Bunk'd Mini-Reviewed: Up, Up and Away (S3E16; Series Finale [ACTUALLY HOPEFULLY THIS TIME])

Fuck it, I'm sticking to the tradition of not allowing garbage to be quoted

What is it? Ugh I'm not in the mood for this right now.

...so...yeah...Bunk'd finally, hopefully comes to and end and...it's even worse than the S2 finale. There's a subplot about Emma, Zuri and Ravi leaving and most of it is this extremely stupid thing about some scientist capturing a baby Kikiwakka. 

It's...dumb, and stupid.

Episode Grade: D-.
Episode MVP: Peyton List because she's hot as hell so why the hell not. There's literally no other valid reason why any sort of "award" should be given out to this episode.
Season Grade: C-. It's been...marginally better than the other two. It's been...really what I've been hoping Season 2 would be in the first place. Hell it's what I was hoping Season 1 would've been in the first place. Yes that's right a middling C-, that's all I was asking for after the disaster that was Jessie S4, and they couldn't even live up to that.
Season MVP: Peyton List because see above.
Series Grade: D+. It was...a real stinker, even after being given a significant stay of execution by way of a Season 3. That said, Season 3 received a bizarre serious bump in ratings (sometimes - yes, even being higher than Andi Mack) and admittedly (well, as I said above) a corresponding bump in quality, even if only a very minor one. But still, I just couldn't be bothered to watch...maybe 80% of this show, no matter how smoking hot Peyton List is.
Series MVP: Peyton List because...yeah.

Extra Thoughts:

 - I still would rather watch this than Andi Mack Season 2...well, not really.

I'd rather just switch the channel to Nick Jr.

So I've been told about an opportunity to experiment on this blog and here's your opportunity to send feedback!

I'm actually literally right in the middle of a class right now about the benefits and monetization of Medium.com and I've been told I can import content from this blog onto there! This would be a potentially great way to not only gain readership but monetize it!

This will be my way to finally buy a freakin' Stryfe...maybe even a Prometheus.

But yeah I wanna see what you guys think. I'll have to go back and actually...*shudder* proofread them but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for a buck or two.

So after years of talking about it, I finally just did it (Part Deux)

I just made an account over at TVTropes and I just cleaned the utter fuck out of the stupid idiotic Disney Channel Live-Action Universe page my-fucking-self. 

More news at 11.

A Brief Overview of A Monkey of Books

Andi Mack is now the greatest crash-and-burn in network history. Too bad I'm the only one on this entire planet who really recognizes it.

What is it? It's my new WordPress site!
What network did it air on? Uhh, WordPress I guess.
Who stars in it? Uhhh, me I guess, yay! Also Mike if I can figure out how although...maybe not since the focus will be different.
Why are we reviewing this? Uhhh we're not reviewing it per se but it's my site so there.

Yeah I don't know why I did the standard review opening for this.

But anyway, I have a new WordPress site, "A Monkey of Books." If you go there you will find...the bare unmodified WordPress template for anything that hasn't been changed yet because that's exactly at the point I am at.

But to run down a few questions:

What is "A Monkey of Books"? (Other than the obvious, yeah yeah we get it it's your WordPress site, but what?) 

It's the site I'm going to use as kind of my primary author's platform for the time being (along with a WordPress that I registered under my real name) as I launch my writing career.

I've been told by other authors I need to do it so...I did it.

As such it's going to focus on books and writing - not necessarily book reviews (although probably, although I already have a BlogSpot where I do that too that probably exactly none of you bother to visit anyway) but on the writing process and talking about genres (probably mostly young adult because that's what I mostly read, so sue me) and about the reading process too (since I'm a legit speed reader so there).

Now that I think about it it'll probably mostly supercede my "Writings (And Musings) Of Ray" Blogspot entirely, which I started well, well before this blog (and before Christian and Sean) but yeah. Maybe I'll think of something for that space too, I don't necessarily see a big reason to deactivate it as such.

And as for this site, hold on for two questions.

So why "A Monkey of Books?"

Monkey is British slang for 500 (namely half a bag in quid and such, yo). As it stands right now I'm on pace to read 500 books this calendar year (well, "titles" since a lot of that includes graphic novels, but I'm hoping my average book/"title" length will end up being over 300 pages long. And I'm probably going to fail that goal if I don't stop blogging here and get to work reading anyway). 

In the writing group I belong to, where I launched this WordPress (because they told me to) we have a lot of in-jokes about monkies and when we launch a sample WordPress on how to launch a WordPress the "training" site ends up having "Monkey" worked in the title, so OK.

What about this blog? What's it's future? Are you going to deactivate it?

No. This will be as it always was - Creepy asides, random pro-SJW rants and somewhere in there reviews of Nickelodeon and Disney Channel shows, just like it says in the subheader. As for a layout that doesn't suck, maybe one day I'll do that (BlogSpot does give you options) but now that I have a WordPress I feel less incentive to do that. 

But yeah, I'll still be talking Nickelodeon and Disney Channel (and general TV topics) here. There's a certain freeform (or is that Freeform?) I feel I have a freedom here, especially since my WordPress is for my professional writing career so it carries...certain expectations that I feel I'm free from here. I do enjoy the very informal nature of which I do things here, spelling mistakes and all, to just rant about Nickelodeon and Disney Channel shows.

So, um, there.

So after years of talking about it, I finally just did it

I launched a WordPress site.

It's...still in early construction. I'm still trying to figure out how to set it up and let Mike post in it.

Will we abandon this site? No. The WordPress is going to be a different focus as I'm launching a new writing career, so Nickelodeon and Disney Channel (and other broad entertainment) reviews will remain here. The BlogSpot format...isn't too horrible for this kind of thing.

We also have a Tumblr. We've had a Tumblr for, I think, close to a year now? Over a year?

...I probably should've mentioned that sooner.

Current Disney Channel and Nickelodeon live-action only shows between now and the premiere of Coop and Cami, Ranked

Disney Channel:

Standing Alone At The Top Tier: Bizaardvark
Shockingly improved but still very bad tier: Bunk'd
Unwatchable Garbage Tier: Literally everything else (yes this includes Andi Mack now, deal with it)

Nickelodeon:

Standing Alone At The Top Tier: I Am Frankie
Excited To See It's Returning Tier: Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel
Unwatchable Garbage Tier: Henry Danger

...I literally don't know of any other live-action Nickelodeon shows right now. This might be a new low record in a long time, if not since the early 90s.

Star Falls and Knight Squad are part of the new class of live-action Nick shows. I don't know how long either show will last (especially Star Falls, which should have been a TV movie instead of a series), but from what I've seen, both are pretty decent.

I watched the season two premiere of I Am Frankie (well, most of it) and an episode from season one, and it looks like the show is alright. I was getting vibes of The Secret World of Alex Mack. Anyone ever watched that show? They almost never show it on TV, but this episode was like the one where Alex splits into two different personalities: One good and one evil. They really should air reruns on The Splat. If I watch more I Am Frankie episodes, I'll go further with the comparisons.

You know what? The Loud House deserves to be in the top tier. Animated or not, it's the only show right now that really gives me that feeling of quality. I don't see it as an alright show, it's a genuinely good show with a 90s style that doesn't feel like pandering.

Disney Channel and Nickelodeon have both died. Once Bunk'd, Raven's Home, Andi Mack, and I Am Frankie end, they will never recover.

Freaky Friday DCOM Reviewed

Don't call her a tool! Nobody's calling anybody any names here! Alternatively, an entire song about trying to pass Biology with maybe some subtext about love or something that doesn't really work, yay!

What is it? A Disney Channel Original Movie, yo! Although we had Z-O-M-B-I-E-S (yes I'm going to insist on that because that's how Disney should've marketed it) back in February, it certainly feels even longer since we've had one of these (which probably speaks more about Z-O-M-B-I-E-S more than anything but...that's another review).
Where did it air? Oh, I'm sure you can watch Disney Channel Original Movies on Nickelodeon or even HBO....
Who stars in it? Cozi Zuehlsdorff who, yeah, you had to Google that to spell it right too, anyway this is her first starring DCOM role, some older actress person who I'm too lazy to look up, a bunch of other people yeah yeah, Dana Renee in what's apparently her very first TV acting role period so props on that, and Marlowe Percival, a guy who Disney Channel somehow decided would be great to make wear a wig and play a girl and yet still ended up one of the hottest DCOM chicks ever who I wrote more about, uh, here. 
Why are we reviewing this? Well, it's a DCOM but...actually more on that but yeah, we review DCOMs here so there.

So, umm, there's a lot to unpack here.

Much of which I already did in the article I, uh, linked up there. But now's the time to talk 2018 Freaky Friday strictly from an entertainment/literary/wider television landscape analysis.

Annnnnnnnd...even completely tabling my questioning-trans status completely and pretending it doesn't exist at all and not something I've thought a lot about since literally I've been capable of thought so no this isn't just some suddenly new thing for me but...there's a lot of, um, questioning about this one.

For starters I thought it was actually...ok? Yeah let's talk about that first.

By far the best thing about the movie, if I'm not going to just go on and on about how pretty Marlowe is in a wig and fake boobs to the point where he probably would want to empty a Rotofury's entire dart load straight into my face, is the opening sequence. It's very beautifully, whimsically and creatively done but...all the same, when I'm praising the opening credits as the most creative and best part of the movie, that's sad, yo. 

The decision to make it a musical...ok it's bizarre. I've never seen any of the previous versions of Freaky Friday so I don't know if they're even musicals or not. But the musical numbers in this one felt very much like an after-thought. They don't serve to carry or convey or add to the plot in a proper musical, like in any of the given HSM movies (yes even the second one) or Teen Beach Movie (or even...the second one...) or Lemonade Mouth, they instead serve as a very hard stop and pause to that same action. That's...pretty much the exact opposite of what musical numbers are supposed to do. Or the exact opposite of what any narrative device is supposed to do. It doesn't feel like I'm suddenly watching two separate movies, but rather, that they decided to film two separate scripts written for the same movie and somehow try to edit them seamlessly into one.

Spoiler alert: they failed at it.

What certainly doesn't help is that the musical numbers...also just sucked. Hard. About as hard as I want Marlowe...ok, even to me this is just coming off as an open, very public display of sexual harassment so I'll stop gushing over how pretty I think he was in this right now. 

I mean I only think Marlowe's pretty in the context presented in this movie anyway, #SorryNotSorry. And ok I promise I'll stop now. Again on the off-chance you're reading this I really don't blame you if you want to fire off a Rotofury directly into my face. Hell even a Mastadon.

But anyway, the musical numbers were hot flaming piles of Bunk'd-level dumpster garbage. There was a musical number of how horrible your parents are. There was a musical number about fucking catering. There was a musical number about fucking Biology class, and yeah I know it was allegorical for love, except I think that's what was intended but they failed hard at it so yeah it's a musical number about trying to fucking pass high school Biology.

I understand this is supposed to be faithful to the musical but...this makes me want to stay away from the musical hardcore. If there's anything everything from Spider-Man to Spongebob has taught us, it's that Broadway should stop trying to turn every fucking thing into a fucking musical.

Oh and let's talk specifically about Go!, or I should say GoooooOOooooOOOooooOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!fuckmealready. Yeah, the "soundtrack" of Disney Channel's entire fucking summer. They just started running ads for the official Freaky Friday soundtrack and you know that's just going to fly off the shelves.

The rest of the movie was...ok. It was a yeoman DCOM effort minus the musical bits. Not as great as even lowkey DCOMs I really, really like, like say Geek Charming, How to Build a Better Boy or Bad Hair Day or, yes, I'm being completely serious here - Hatching Pete. Not even like Frenemies which is what I would consider a really great example of what I think is truly So Bad It's Good. It's better than Invisible Sister or the hugely overrated boring snorefest that people think was "great" from Disney Channel's eariest eras for some reason (I'm not kidding I literally used to use The Thirteenth Year off Watch Disney Channel as a sleep aid, yes I'm being extremely literal about this) but that's it.

Which in the grand scheme of things puts it right down the middle of the road. 

As for acting- Cozi did a good job. I really like Cozi. I really liked her in Dophin's Tale, I really liked her in Mighty Med, I really liked her in KC Undercover. Given how she has big screen experience in multiple starring roles, there's no doubt or compulsion to needlessly insult her acting ability. Her singing...she was lip-synced, everybody saw that a billion miles away. Everybody was lip-synced. Cozi was lip-synced in all her songs, What's Her Face Adult was lip-synced in all her songs (and she's reprising her role from the musical!), Dana was lip-synced in all her songs, Marlowe was lip-synced for all speaking roles period. 

That's all I have to talk about quality-wise aside from assigning grades and MVP awards but...yeah let's really dish and talk about how much of a hot mess this movie was.

I disagree with the assertion that this movie wasn't promoted a lot. It was promoted since last year during...Descendants 2 even, I think. I could be wrong but I feel as certain about it as I am not only in my desire for a really hot redhead girlfriend (again) but in my desire to be a really hot redhead myself. Yeah I know just because I came out as questioning...I should quit that too. But it got about as much promotion as say Geek Charming or How to Build a Better Boy or Bad Hair Day or, hell even Cloud 9. So yeah, no, no excuse for that here.

As much as I thought the movie was ok people hated it. It's one of the lowest-rated DCOMs on IMDB right now. The most popular #FreakyFriday hashtags were about how people thought this movie was hot flaming Bunk'd-level dumpster garbage or...porn tags. Yup, as in we're talking actual uncensored dick pics over Twitter through the #FreakyFriday hashtag. Great Job Disney! It's also the lowest rated DCOM since they started Nielsen-rating DCOMs - yes it beat out the infamous Johnny Tsunami: Back on Board. Your average episode of Andi Mack and Bunk'd got about the same ratings.

Literally every single episode premiere of A.N.T. Farm got higher ratings.

Literally every single episode premiere of I Didn't Do It got higher ratings.

LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE EPISODE PREMIERE OF The Adventures of Kid Danger GOT HIGHER RATINGS.

In terms of the raw business of television, this is one of the greatest hot messes Disney Channel has ever had on its hands. And to the movie's credit, not all of it is its fault as DCOM ratings have been on a steady downward slope since before I even started indulging in my feminine manchildish-ness in watching the network. Except it's certainly a much more dramatic slope in the past year or two. It arguably started all the way back with Lemonade Mouth when ratings were only great, not block-buster HSM-numbers, and arguably Disney just had too high expectations. But fast forward that same year through Geek Charming and except for the surge of Good Luck Charlie, It's Christmas! immediately after the DCOM numbers weren't clearly as high as they were back during the height of DCOM-mania (not just when HSM ruled the channel, but when the series-based DCOM was commonplace). GLC ended up being the very last (aside from BS pilots-in-disguise, yeah I'm looking at you Tangled) and I think it was very clear when Shake it Up: Made in Japan ended up being a multi-cam three-parter.

Fast forward to today and...Teen Beach 2 was one of the biggest bombs for the network at that time. Adventures in Babysitting eclipsed that status. It's been just going steadily downhill every since, and now it's a Sisyphean-boulder crashing down the mountainside. 

One of the things that really compelled me to watch Freaky Friday, for old time's sake, is that aside from Descendants 3 this could very well be the last DCOM. Ever.

This is no exaggeration. The business case just isn't there anymore, especially if you need something like Descendants, a mega-event carefully crafted and tailored to meet all the key demo's fetishes (yes really) just to rise above the level of a perfectly normal episode.

So, yeah. What a way to go out.

And at the end of the day, with all the combined considerations of ratings, audience reaction, and even the quality of the work itself, it's really worth asking, after all the work she's put into the network in supporting roles here and there, they decided that, finally, Cozi's very own starring DCOM vehicle...should be this?

They decided it was worth going so far as to make a guy wear a wig and boobs for this?

Episode Grade: A flat-C. It's...a perfectly normal serviceable DCOM dragged down by some extremely questionable musical numbers.

Episode MVP: Marlowe in a wig and boobs because sexy-sexy He's just gonna track me down all the way to the next local Nerf War and just make a point to totally own my ass isn't he? Cozi all the way. I really like her as an actress and this DCOM doesn't change anything about that.

Extra Thoughts:

 - fun fact: I actually got to interact with Cozi during a Periscope! She even answered my question! (it was about Debby of course and what it was like to work with her on Mighty Med).

 - If Marlowe (or anybody) wants to really bring on literal hurt onto me at the next Nerf War I'm at, I suggest a Caliburn.

 - This is a bit after the fact I know and...I'm kind of drunk, but...it just occurred to me that one of the reasons why I liked Cozi especially when she was on Disney Channel with the long hair is...she kind of reminds me of my ex-fiancee, even more than Debby (a lot more actually).

Yeah that's creepy I know I'll stop.