Victorious Reviewed: The Blonde Squad

I was looking through my old reviews when I decided to write this. Just go with it and let it happen. 

Victorious is a weird show to talk about. It was weird even by Dan Schneider standards. If I wanted to be mean, I could say that all of the problems that Dan Schneider's shows have in 2018 started with this show. I could say that iCarly was negatively influenced by it. I could say that Dan Schneider working on it and iCarly at the same time led to both shows declining past the point of no return. And I could also say that it only had one good season, which was the first one.

But here's the thing: I'm not just saying all of that. I firmly believe in all of those things.

When Victorious started, I was in the sixth grade. When it ended, I was a freshman in high school. One thing I want to make clear is that I was a very stupid and immature kid back then. Earlier this year, I spent a day cleansing my entire Twitter of terrible, terrible posts because I was disgusted at how overtly corny I used to be. That part of me is still there, but it's a lot more dormant. And it's not something I take pride in anymore. I say all that to let you know that even in my corniest possible state, I was cognizant enough to see the show's decline happen right before my eyes.

I remember enjoying the first season of Victorious and thinking that it was different from iCarly. The show still had Schneider's trademark humor, but the stories were different and at least in the beginning, the characters seemed like they had some depth to them. I always believed that you could make Victorious for adults and the show wouldn't be too different from what it was for kids. In fact, it would be better that way because these characters would actually be explored seriously, and not just be empty joke machines.

Beck lived in an RV away from his parents. Andre's grandmother was mentally insane. Cat was mentally insane with a mentally insane brother, and most likely grew up in a mentally insane family. Robbie walked around with a puppet that only existed to insult him and break him down psychologically, while being bolder and more confident than the person walking around with him. Jade had an uncaring father and a variety of psychological problems. You get the point. Victorious was a show that worked well because along with great jokes, the characters were grounded and relatable. You weren't just laughing at what they said or did. You identified with them as people. Episodes like "Wok Star" and "Rex Dies" were the perfect blend of comedy and drama, and if the producers played their cards right, the show could have potentially surpassed iCarly in quality.

But then something unexplainable happened. Eventually, it became more fun to the writers to just treat these characters like they were pathetic caricatures. I felt this way when these episodes aired and I feel the same way now. I didn't understand it because I was aware of what the show could have been, and instead, it just wasted away whatever potential it had. It became weird for the sake of weird. It devolved into a cartoon. I still have nightmares of scenes like Cat buying a drink and immediately throwing it away because she wasn't thirsty, or Jade driving Tori to a dirt road with the intention of killing her, or the gang being tortured on a game show for no apparent reason other than them being in pain equals great comedy. I wish I could talk about this at length, but I need to discuss the episode now and expand on my overall thoughts later on in a different post.

I said in my "iFind Spencer Friends" review that when iCarly failed, it was more like disappointment than anything else. A bad episode rarely angered me, it just annoyed me. But when Victorious failed, it was like the show was going out of its way to create a terrible episode. And "The Blonde Squad" is no exception. I didn't like this episode in 2012 when it first aired, and six years later, my opinion hasn't changed. In fact, because I have had time to reflect on everything, the episode is worse now than it was in 2012.

The plot here is about a boy named Evan falling for Cat at Nozu because of her blonde wig and blue contacts. She was in costume because of a movie Beck was directing. Cat never told Evan about her real hair color or eye color, finds out that the boy is obsessed with blonde hair and blue eyes, and decides to keep her costume on the next time she sees Evan. Tori convinces her to be herself, Evan tells her that he likes blonde girls, and the episode is over.

Wait. It's not. There's a reason I chose to review this.

See, throughout the entire episode, there's this other plotline of Robbie dealing with his feelings for Cat. He has even written a song about her. However, the episode seems to hate Robbie for having these feelings. When he tells Tori that he wrote a song about a girl, he gets dressed down by Trina for no apparent reason. When Robbie gives a heartfelt, impassioned speech to Cat in an attempt to boost her confidence, she tells Robbie that he doesn't know how guys think. I wish I was kidding, but she literally says this. Tori and Jade are completely confused by the speech, as if they forgot Robbie was a human being. And when Robbie finally performs his song for Cat at the end of the episode, she wonders if she should dye her hair blonde. This is the only reaction she has to the song.

See, I can't get invested in anything this episode does because the episode doesn't want me to. Evan is such a one-note character that this whole story of Cat needing to be true to herself doesn't matter. And it ends up not having any positive results because Evan doesn't change his mind about blondes once Cat shows him what she really looks like. I care more about Robbie's story because he's the only character with something to actually gain or lose here. A normal episode would have Cat realize that Robbie cares about her because of who she is and not what she looks like. But because this is "The Blonde Squad," we have to do the complete opposite of everything a normal sitcom does. I feel like this is supposed to be a subversion of what would usually happen, but just because it is a subversion, doesn't mean it works. It just makes me feel bad because Robbie is getting put through the wringer for absolutely nothing.

There was an episode in season one called "Robarazzi," where Robbie exploits his friends in an attempt to gain popularity for his blog. While the blog becomes a hit, Robbie turns into an asshole in his attempt to become successful, and he ends up getting his comeuppance for his behavior. This is an example of punishing a character who deserved it, a character who went through an actual story, and it was during a time when Robbie wasn't a spineless weirdo. I don't know what "The Blonde Squad" is trying to do at all. It sets up two plotlines and both of them are unsatisfactory. Nobody in this episode comes out of it having learned or achieved anything. The jokes are mostly nonexistent and/or fall flat. It's almost as if the writers didn't know what this episode was supposed to be. And a lot of Victorious episodes after a certain point ended up like this. "Tori Gets Stuck," "Prom Wrecker" to some extent, "Tori Tortures Teacher," "Driving Tori Crazy," "Wanko's Warehouse," "The Hambone King," "Robbie Sells Rex." Even the damn series finale, "Victori-Yes." To be fair, it wasn't supposed to be the last episode, but it does say a lot about where the series was going at the time.

At the end of the day, Victorious was a mildly entertaining show that started off well and fell off a cliff by the time it was over. As the show increased in popularity, it decreased in quality. Looking at it from a different perspective, Victorious could have done some amazing things. Characters like Cat and Jade had interesting backstories that could have been explored, not in a deeply dramatic way, but at least in a way that gave us some insight into who they really were. Episodes like "Stage Fighting" or "Wok Star" said more about Jade's character than anything she did in the next three seasons. Imagine if there was a character study about Cat or Robbie. The little things that make us understand them more and humanize them. Hell, imagine if Trina was ever taken seriously.

But instead, the show was more comfortable with random gags and making fun of the characters' eccentric behavior than examining the behavior. That wouldn't have been so bad if the jokes weren't so awkward and the pacing so slow. Episodes like "The Blonde Squad" became the norm, and every now and again, you might get something like "April Fools Blank" or "Opposite Date," but after the first season, consistency stopped being the strong suit of Victorious. Maybe season one was just a fluke.

Episode Grade: C-
Episode MVP: Matt Bennett, I guess. Like I said before, Robbie seemed to be the only character in this episode going through something, but the episode seemed to hate him for that specific reason. 

EXTRA THOUGHTS 
-I'll never forget what Ray said about the Victorious cast having an air of coolness about them. They were the kind of people who commanded attention when they were on screen, but were just saddled with so much mediocre material that it didn't always shine through. I still think this show had the potential to be better than iCarly, because of all the different characters to explore and what made them become who they were. You could even address the environment of Hollywood Arts and how it influenced the personalities of the students.

-It's a small thing, but I like how Robbie is apparently the "wig master" and he is the only one that can handle the girls' wigs. Also, Jade plays the dumb blonde in Beck's movie, which I have to assume is just him wanting to see his ex-girlfriend act like an idiot for his amusement.

-There was a joke at the beginning of the episode that I hated the first time I heard it, and I still hate it now. Cat says she's wondered about life as a blonde before, and has also wondered about what you do when a thirsty person gets injured, because they will either need lemonade or first aid. I don't know what to say about it. It's just a really stupid joke that hangs there, and only drives home the point that Cat is stupid. Or insane, whichever adjective you like.

-The whole reason Cat meets Evan is because Tori convinces Cat and Jade that they should keep their costumes on and go to Nozu to see what life is like as a blonde. I remember the episode promos mentioning this like it was going to be a big deal, but it only lasted one scene and the whole joke is that Tori is an idiot for thinking blondes had more privileges in life. Honestly, I think this premise had more legs than what they actually went with.

-Again, it's just weird how the episode treats Robbie. And because of that, it ends up affecting the characters too. Whenever Robbie's in a scene, the others just seem to have an extra amount of contempt for him, like he's diseased or something. After Cat barely has a reaction to Robbie's speech, all Tori does is question Robbie's statement that guys would be lucky as cheese to go out with Cat. It's almost like she's known about Robbie's feelings for a long time and doesn't care about them because she knows that Cat doesn't feel the same way. Or at least, that's what I think because Tori has no reaction to her friend pouring his heart out to another one of her friends. Later on, Robbie repeats the "lucky as cheese" statement and Tori just looks at him. I don't get it. Wouldn't Tori of all people want to help Robbie get closer to Cat? I'm assuming she would care about something like this, but from the looks of it, nobody seems to care about anything in this episode.

-They really hammer home the point that Evan likes blonde hair and blue eyes through the girls checking out his Slap page, and to make it even more on the nose, one of his dislikes is people who pretend to be something they're not. All the episode tells me about Evan is that he is a shallow person, and a relationship with him will never work. And then Cat decides to be herself anyway and it doesn't matter because Evan is a shallow person. Seriously, this guy has no character whatsoever.

-I really think this episode could have redeemed itself if Cat realized Robbie's feelings and at least acknowledged them in some way after his song is over. But then the episode just ends with no payoff and Cat completely disregarding the whole song. I'm left wondering why Robbie would even want to date Cat, because beyond her being incredibly stupid, it's clear that she doesn't care about him, and finds the possibility of being attracted to him weird. It's just jarring to go from this to "One Thousand Berry Balls" where all of a sudden, Cat has feelings for Robbie and gets jealous over seeing him with another girl. And then the series finale where one of the last interactions these two characters have is Cat thinking that cuddling with Robbie would be gross. Yeah, I'm done here. Next time, I'll try talking about an old show you probably weren't expecting me to ever talk about.

Stan Lee: 1922-2018

This is another guest post from frequent commentator/reader Shipping Wars Are Stupid (hence the formatting) regarding the passing of Stan Lee. He did a much better job than I can (not to mention it lets me cover the topic while...umm...being lazy) so please enjoy his words. Thank you!

At the age of 95, Stan Lee took his final breath and left this world Monday. It has been a moment we knew was coming. It is going difficult to face. And in the coming days, weeks, and months, there will be many better tributes than mine. I cannot remember when I first learned of Lee or his work. It had to be in my early childhood...The first thing I remember? I remember being in the third grade and my friend bringing drawings of Spider-man fighting the Green Goblin to class because he was so excited for the new movie. This was in 2002. In 2004, I saw my first Marvel movie when I saw Spider-man 2. My parents took me and this was one of the final movies I saw before I moved to Maine. It absolutely blew my socks off. To this day, it remains one of my absolute favorites with its excellent writing, sympathetic villain and quality special effects for its time. When I entered high school, Iron Man came out in the spring and some of my classmates started whispering that there was an end credits scene. A scene that would start the largest and most ambitious project in cinema history. It led to the creation of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which has provided me with dozens of hours of entertainment over the following decade. We are talking thousands of jobs and billions of dollars in the economy that can be directly attributed to the imagination of a man from Manhattan. We know their names. Logan. Peter Parker. Bruce Banner. Tony Stark. Steve Rogers. We know them better as Wolverine, Spider-man, The Hulk, Iron Man, and Captain America. When we talk about Stan Lee, we are not talking about just some "celebrity." Lee was not a celebrity. He was not a hero or a legend. He was an icon. For myself and millions of others all over the world, he served as a source of humor, of inspiration and creativity. There was never anyone quite like him. There never will be again. With great power comes great responsibility. When I have children, it will be a responsibility of mine to share with them what Stan gave to us. The lessons and morals he shares. It's the least we can do for a man who gave us so much. One person really can make a difference. And, right now, that person is you, Stan. Thank you for everything.

iCarly Reviewed: iFind Spencer Friends

Where we get Emma Stone, nasty chili fries, and Jamaican laser tag in one episode.

I don't know if I've discussed this at length, but season five of iCarly feels really.....different. It's not as clever or as well-paced as the first two or three seasons of the series. At some point, the characters stopped being interesting and consistently entertaining. Plots became more pointless, the jokes became broader and cheaper, and episodes started feeling more like chores. I could watch something like "iBust a Thief" and feel like nothing happened, because nothing actually happened. The whole plot is about the characters wasting hours of their time waiting for something to happen, and then it ends up being all for nothing because the ending is basically, "We know there was no point to any of this." I'm not saying that every episode was bad. The series finale was a great way to wrap everything up, and there were some other ones that shined like "iGet Banned" and "iLost My Head in Vegas." But for the most part, you just got something like "iPear Store" or what I'm reviewing tonight.

So "iFind Spencer Friends" is about Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Gibby trying to find Spencer some adults to hang out with in time for his birthday, but the problem is, Spencer hates hanging out with the adults they found for him. Then they just abandon the new friends and Spencer spends his birthday playing Jamaican laser tag (???) with the gang.

We all know that one of the major reasons television shows tend to decline is because of what they reduce the characters to. They become shallower and less human, because one of their traits becomes amplified to the point where it ends up being their main trait, or their only trait. I still have nightmares about what the Boy Meets World crew did to Eric. iCarly suffered from this too, but it's not as noticeable as it was on a show that lost its way almost as soon as it hit its stride (Victorious), or a show that was just a desperate attempt to recapture the magic of two previous shows that no longer had any life left in them (Sam & Cat). Spencer is probably the biggest casualty of this. Apparently, he has barely any adult friends and would rather spend time playing tennis with kids younger than Carly herself. And when he complains about how boring his new "friends" are, he literally sounds like a child upset that they have to share their toys with someone else. Does this sound like a normally functioning grown man to you?

Other than the story, there is nothing else here to write home about. The scene at the diner is just so bizarre because of how long it goes on. It almost feels like they didn't bother writing a script and just sent the characters out there to improvise all their lines and interactions. There are many times I've watched this episode and thought this was the ending, but that's reserved for the Jamaican laser tag (which I'll get to). It almost feels like we're getting a glimpse into the future of what Dan Schneider shows would be like all the time, in every scene, in every episode. The pace is just so slow, it didn't even  feel like I was watching TV. Just a bunch of people hanging out but not actually talking about anything important. That's what it felt like for an entire scene.

It also doesn't help that Spencer's new friends are very uninteresting. They're adults so they talk about things like campaign finance reform and seeing shows at the Chumlee Theater. Because that's what adults always talk about and they have no other personality traits besides talking about boring things. The sad part is that this story had potential. Carly and her friends could have found adult friends that really connect with Spencer, like fellow artists or other content creators. Then they end up being really clingy and constantly want to hang out with Spencer despite the fact that he doesn't care for them much. It could be Spencer having his own group of Spencers and not being able to handle it. Instead, Carly and her friends just find a bunch of random people to hang out with Spencer, don't bother to see what they have in common with him, and expect him to like hanging out with these random people because they're all adults.

It's a shame that a show that was once interesting, funny, and charming was just another way to waste time once it ended. I want to say iCarly fell off once Sam and Freddie started dating because the show definitely felt different after that. This is just another episode in a long line of episodes that aren't worth going back to more than once. When iCarly failed, it wasn't nearly as infuriating as Victorious, but it was more of a case of, "What are you doing? You're better than this." At least the series finale was worth putting up with all the mediocre stories beforehand.

Episode Grade: C-
Episode MVP: Emma Stone, mostly because she actually brought life to the episode for a brief moment and it made me think something was happening. 

EXTRA THOUGHTS
-Because Spencer already has adult friends, the episode has to explain why none of them can come to his birthday party for the story to work. I liked how Spencer started a fire at his book club while they were reading Fahrenheit 451. Honestly, I'm surprised the show went to all this trouble just to make sure their story made sense. If Henry Danger had this plotline, we would just have to lay back and accept it.

-Seriously, the way Carly and her friends (and by extension, the writers) treat Spencer like he's a small child that needs to learn how to play with others is sad. I mean, it would be one thing if they thought Spencer was lonely and needed to be around new people, but then they realize that he's fine hanging out with them and doesn't need other adult friends to enjoy himself. That's usually how this story works. Instead, Spencer acts like he has never been around an adult in his life, and has no idea how to read the room or talk to someone his own age. It's a little depressing that this is what the writers thought of him.

-I can't talk about this enough, but it's like an eternity goes by in that diner. It's like they had no ideas for that scene and they were pressed for time so they just had the cast do and say whatever while they film it. Plus, it's not like there are any good jokes either, other than Spencer mentioning the new Eddie Murphy movie where he buys a kangaroo and wears a fat suit.

-I went back to see if Spencer mentioned anything about his art and he never did. Carly and Sam mention it to Darnell, but nothing comes of it. I feel like that's something his new friends would have been interested in talking about, and it would give Spencer some common ground with them. You know, actual human conversation. But then again, they would probably see his sculptures and find them childish and way below the work of Picasso and Donatello.

-Emma Stone has a nothing role in this episode. She just really likes iCarly and takes pictures with the cast like a crazed lunatic. I feel like this was the show's way of letting us know how popular it is among older audiences and a lot of people want to be involved in it. They definitely have that right after all these episodes, but now I'm thinking of what it would be like if they built an entire story around Stone. Then again, it might have ended up being a rehash of "iAm Your Biggest Fan" or something.

-I actually recognize two of Spencer's friends. Darnell is played by John Ducey. You might recognize him from a show like Sabrina, the Teenage Witch but I recognized him from JONAS because he played the Jonas Brothers' father. And I recognized the other guy from a recent Boost Mobile commercial. At least I think that was him. By the way, Darnell is the only one of Spencer's friends that they bothered to give a name.

-So, in the diner's bathroom, where Gibby is working as an attendant (it is never explained if the managers of the diner know anything about this), Spencer 's new friends burst into the room and throw up in the stalls because they ate chili fries that one of the employees did something to. The fries were meant for Freddie because he made fun of the employee's voice, but they ended up going to the guys by mistake (they had also ordered fries). Gibby is so brain dead, he doesn't realize that three men are throwing up in the bathroom stall so he tries to make conversation with them, offers them meatballs when they're done, and starts singing. What the hell is going on in this episode?

-The Jamaican laser tag scene is just......I don't know what to say. When you break it down, the conclusion to this episode is five white people wearing Rasta hats and speaking in faux Jamaican patois while they shoot each other with lasers. There's really nothing else to the game other than playing laser tag with accents. It makes me wonder what would have happened if T-Bo was in this scene. Honestly, I think this scene would have been a hundred times better if he was in it, because they could make a joke about how uncomfortable he is and then stop playing. Or he could walk in, try making peace with Spencer, but when he sees the guys playing, he becomes disturbed and leaves without saying anything else. Missed opportunity, if you ask me.

Coop and Cami Premiere reviewed

This is just a placeholder, but it's...ok-ish I guess. It's up there with...well whatever else is on the network right now.

Also happy October guys and our three year anniversary was like a month ago.

Bunk'd Mini-Reviewed: Up, Up and Away (S3E16; Series Finale [ACTUALLY HOPEFULLY THIS TIME])

Fuck it, I'm sticking to the tradition of not allowing garbage to be quoted

What is it? Ugh I'm not in the mood for this right now.

...so...yeah...Bunk'd finally, hopefully comes to and end and...it's even worse than the S2 finale. There's a subplot about Emma, Zuri and Ravi leaving and most of it is this extremely stupid thing about some scientist capturing a baby Kikiwakka. 

It's...dumb, and stupid.

Episode Grade: D-.
Episode MVP: Peyton List because she's hot as hell so why the hell not. There's literally no other valid reason why any sort of "award" should be given out to this episode.
Season Grade: C-. It's been...marginally better than the other two. It's been...really what I've been hoping Season 2 would be in the first place. Hell it's what I was hoping Season 1 would've been in the first place. Yes that's right a middling C-, that's all I was asking for after the disaster that was Jessie S4, and they couldn't even live up to that.
Season MVP: Peyton List because see above.
Series Grade: D+. It was...a real stinker, even after being given a significant stay of execution by way of a Season 3. That said, Season 3 received a bizarre serious bump in ratings (sometimes - yes, even being higher than Andi Mack) and admittedly (well, as I said above) a corresponding bump in quality, even if only a very minor one. But still, I just couldn't be bothered to watch...maybe 80% of this show, no matter how smoking hot Peyton List is.
Series MVP: Peyton List because...yeah.

Extra Thoughts:

 - I still would rather watch this than Andi Mack Season 2...well, not really.

I'd rather just switch the channel to Nick Jr.

So I've been told about an opportunity to experiment on this blog and here's your opportunity to send feedback!

I'm actually literally right in the middle of a class right now about the benefits and monetization of Medium.com and I've been told I can import content from this blog onto there! This would be a potentially great way to not only gain readership but monetize it!

This will be my way to finally buy a freakin' Stryfe...maybe even a Prometheus.

But yeah I wanna see what you guys think. I'll have to go back and actually...*shudder* proofread them but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for a buck or two.

So after years of talking about it, I finally just did it (Part Deux)

I just made an account over at TVTropes and I just cleaned the utter fuck out of the stupid idiotic Disney Channel Live-Action Universe page my-fucking-self. 

More news at 11.