Thursday, February 2, 2017

Lifetime Original Movie Review: Zoe Gone


What is it? Single-camera made-for-Lifetime original movie (basically a DCOM for grown-ups, except not nearly as good)
Where did it air? Hmmm...I wonder if there might be, I don't know, a network dedicated to showing movies made by Lifetime. Maybe it'd be called the Movie Network for Lifetime or something?
Who stars in it? Sammi Hanratty who is...well, at this point kind of a glorified Literally Who? that a lot of people fondly remember from her various guest or recurring roles, mainly because she looks like this:


And beyond that pretty much a bunch of Literally Whos?
Why are we reviewing this? Other than Sammi's KidCom connection (she had a recurring role in the final season of Suite Life of Zack and Cody and she's the American Girls Clarissa - no, really), beats the hell out of me.

Oh Good, Dear, Sweet Merciful Lord why did I even record this one?

Movie Grade: F. Honestly it's so bad it justifies the worst score we give on this blog - an F Minus Minus - but frankly I don't want to give this turd that much attention, at least not officially.
(Awww hell with it, it really was that bad. I am going to give it an official grade of F Minus Minus)
Movie MVP: I could go down the "Unknown acts like a misogynist pig" road and just pick Sammi by default for being the prettiest but...actually maintaining some integrity for this one this time...I very, very honestly...honestly to Good Sweet Lord up there...I don't even know how to answer this one.

Which means - for the first time in the admittedly short history of this blog - we are not awarding an Episode/Movie MVP at all here. Officially, it's a blank space, and no TayTay isn't going to be writing your name here either (despite this blog's propensity to do just exactly that, minus the ridiculously attractive mega-rich perfect blonde superstar with her extremely mixed messages on friendship and inclusion, unfortunately).
Movie LVP: So we'll just do this one instead! The award for biggest loser out of this whole shitfest is a tie going to main star Sammi Hanratty and to Andrea Bowen, who plays the main "villianess" who of course is a redhead. And no, I'm not co-awarding it to Andrea just because she portrays an evil redhead here - but I am awarding it to both because by this point they really, really should know better. I've seen movies with Andrea in it that are actually pretty decent - really, really good in fact at least in large parts, so, yeah, she should know better. And after having a number of decent roles with such a wide range from guest spots on Mad Men to being the freakin' American Girl Clarissa, it seems like most of Sammi's career lately is languishing on LMN, including the movie Seeds of Yesterday which is literally "Sammi Hanratty's first incest-themed pornographic movie, except rated to the absolute limit they'd allow on basic cable so you don't even get the full benefit of it." And when I say literally, I mean it - it's literally a pornographic movie, just where they (for the most part) keep their clothes on and with all the sex basic cable television can get away with. 

Given how much Sammi likes to profess her Christianity on social media (including live Snapchats from church events) it does beg the question just how much of her own dignity is she willing to sell here?

Extra Thoughts

 - I've actually seen some Lifetime/LMN comedy movies and...largely it's hit-or-miss. The infamous Lifetime dramas though are...just...freakin' garbage all across the board. When their friggin' tagline is leave the crazy to us you know you're in for a joyride. The kind of joyride where someone kidnaps you and duck tapes you to the seat, almost as if you're in one of the damn movies.

 - I know the reviews lately have been all across the board and rather concentrated (this is the second review today) so, uh, how about some Drake & Josh next time?

You watched a Lifetime movie and actually survived to review it? I think you would have had a more satisfying experience chewing shards of glass.

I had to look up Sammi Hanratty because I didn't recognize her at all and I didn't remember her being on any SLOZAC episodes. Then I saw her when she was a kid, and then her credits.......it all makes sense now. She grew up pretty nicely. She's like a less memorable Bailee Madison.

I think it's time we spread some positivity and review Drake & Josh for the culture. Interesting fact, Sammi and Bailee have both been on the show. 

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