the ending, but that's reserved for the Jamaican laser tag (which I'll get to). It almost feels like we're getting a glimpse into the future of what Dan Schneider shows would be like all the time, in every scene, in every episode. The pace is just so slow, it didn't even  feel like I was watching TV. Just a bunch of people hanging out but not actually talking about anything important. That's what it felt like for an entire scene.

It also doesn't help that Spencer's new friends are very uninteresting. They're adults so they talk about things like campaign finance reform and seeing shows at the Chumlee Theater. Because that's what adults always talk about and they have no other personality traits besides talking about boring things. The sad part is that this story had potential. Carly and her friends could have found adult friends that really connect with Spencer, like fellow artists or other content creators. Then they end up being really clingy and constantly want to hang out with Spencer despite the fact that he doesn't care for them much. It could be Spencer having his own group of Spencers and not being able to handle it. Instead, Carly and her friends just find a bunch of random people to hang out with Spencer, don't bother to see what they have in common with him, and expect him to like hanging out with these random people because they're all adults.

It's a shame that a show that was once interesting, funny, and charming was just another way to waste time once it ended. I want to say iCarly fell off once Sam and Freddie started dating because the show definitely felt different after that. This is just another episode in a long line of episodes that aren't worth going back to more than once. When iCarly failed, it wasn't nearly as infuriating as Victorious, but it was more of a case of, "What are you doing? You're better than this." At least the series finale was worth putting up with all the mediocre stories beforehand.

Episode Grade: C-
Episode MVP: Emma Stone, mostly because she actually brought life to the episode for a brief moment and it made me think something was happening. 

EXTRA THOUGHTS
-Because Spencer already has adult friends, the episode has to explain why none of them can come to his birthday party for the story to work. I liked how Spencer started a fire at his book club while they were reading Fahrenheit 451. Honestly, I'm surprised the show went to all this trouble just to make sure their story made sense. If Henry Danger had this plotline, we would just have to lay back and accept it.

-Seriously, the way Carly and her friends (and by extension, the writers) treat Spencer like he's a small child that needs to learn how to play with others is sad. I mean, it would be one thing if they thought Spencer was lonely and needed to be around new people, but then they realize that he's fine hanging out with them and doesn't need other adult friends to enjoy himself. That's usually how this story works. Instead, Spencer acts like he has never been around an adult in his life, and has no idea how to read the room or talk to someone his own age. It's a little depressing that this is what the writers thought of him.

-I can't talk about this enough, but it's like an eternity goes by in that diner. It's like they had no ideas for that scene and they were pressed for time so they just had the cast do and say whatever while they film it. Plus, it's not like there are any good jokes either, other than Spencer mentioning the new Eddie Murphy movie where he buys a kangaroo and wears a fat suit.

-I went back to see if Spencer mentioned anything about his art and he never did. Carly and Sam mention it to Darnell, but nothing comes of it. I feel like that's something his new friends would have been interested in talking about, and it would give Spencer some common ground with them. You know, actual human conversation. But then again, they would probably see his sculptures and find them childish and way below the work of Picasso and Donatello.

-Emma Stone has a nothing role in this episode. She just really likes iCarly and takes pictures with the cast like a crazed lunatic. I feel like this was the show's way of letting us know how popular it is among older audiences and a lot of people want to be involved in it. They definitely have that right after all these episodes, but now I'm thinking of what it would be like if they built an entire story around Stone. Then again, it might have ended up being a rehash of "iAm Your Biggest Fan" or something.

-I actually recognize two of Spencer's friends. Darnell is played by John Ducey. You might recognize him from a show like Sabrina, the Teenage Witch but I recognized him from JONAS because he played the Jonas Brothers' father. And I recognized the other guy from a recent Boost Mobile commercial. At least I think that was him. By the way, Darnell is the only one of Spencer's friends that they bothered to give a name.

-So, in the diner's bathroom, where Gibby is working as an attendant (it is never explained if the managers of the diner know anything about this), Spencer 's new friends burst into the room and throw up in the stalls because they ate chili fries that one of the employees did something to. The fries were meant for Freddie because he made fun of the employee's voice, but they ended up going to the guys by mistake (they had also ordered fries). Gibby is so brain dead, he doesn't realize that three men are throwing up in the bathroom stall so he tries to make conversation with them, offers them meatballs when they're done, and starts singing. What the hell is going on in this episode?

-The Jamaican laser tag scene is just......I don't know what to say. When you break it down, the conclusion to this episode is five white people wearing Rasta hats and speaking in faux Jamaican patois while they shoot each other with lasers. There's really nothing else to the game other than playing laser tag with accents. It makes me wonder what would have happened if T-Bo was in this scene. Honestly, I think this scene would have been a hundred times better if he was in it, because they could make a joke about how uncomfortable he is and then stop playing. Or he could walk in, try making peace with Spencer, but when he sees the guys playing, he becomes disturbed and leaves without saying anything else. Missed opportunity, if you ask me.

Coop and Cami Premiere reviewed

This is just a placeholder, but it's...ok-ish I guess. It's up there with...well whatever else is on the network right now.

Also happy October guys and our three year anniversary was like a month ago.

Bunk'd Mini-Reviewed: Up, Up and Away (S3E16; Series Finale [ACTUALLY HOPEFULLY THIS TIME])

Fuck it, I'm sticking to the tradition of not allowing garbage to be quoted

What is it? Ugh I'm not in the mood for this right now.

...so...yeah...Bunk'd finally, hopefully comes to and end and...it's even worse than the S2 finale. There's a subplot about Emma, Zuri and Ravi leaving and most of it is this extremely stupid thing about some scientist capturing a baby Kikiwakka. 

It's...dumb, and stupid.

Episode Grade: D-.
Episode MVP: Peyton List because she's hot as hell so why the hell not. There's literally no other valid reason why any sort of "award" should be given out to this episode.
Season Grade: C-. It's been...marginally better than the other two. It's been...really what I've been hoping Season 2 would be in the first place. Hell it's what I was hoping Season 1 would've been in the first place. Yes that's right a middling C-, that's all I was asking for after the disaster that was Jessie S4, and they couldn't even live up to that.
Season MVP: Peyton List because see above.
Series Grade: D+. It was...a real stinker, even after being given a significant stay of execution by way of a Season 3. That said, Season 3 received a bizarre serious bump in ratings (sometimes - yes, even being higher than Andi Mack) and admittedly (well, as I said above) a corresponding bump in quality, even if only a very minor one. But still, I just couldn't be bothered to watch...maybe 80% of this show, no matter how smoking hot Peyton List is.
Series MVP: Peyton List because...yeah.

Extra Thoughts:

 - I still would rather watch this than Andi Mack Season 2...well, not really.

I'd rather just switch the channel to Nick Jr.

So I've been told about an opportunity to experiment on this blog and here's your opportunity to send feedback!

I'm actually literally right in the middle of a class right now about the benefits and monetization of Medium.com and I've been told I can import content from this blog onto there! This would be a potentially great way to not only gain readership but monetize it!

This will be my way to finally buy a freakin' Stryfe...maybe even a Prometheus.

But yeah I wanna see what you guys think. I'll have to go back and actually...*shudder* proofread them but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for a buck or two.

So after years of talking about it, I finally just did it (Part Deux)

I just made an account over at TVTropes and I just cleaned the utter fuck out of the stupid idiotic Disney Channel Live-Action Universe page my-fucking-self. 

More news at 11.

A Brief Overview of A Monkey of Books

Andi Mack is now the greatest crash-and-burn in network history. Too bad I'm the only one on this entire planet who really recognizes it.

What is it? It's my new WordPress site!
What network did it air on? Uhh, WordPress I guess.
Who stars in it? Uhhh, me I guess, yay! Also Mike if I can figure out how although...maybe not since the focus will be different.
Why are we reviewing this? Uhhh we're not reviewing it per se but it's my site so there.

Yeah I don't know why I did the standard review opening for this.

But anyway, I have a new WordPress site, "A Monkey of Books." If you go there you will find...the bare unmodified WordPress template for anything that hasn't been changed yet because that's exactly at the point I am at.

But to run down a few questions:

What is "A Monkey of Books"? (Other than the obvious, yeah yeah we get it it's your WordPress site, but what?) 

It's the site I'm going to use as kind of my primary author's platform for the time being (along with a WordPress that I registered under my real name) as I launch my writing career.

I've been told by other authors I need to do it so...I did it.

As such it's going to focus on books and writing - not necessarily book reviews (although probably, although I already have a BlogSpot where I do that too that probably exactly none of you bother to visit anyway) but on the writing process and talking about genres (probably mostly young adult because that's what I mostly read, so sue me) and about the reading process too (since I'm a legit speed reader so there).

Now that I think about it it'll probably mostly supercede my "Writings (And Musings) Of Ray" Blogspot entirely, which I started well, well before this blog (and before Christian and Sean) but yeah. Maybe I'll think of something for that space too, I don't necessarily see a big reason to deactivate it as such.

And as for this site, hold on for two questions.

So why "A Monkey of Books?"

Monkey is British slang for 500 (namely half a bag in quid and such, yo). As it stands right now I'm on pace to read 500 books this calendar year (well, "titles" since a lot of that includes graphic novels, but I'm hoping my average book/"title" length will end up being over 300 pages long. And I'm probably going to fail that goal if I don't stop blogging here and get to work reading anyway). 

In the writing group I belong to, where I launched this WordPress (because they told me to) we have a lot of in-jokes about monkies and when we launch a sample WordPress on how to launch a WordPress the "training" site ends up having "Monkey" worked in the title, so OK.

What about this blog? What's it's future? Are you going to deactivate it?

No. This will be as it always was - Creepy asides, random pro-SJW rants and somewhere in there reviews of Nickelodeon and Disney Channel shows, just like it says in the subheader. As for a layout that doesn't suck, maybe one day I'll do that (BlogSpot does give you options) but now that I have a WordPress I feel less incentive to do that. 

But yeah, I'll still be talking Nickelodeon and Disney Channel (and general TV topics) here. There's a certain freeform (or is that Freeform?) I feel I have a freedom here, especially since my WordPress is for my professional writing career so it carries...certain expectations that I feel I'm free from here. I do enjoy the very informal nature of which I do things here, spelling mistakes and all, to just rant about Nickelodeon and Disney Channel shows.

So, um, there.

So after years of talking about it, I finally just did it

I launched a WordPress site.

It's...still in early construction. I'm still trying to figure out how to set it up and let Mike post in it.

Will we abandon this site? No. The WordPress is going to be a different focus as I'm launching a new writing career, so Nickelodeon and Disney Channel (and other broad entertainment) reviews will remain here. The BlogSpot format...isn't too horrible for this kind of thing.

We also have a Tumblr. We've had a Tumblr for, I think, close to a year now? Over a year?

...I probably should've mentioned that sooner.

Current Disney Channel and Nickelodeon live-action only shows between now and the premiere of Coop and Cami, Ranked

Disney Channel:

Standing Alone At The Top Tier: Bizaardvark
Shockingly improved but still very bad tier: Bunk'd
Unwatchable Garbage Tier: Literally everything else (yes this includes Andi Mack now, deal with it)

Nickelodeon:

Standing Alone At The Top Tier: I Am Frankie
Excited To See It's Returning Tier: Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel
Unwatchable Garbage Tier: Henry Danger

...I literally don't know of any other live-action Nickelodeon shows right now. This might be a new low record in a long time, if not since the early 90s.

Star Falls and Knight Squad are part of the new class of live-action Nick shows. I don't know how long either show will last (especially Star Falls, which should have been a TV movie instead of a series), but from what I've seen, both are pretty decent.

I watched the season two premiere of I Am Frankie (well, most of it) and an episode from season one, and it looks like the show is alright. I was getting vibes of The Secret World of Alex Mack. Anyone ever watched that show? They almost never show it on TV, but this episode was like the one where Alex splits into two different personalities: One good and one evil. They really should air reruns on The Splat. If I watch more I Am Frankie episodes, I'll go further with the comparisons.

You know what? The Loud House deserves to be in the top tier. Animated or not, it's the only show right now that really gives me that feeling of quality. I don't see it as an alright show, it's a genuinely good show with a 90s style that doesn't feel like pandering.

Disney Channel and Nickelodeon have both died. Once Bunk'd, Raven's Home, Andi Mack, and I Am Frankie end, they will never recover.

Freaky Friday DCOM Reviewed

Don't call her a tool! Nobody's calling anybody any names here! Alternatively, an entire song about trying to pass Biology with maybe some subtext about love or something that doesn't really work, yay!

What is it? A Disney Channel Original Movie, yo! Although we had Z-O-M-B-I-E-S (yes I'm going to insist on that because that's how Disney should've marketed it) back in February, it certainly feels even longer since we've had one of these (which probably speaks more about Z-O-M-B-I-E-S more than anything but...that's another review).
Where did it air? Oh, I'm sure you can watch Disney Channel Original Movies on Nickelodeon or even HBO....
Who stars in it? Cozi Zuehlsdorff who, yeah, you had to Google that to spell it right too, anyway this is her first starring DCOM role, some older actress person who I'm too lazy to look up, a bunch of other people yeah yeah, Dana Renee in what's apparently her very first TV acting role period so props on that, and Marlowe Percival, a guy who Disney Channel somehow decided would be great to make wear a wig and play a girl and yet still ended up one of the hottest DCOM chicks ever who I wrote more about, uh, here. 
Why are we reviewing this? Well, it's a DCOM but...actually more on that but yeah, we review DCOMs here so there.

So, umm, there's a lot to unpack here.

Much of which I already did in the article I, uh, linked up there. But now's the time to talk 2018 Freaky Friday strictly from an entertainment/literary/wider television landscape analysis.

Annnnnnnnd...even completely tabling my questioning-trans status completely and pretending it doesn't exist at all and not something I've thought a lot about since literally I've been capable of thought so no this isn't just some suddenly new thing for me but...there's a lot of, um, questioning about this one.

For starters I thought it was actually...ok? Yeah let's talk about that first.

By far the best thing about the movie, if I'm not going to just go on and on about how pretty Marlowe is in a wig and fake boobs to the point where he probably would want to empty a Rotofury's entire dart load straight into my face, is the opening sequence. It's very beautifully, whimsically and creatively done but...all the same, when I'm praising the opening credits as the most creative and best part of the movie, that's sad, yo. 

The decision to make it a musical...ok it's bizarre. I've never seen any of the previous versions of Freaky Friday so I don't know if they're even musicals or not. But the musical numbers in this one felt very much like an after-thought. They don't serve to carry or convey or add to the plot in a proper musical, like in any of the given HSM movies (yes even the second one) or Teen Beach Movie (or even...the second one...) or Lemonade Mouth, they instead serve as a very hard stop and pause to that same action. That's...pretty much the exact opposite of what musical numbers are supposed to do. Or the exact opposite of what any narrative device is supposed to do. It doesn't feel like I'm suddenly watching two separate movies, but rather, that they decided to film two separate scripts written for the same movie and somehow try to edit them seamlessly into one.

Spoiler alert: they failed at it.

What certainly doesn't help is that the musical numbers...also just sucked. Hard. About as hard as I want Marlowe...ok, even to me this is just coming off as an open, very public display of sexual harassment so I'll stop gushing over how pretty I think he was in this right now. 

I mean I only think Marlowe's pretty in the context presented in this movie anyway, #SorryNotSorry. And ok I promise I'll stop now. Again on the off-chance you're reading this I really don't blame you if you want to fire off a Rotofury directly into my face. Hell even a Mastadon.

But anyway, the musical numbers were hot flaming piles of Bunk'd-level dumpster garbage. There was a musical number of how horrible your parents are. There was a musical number about fucking catering. There was a musical number about fucking Biology class, and yeah I know it was allegorical for love, except I think that's what was intended but they failed hard at it so yeah it's a musical number about trying to fucking pass high school Biology.

I understand this is supposed to be faithful to the musical but...this makes me want to stay away from the musical hardcore. If there's anything everything from Spider-Man to Spongebob has taught us, it's that Broadway should stop trying to turn every fucking thing into a fucking musical.

Oh and let's talk specifically about Go!, or I should say GoooooOOooooOOOooooOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!fuckmealready. Yeah, the "soundtrack" of Disney Channel's entire fucking summer. They just started running ads for the official Freaky Friday soundtrack and you know that's just going to fly off the shelves.

The rest of the movie was...ok. It was a yeoman DCOM effort minus the musical bits. Not as great as even lowkey DCOMs I really, really like, like say Geek Charming, How to Build a Better Boy or Bad Hair Day or, yes, I'm being completely serious here - Hatching Pete. Not even like Frenemies which is what I would consider a really great example of what I think is truly So Bad It's Good. It's better than Invisible Sister or the hugely overrated boring snorefest that people think was "great" from Disney Channel's eariest eras for some reason (I'm not kidding I literally used to use The Thirteenth Year off Watch Disney Channel as a sleep aid, yes I'm being extremely literal about this) but that's it.

Which in the grand scheme of things puts it right down the middle of the road. 

As for acting- Cozi did a good job. I really like Cozi. I really liked her in Dophin's Tale, I really liked her in Mighty Med, I really liked her in KC Undercover. Given how she has big screen experience in multiple starring roles, there's no doubt or compulsion to needlessly insult her acting ability. Her singing...she was lip-synced, everybody saw that a billion miles away. Everybody was lip-synced. Cozi was lip-synced in all her songs, What's Her Face Adult was lip-synced in all her songs (and she's reprising her role from the musical!), Dana was lip-synced in all her songs, Marlowe was lip-synced for all speaking roles period. 

That's all I have to talk about quality-wise aside from assigning grades and MVP awards but...yeah let's really dish and talk about how much of a hot mess this movie was.

I disagree with the assertion that this movie wasn't promoted a lot. It was promoted since last year during...Descendants 2 even, I think. I could be wrong but I feel as certain about it as I am not only in my desire for a really hot redhead girlfriend (again) but in my desire to be a really hot redhead myself. Yeah I know just because I came out as questioning...I should quit that too. But it got about as much promotion as say Geek Charming or How to Build a Better Boy or Bad Hair Day or, hell even Cloud 9. So yeah, no, no excuse for that here.

As much as I thought the movie was ok people hated it. It's one of the lowest-rated DCOMs on IMDB right now. The most popular #FreakyFriday hashtags were about how people thought this movie was hot flaming Bunk'd-level dumpster garbage or...porn tags. Yup, as in we're talking actual uncensored dick pics over Twitter through the #FreakyFriday hashtag. Great Job Disney! It's also the lowest rated DCOM since they started Nielsen-rating DCOMs - yes it beat out the infamous Johnny Tsunami: Back on Board. Your average episode of Andi Mack and Bunk'd got about the same ratings.

Literally every single episode premiere of A.N.T. Farm got higher ratings.

Literally every single episode premiere of I Didn't Do It got higher ratings.

LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE EPISODE PREMIERE OF The Adventures of Kid Danger GOT HIGHER RATINGS.

In terms of the raw business of television, this is one of the greatest hot messes Disney Channel has ever had on its hands. And to the movie's credit, not all of it is its fault as DCOM ratings have been on a steady downward slope since before I even started indulging in my feminine manchildish-ness in watching the network. Except it's certainly a much more dramatic slope in the past year or two. It arguably started all the way back with Lemonade Mouth when ratings were only great, not block-buster HSM-numbers, and arguably Disney just had too high expectations. But fast forward that same year through Geek Charming and except for the surge of Good Luck Charlie, It's Christmas! immediately after the DCOM numbers weren't clearly as high as they were back during the height of DCOM-mania (not just when HSM ruled the channel, but when the series-based DCOM was commonplace). GLC ended up being the very last (aside from BS pilots-in-disguise, yeah I'm looking at you Tangled) and I think it was very clear when Shake it Up: Made in Japan ended up being a multi-cam three-parter.

Fast forward to today and...Teen Beach 2 was one of the biggest bombs for the network at that time. Adventures in Babysitting eclipsed that status. It's been just going steadily downhill every since, and now it's a Sisyphean-boulder crashing down the mountainside. 

One of the things that really compelled me to watch Freaky Friday, for old time's sake, is that aside from Descendants 3 this could very well be the last DCOM. Ever.

This is no exaggeration. The business case just isn't there anymore, especially if you need something like Descendants, a mega-event carefully crafted and tailored to meet all the key demo's fetishes (yes really) just to rise above the level of a perfectly normal episode.

So, yeah. What a way to go out.

And at the end of the day, with all the combined considerations of ratings, audience reaction, and even the quality of the work itself, it's really worth asking, after all the work she's put into the network in supporting roles here and there, they decided that, finally, Cozi's very own starring DCOM vehicle...should be this?

They decided it was worth going so far as to make a guy wear a wig and boobs for this?

Episode Grade: A flat-C. It's...a perfectly normal serviceable DCOM dragged down by some extremely questionable musical numbers.

Episode MVP: Marlowe in a wig and boobs because sexy-sexy He's just gonna track me down all the way to the next local Nerf War and just make a point to totally own my ass isn't he? Cozi all the way. I really like her as an actress and this DCOM doesn't change anything about that.

Extra Thoughts:

 - fun fact: I actually got to interact with Cozi during a Periscope! She even answered my question! (it was about Debby of course and what it was like to work with her on Mighty Med).

 - If Marlowe (or anybody) wants to really bring on literal hurt onto me at the next Nerf War I'm at, I suggest a Caliburn.

 - This is a bit after the fact I know and...I'm kind of drunk, but...it just occurred to me that one of the reasons why I liked Cozi especially when she was on Disney Channel with the long hair is...she kind of reminds me of my ex-fiancee, even more than Debby (a lot more actually).

Yeah that's creepy I know I'll stop.