What is it? yeah just go back to Part I and read all that, nothing's changed.
So Laura goes visits her dad or something and there's some cliche dialogue exchange here and there involving Laura trying to find Lily and Laura extorts the info from her dad with blackmail revolving around porn.
It leads to a phone call with one of Lily's supposed associates where Laura poses as a...uhhh...what's the word I should use with the consideration of what this blog is? A paramour? An escort? ...a random fuck buddy? Who might also be a pedophile? Anyway Laura gets there and pedo-guy-maybe is surprised that, yeah, Debby Messing is like hella old. And then Lily shows up and Laura chases her up an escalator where Lily doesn't realize that going backwards doesn't help and Debby (Ryan) just quite frankly embarrasses herself. And then Laura says some faux-witty one-liner that isn't worth repeating and Debby (Ryan) just has a look on her face that says it all - you know, over a year ago I was pretty much the Queen of Disney Channel. What happened?
...and I'm not going to lie, that's where I stopped watching, because it was pretty clear it was going to be pretty bad and I didn't want to write another ultra-long review going over every cliche and still have another episode to follow up with that. So I fast-forwarded all the way to the end where it turns out Lily's boyfriend was tied up with some drug kingpins and it leads to a really big bust in an airport hangar and I'm sorry even just reliving it is pretty ridiculous. This is what happens when someone realizes that they kind of have this semi-quirky "character" procedural drama that fails at even the "semi" part and then decide to have a Miami Vice-style big bust at the end. Oh and
The Mysteries of Laura really is a very, very bad Rizzoli and Isles rip-off and even that show isn't exactly the greatest or most gripping procedural in the history of television - or even during just this television season, for that matter. Even just on broadcast, there's Chicago PD, SVU, and if you want drama without the procedural The Blacklist is way better. And every single one of those shows is also on NBC! Or hook up USA Network OnDemand and watch the best drama this side of AMC, Suits. Or for that matter Mad Men. Or freaking Shondaland playing right opposite of Mysteries of Laura. If you just demand having "quirky character"-focused procedurals for whatever dumb reason then there's a whole slew of shows that are so much more superior in every criteria imaginable, whether it's the "quirky character" part, having an actually compelling mystery or from a pure dumb entertainment standpoint - the aforementioned Castle on ABC, CBS's Elementary and Limitless, the aforementioned Rizzoli and Isles, or just throw up a few episodes of Monk from the Netflix archives. I mean...in this day and age with every other TV expert talking about "Peak TV" there's no reason to subject yourself to mediocrity. That goes for you the viewer/the five of you who are reading this, and that goes for you, Debbys.
Well we're done with the 16 minutes of The Mystery of the Unknown Caller that I'm willing to tolerate, let's move on to The Mystery of the End of Watch.
If you're familiar with the last summer season sleeper hit of, what was it, two or three years ago or whatever?, or with procedurals in general, you'll know the term "End of Watch" refers to when a law enforcement officer is killed in the line of duty. So yeah, spoiler alert, though I don't know what good it will do you since the spoiler is in the episode title itself. At the very end of the last episode while they were doing their big celebration press conference on the drug bust, Laura's boss ended up taking a bullet from an unseen assassin, sad face.
This has nothing to do with the episode, except that since I brought up the word "assassin" I just wanted to be reminded of something I'd rather be doing instead right now.
It turns out she has a kid who looks like he could be a young Josh Peck if all you're familiar with Josh Peck is Grandfathered (that's another show we'll have to look at). And then we have more cop cliches like the grieving cop who grieves silently and "just needs to process it in his own way." I have an odd feeling this episode's going to spend a decent amount of time spinning its wheels and devoting itself to filler much like the last one.
Meanwhile Josh Lucas-I-guess invites his current girlfriend over who's freaking out over the captain's death and they find their mutual grieving to be...arousing?
In the meantime of the meantime, more cop tropes you've seen in literally every other cop show ever. In the process they found out Laura was the real target, because her name is in the show's title. Laura instantly thinks it's the crime boss she just took down, and they flashback to him being dragged off in cuffs shouting you'll be dead! Dead! in a way exactly as you'd expect in a Simpsons episode.
Of course he can always plead the "it's really German!" defense.
Laura wants to haul Mr. Bad Boss out of his cell for interrogation, only to find that he switched identities with another con scheduled for release that day, because the writers need to figure out a way to make sure this guy remains a threat and it's not like people in jail are threatening at all.
Oh, and we finally cue the intro credits.
It turns out the guy switched with him because he's straight up scared for his life, which I guess nowadays qualifies as a twist because usually it's oh I gotta pay off my student debts this and I wanna make it to my daughter's birthday that. It's actually refreshing to see someone for a change just say dude I'm afraid this mofo's gonna cut me up.
Oh, and yes they actually did use the word "mofo" in this, because on NBC Quentin Tarantino circa 1995 is still fresh.
Anyway he has legit reason to be afraid, because this same crime boss mofo actually did cut up his own now ex-living ex-fiancee, and their kid is now a central lead in finding him before he continues going after Laura. Laura's especially afraid that he might go after Lily next, so of course I'm hoping she'll fail and Debby (Ryan) gets to move on to singing full-time. Or maybe Josh Lucas so they can find another cardboard cutout from the studio lot to replace him.
As soon as they find out the location of the baby this leads to a scene where all of the important characters who more or less show up in every episode in full battle gear pointing their guns at a nurse holding a baby asking where Crime Boss Mofo is. This scene is played straight without a hint of irony or quirkiness. Fortunately Mr. Crime Boss is less a badass motherfucker and more a dumbass stupid-fuck who is over in the next room and easily taken down trying to climb a fence because he should've spent more time in jail actually hitting the exercise yard than concocting half-assed escape plans that somehow still work.
Now we get to our standard interrogation scene, and if I went ahead and fast-forwarded some hot Debby on Debby action in the last episode you betcha I'm gonna fast forward through this.
This oft-promoted still image is the best I can tolerate.
Blah blah blah don't care don't care and my fast forward button lands on the captain's wake. And wait...Laura's last name is Diamond?
At the wake they discover the captain's son had been kidnapped. And then we get to something finally worth watching - a commercial for Universal Orlando Park (in Orlando, Florida!)
They start looking into the captain's ex who of course like everybody else who isn't a main character is a cliched scumbag and stalker, and because I guess the whole drug syndicate thing they insisted carry over into this episode stopped being a thing now.
They start thinking that captain's ex was the real killer all along and the timing of the drug bust was just coincidental, proving that the tie-in from the previous episode is a giant bait-and-switch.
It is LITERALLY JESSIE!!!
Oh oh oh oh ooo~ooh, Hey Lucy! Hey Lucy!
It feels like your sister investigating crimes ever~y day! Hey Lucy! Hey Lucy!
Also I just noticed I kept calling her "Lily" throughout this review. I'm too lazy to correct it.
Anyway, Lucy says something that inspires Laura on how to find the missing kid, in the meantime Josh Lucas does relationship stuff I don't care about, namely proposing to his girlfriend who isn't Laura. I got that much while fast-forwarding. Pretty sure I'm accurate.
Meanwhile Laura decides that there may be clues in the captain's old files, and take a guess that she used the same password the department originally gave to her - yup, the "impossible to remember" (actual show quote) randomly generated ones that you get at school or work or whatever. I guess this is a lighthearted quirky joke. It turns out there's a kid-finder app that the captain was using and with any luck this episode should be wrapped up and I can go back to watching What's My Car Worth? on Velocity.
...oh wait it's only the halfway mark of the episode? Damn.
Anyway they find the scumbag dad and take him down and find the son which kind of brings to question yeah what's going to happen for the rest of the episode. Oh wait, WHAT A TWEEEST the kid wasn't kidnapped, he came voluntarily. Ok.
Yeah the dad was trying to protect his son because he was spooked out. The cops are a bit perplexed why he would be spooked out, I mean nothing big happened other than his ex-wife getting assassinated on local television. Anyway they put him through a polygraph and of course Laura knows he's telling the truth despite the polygraph saying otherwise because this show has to throw out a TWEEST!!! literally. Every. Damn. Minute.
Yeah when you start doing that the TWEEST!!! starts to lose its effect.
It turns out the ex is involved in yet another massive-scale criminal smuggling ring. Does everything have to involve Laura taking down huge crime syndicates? Well in this case it makes sense since it turns out to be the same one from the previous episode (uh I think) and they killed the captain not only to knock off a big wig involved in taking them down but they can also use her ex to pay them the life insurance money.
This naturally leads up to a sing operation and big action scene where the vestiges of the syndicate are taken down.